Man and wife's master bedroom is 'stolen' by stepson. Stepdad issues ultimatum. AITA?
When this man is annoyed with his stepson, he asks the internet:
'AITA for Demanding our bedroom?'
AITA? My wife’s 20 year old son still lives with us & asked her to swap his small bedroom for our master bedroom which is twice the size of his now former bedroom (he pays nothing towards rent or utilities).
The gain for him is that his computer setup up instead of being in the third unused bedroom is in his bedroom with his dorm size refrigerator. The gain for us nothing.I didn’t want to sound like an ogert so I said I would consider it if we made scaled drawings to see if it could work. Weeks later I realized I was way too uncomfortable with the idea & told my wife I changed my mind to no Bedroom swap.
Weeks later she had a Monday legal holiday off, & so did her son. The day before the holiday we go to breakfast & also drive 1.5 hours away (just the two of us) to visit one of my vendors to transact a deal. I take her to dinner at a quite local restaurant that is at least another hour of alone time. What will you do with your day off tomorrow I ask. “Oh we will find something to do.”
Late at work I get a text, be sure to call me before you get home. After work I call to hear: “I wanted you to know she says sheepishly “I moved your books to the third bedroom”. What about your son’s computer won’t he find that cumbersome? Oh i moved his computer too, but into our bedroom. What? Where is our bed, oh in my son’s old bedroom, I swapped out bedrooms while you were at work.
I went ballistic & days later she admitted she knew for days what she would be doing on Monday. She eventually apologized, & said she knew it was wrong to do that behind my back. But it was only for two years until he launched himself. I almost left her over this. 10 months later the swap has been an unmitigated disaster for me.
I gave her plenty of warning & took a weekend for myself & wrote out my feelings, & diagramed out the dynamics. I realized that every parent has to put their child’s safety over their partners wishes. But after that healthy marriages put their partners, & also the marriage above the wishes of their children.
I came home from the weekend & told her that. I reminded her that I have helped her son financially, took him to games, gave him my used car (his first) when I upgraded. I also told her his current bedroom situation was completely appropriate when he had his own place.
I said it was completely inappropriate at the expense of her husband’s comfort & that she had to make a choice. Either explain to him (as I am certain he knows) my /our bedroom was stolen behind my back & the current one for us is not working for me as I have to be a contortionist to use even part of the too narrow closet & there is not enough room for my things.
Or it’s time I accept where I am in the pecking order, & I don’t do second place & end this marriage. AITA??
Let's find out.
imthro writes:
10 months later?! Why didn't you swap back immediately? Your wife actively deceived you, kicked you out of your own bedroom, and you just let it happen?You should have left 10 months ago. I can't believe you're just living there in the small bedroom in your own home. NTA.
bcupa6 writes:
NTA - your wife is making it too comfortable for her son. He won’t ever want to leave, because he has it very comfortable where he is. Raising kids is hard, but I have found that dealing with a minor child is easy compared to launching a legal adult son on his own. It take a lot of thought and work on providing the the incentives for a legally adult son to launch himself to become a self sufficient independent adult.
Giving him the master bedroom so that he will be more comfortable is a mom treating her son like he is a 5 yr old, rather than a 20 yr old. A mom of a 20 yr old when the 20 yr old asks for the bigger bedroom so that he is comfortable must respond with, Son, when you can afford to pay for your own place, you can have the master bedroom.
tray6 writes:
NTA. The way your wife went about this whole thing was terrible. She knowingly deceived you. She knowingly went against your wishes and did not at any point take your needs into account. You need to stop all financial support for this ‘child’. You need to take your room back. You also need to decide whether or not this marriage is worth it.