Man asks 'shocked' fiancée to sign a prenup, 'I grew up in a wealthy household.' AITA?
"AITA for asking my (27M) fiancée (26F) to sign a prenup?"
I’ve been with my fiancé for 3 years now and I proposed in September last year with the aim to tie the knot in June this year. We’ve been living together for a year and a half now.
For context, we are both from very different backgrounds. She grew up with not much money whereas I grew up in a wealthy household. I never cared nor thought about this and it has never gotten in the way of anything.
My family doesn’t approve of my fiancé as they wanted me to marry someone from a similar background to mine. There was a nasty divorce in the family with my uncle and his ex wife who also came from a poor background and my uncle lost a lot of money and big chunk of his assets.
Since we became engaged, my family has been non stop talking about making sure a prenup is in place to avoid what happened to my uncle. The thing is, my uncle married a 20 year old woman when he was 45, it was very clearly some sort of sugar daddy/baby relationship. This is completely different to the relationship I have with my fiancé, we very naturally fell in love, money was not involved whatsoever.
My mother has repeatedly been harassing me saying that my fiancé should have no issue signing a prenup if she’s not a gold digger. I have been feeling immense pressure from my family to get this done otherwise they’re not showing up to the wedding as they don’t approve.
Fast forward to last week, I briefly mentioned the idea of a prenup to my fiancé and if she would sign one as my family wants her to. She was understandably shocked and said she needed to sleep on it. The following day she said yes she would sign one and that was it, just one sentence.
Over the past week, things have really uncomfortable. My fiancee who is usually bubbly, upbeat and talkative has been so quiet. She is someone who is always smiling and laughing, so positive and has such an amazing energy to her,but it has completely disappeared. I’ve noticed also she’s been avoiding come back home and has been staying with her best friend.
I asked her this morning what’s wrong as her behavior has changed. I asked whether me asking for her to sign a prenup is the reason for her sudden change. After some back and forth with her she said "I'm not upset that you would like a prenup in place, I’m upset that you view me the same way your family does." She quickly rushed out and said she had to go to the office and her one sentence has hit me like a ton of bricks and I feel awful.
I’ve messaged a few friends and let them know what has happened and asked for advice and they told me that they think she is overreacting and it’s no big deal. But I can’t shake this feeling that I’ve messed up here and I’m the asshole? I never cared for a prenup in the first place.
EDIT:
Thank you to everyone for your replies, I’ve just found out that my mother has also been harassing my fiancé and calling her a gold digger and saying that the marriage won’t happen until she signs the prenup that my mother plans to draft so that combined with me springing the prenup on her has hurt her.
She has texted and told me she just needs some distance for the time being but she loves me and understands why my family want a prenup. I feel like such an idiot.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
mtngrl60 said:
Like other people are telling you, there’s nothing wrong with a prenup. If it is something the two of you have already discussed. However, it appears that you actually let your family dictate this request.
To your fiancé, this isn’t coming from you, it’s coming from your family. And it makes it 100% clear exactly how they view her, and to her, it means that you do view her the same way.
And she has to be questioning everything now. If you’re going to let them influence this, what else are you going to let them influence? Are you ever going to have her back in this relationship? That’s a huge for question for her now. And ultimately, it has her wondering if she can even trust you.
The other question is whether or not she can actually access your family money through you. If it’s in a trust for you, then it’s a trust. If you work for your family business, that would be no different than if you worked for a different business. How exactly do they think marrying you is automatically going to give her access to all the family money?
Also, what is their goal with this prenup? Is it to leave her absolutely penniless after 15 years of marriage with you if something happens? That’s not fair. Is it to make sure that if you break up and you have children, your family… having all the money… can easily afford a high-powered attorney and she can’t so that you can get the children away from her?
You really aren’t giving her the vibes that you think this is actually going to be a long-term commitment any longer. So she’s questioning everything. I guarantee it. An honest conversation really would’ve been more along the lines of… I know my family is pushing for a prenup.
As you know, my uncle got really burned, and it affected the whole family. I would like to know if you would be willing to sign a prenup, but please know that it only applies to my existing wealth.
I still feel that when we get married, we are a couple. What you had when we got married stays yours, and what I had stays mine, but from there on, anything we obtain as a couple belongs to both of us, regardless of how it was funded.
And I would absolutely make certain that the prenup was written that way and that you had your own attorney who could look it over to make sure that God forbid, if our marriage were to end for any reason, you and the kids would still be taken care of.
Because you know what, sir, that’s fair. A relationship is a partnership. And partners bring different things to the relationship. One may bring money, one may be the one who brings all the emotional security and organizes the family and really is the glue that holds the family together. They may not have the funds, but without them, there is no family.
And just because they don’t have a salary for all those things that they do, what they do is invaluable. It is necessary for a good life. It is necessary for a happy family. And it deserves to be protected in relat the event the relationship fails. Children deserve to be protected should the relationship fail.
That is what is fair. That is what is right. Should this relationship fail, she does not deserve to go from being financially secure to being destitute while you ride off into the sunset with all your money and your family. And that seems to be what your family wants to make sure happens.
Communication was pretty poor here. She feels like you’ve basically told her exactly where she stands in your eyes. And that is your fault.
Sweaty_Knee_7425 said:
The prenup is half the issue here. Your family has been bullying her fiance, and you, a grown adult, have now agreed with them and are doing their dirty work for them. I hope she ends the engagement. You want to be a husband and a father, you need to be able to stand up to your parents and defend your wife.
bathroomstallghost said:
Prenups aren't bad, but you seem spineless and your friends sound insensitive.
mcindy28 said:
YTA simply because you waited until after you proposed before suggesting a prenup. It's something you should have talked about all along even if hypothetically due to your family wealth.
The fact that she knows your family doesn't like her simply because she didn't come from money adds another layer. Lastly, your asshole mother is the icing on the cake for her. You hurt her to her core and even if you stay together your relationship will always be strained.
Yes, you and your family messed up cause your Uncle married a woman who could have been his daughter and got burned for it.
PrestigiousWedding36 said:
NTA for wanting a prenup but YTA for letting your mom dictate your relationship. Everyone should have a prenup no matter if you come from money or not. I firmly believe there should be a prenup or postnup especially if one parent is going to stay home if they have kids.
toastedmarsh7 said:
If you didn’t want a prenup and you let your family dictate the terms of your marriage, yes, YTA. I was the one in my marriage who had family money whereas my husband’s whole family is constantly in default. I didnt consider having him sign a prenup. We’ve been married 13 years and have 3 kids.