'AITA for not taking my fiancée to Thanksgiving because she wanted to bring her own food?'
"AITA for not taking my fiancée to Thanksgiving because she wanted to bring her own food?"
Me and my fiancee (both 20s) have been together for 3 years and had a long distance relationship. This is supposedly, her first thanksgiving with my family.
My mom invited us to attend thansgiving dinner and when I told my fiancee about the invitation she asked about what was prepared for dinner and I said the traditional dishes every home prepares and she made a face and said she'll accept the invitation and go BUT will bring her own cooked food with her.
I was shocked I asked why because as far as I know she's not allergic nor vegan and she hasn't even tried my mom's cooking. She said that it is just her choice and wanted to eat something else to add new flavor for thanksgiving since she was always forced to eat the same old traditional meals every year by her family.
I was mad I told her it'd be disrespectful of her as a first time guest at our family's thanksgiving but she said it was better than telling my mom to cook other dishes specifically for her.
I told her no she can not bring food with her and if she insists then she needs to stay home and not come with me because I'm not about to let her offend my mom's cooking.
She got all dramatic almost crying saying I was being controlling and that I should just let her come and bring her own food instead of overreacting like that. I stood my ground and she kept saying she wanted to bring food and that she wasn't willing to go hungry to please my mom. I had it at this point and got ready to go over to my parents who live hours away.
I got in the car with my stuff and left her behind crying then started calling me saying I should not have went and left her alone at home and that I was wrong for making this my hill to die and causing her to miss my mom's invite.
I'm at my parents house right now. I made up some excuse as to why my fiancee didn't come but I'm still bothered by what happened especially when she keeps guilting me for leaving her behind calling me selfish jerk and whatnot.
Here's what people had to say:
INFO: Is she talking about like an entire meal or extras?
Thanksgiving4433 OP responded:
A full on meal. She showed me what she was going to prepare and it was an instant no from me because if it had been say salads or some appitizers than that'd be completely different but she was talking about a full cooked meal for herself. I just kept imaginning how awkward the dinner table would've looked.
pbc85 said:
NTA. It would have been perfectly acceptable (gracious even) for her to bring a side dish (or two), so long as you cleared that with your mom ahead of time. But to pre-cook and bring her whole meal, and not eat your mother’s food at all, is rude. There’s something more going on here than she is sharing with you.
Thanksgiving4433 OP responded:
I wish, I wish that she'd bring some side dishes or deserts but no she wanted to bring cooked food just for herself. This stuff is highly disrespectful to my family.
Amyare said:
It’s disrespectful for anyone’s family. Manners 101.…When you go to someone’s house for dinner: 1. Bring something. Side dish, wine or even just a plant or flowers. 2. Eat what’s offered 3. Tell the cook how fabulous it is. 3. Bonus points - ask for seconds of something. As in “this is delicious, could I have a little more please?” 4. Help clean up. 5. Say Thank you when you leave.
GreekAmericanDom said:
NTA. But don't expect that you'll save this relationship. WTF is your fiancee thinking. She has no dietary restrictions, but feels that she needs to impose her vision on a meal she is invited to? This feels like a power play. This feels like a test to force you to choose her over your family. Nope right the f8ck out of that.
BBMcBeadle said:
NTA. This isn't her last meal on earth, or the only food she'll be able to eat for the rest of her life. This is one meal that someone is generously making to share with loved ones. If you're not a huge fan, you eat a minimal amount and then have a big dessert, stop at burger king on the way home, jam a pb&j in your coat pocket to eat in the car.
IglooInMyYard said:
NTA. Wanting to bring a side dish or dessert would have been great! Bringing an entirely separate meal for yourself (when you don’t have allergies) is straight up rude. When it comes to family meals, the point is family. The point is not the best meal of your life.
Do you want to know how many frozen pizzas I’ve eaten on Thanksgiving night after a mediocre meal at a family member’s house? Now that pizza is part of the tradition.
NTA - if she isn’t willing to compromise on this, what else won’t she compromise on? In no way shape or form is this the reaction of a mature adult. Think about your future seriously. How will you manage serious issues with her? How about raising a family?
Thanksgiving4433 OP responded:
Frankly, I don't know. A friend of mine said that this could be seen as my fiancee trying to assert dominance and showing my family (mom specifically) who is "in charge" sort of like a powerplay which I'm not entirely sure but could be true given the fact my fiancee had no issues eating others food when invited to events.