Man bans family from baby's birth over cake; says, 'this is not my mom's recipe.' UPDATED.
"AITAH or telling my mom and aunt they can't be at the hospital for the birth of our daughter over a cake recipe?"
My (40m) very pregnant wife (36f) is one of the purest women I know. She doesn’t have a mean, or malicious bone in her body. My mother and my aunt are second generation immigrants, as my grandmother and Grandfather met in a concentration camp during WWII and were liberated and came to America.
Because of this, they have developed a close bond. Both my maternal grandparents have long been deceased.
Now down to the story. My wife bakes on the side, and my family asks her to bake for them all the time, they pay her, and they get their baked goods. Mom and Aunt have asked my wife to re-create my grandma’s carrot cake recipe on many occasions.
My wife has done this, down to perfect detail, and even my mom and aunt have said it might be better than my grandma’s.
Now down to what caused me to blow up. My aunt was having a birthday party at her work and asked my wife to bake 2 dozen cupcakes. After the party, my aunt said, “They were a hit, and probably your best batch yet! But did you change something in the recipe? They were lighter, and even more moist than the last couple times you have made them for us.”
My wife responded, “Nope. Followed the recipe on my fridge as I always do.” Aunt – “No. I know my mom’s cupcakes, and you have made them perfectly before. This time you had to have used a different recipe, or ingredient. Did you use cake flour this time?”
Wife – “No. This is even the same bag of flour I used the last time.”
Aunt – “No. I know you did something this time. I know my mom’s recipe, and this is not her recipe.”
I told my wife to drop it, as it was going nowhere, and was starting to irritate her. My mom texted us later, “What did you do to the cupcakes? We want to know so that the next time we make them, we know what to do to make them taste just as good.”
My wife responded with everything she had said before. I told my mother to drop it, that she just read the recipe and went with it, as she always does.
A few days later, I caught my wife staring at the recipe on the fridge reading the recipe and asking out loud what she possibly could have done different this last go around. I could see she was upset, so I messaged my mom and aunt that they needed to apologize to her, because they ultimately were calling my wife a liar.
My mom, “We didn’t say those words. That’s rude and upsetting you would think we’re calling her a liar. Apologize to us.” During this back and forth, my wife had made the comment to me that she would be okay if they weren't at the hospital during the birth.
After a little bit of back and forth of me being (what I feel) gaslighted, by them saying they are not calling my wife a liar, I said, “Well. Until you can apologize to her for calling her a liar, don’t visit the hospital when she gives birth. We are not telling you the day we’re going in for delivery until you do.”
This has set a chain of events off in my family. My sisters agree with me, but my Mom, Aunt, and their friends have reached out saying I crossed a line. Even my wife has said that’s a little extreme. But when she's asked to talk to me about it, she says she respects the decision.
So Reddit, AITAH? I keep being told it’s petty to have this much of a blowup over a cupcake recipe, but I feel that it’s disrespectful to my wife. she says she’s not "that" upset, but as I said above, I catch her reading the recipe on the fridge and talking to herself about it throughout the days.
I don’t want my mom and aunts behaviors to continue through to our daughter, and I fear that they may do something similar to her down the line. This is how they’ve always been.
EDIT:
Edit: hey Reddit. With all do respect. I appreciate the comments, but I know my wife better than anyone commenting. The comments of, "making the decision without consulting her" are baseless. While we didn't have that exact conversation, and she didn't ask my family to not be there, I know what she was thinking because we communicate
It's like, how you don't ask someone to marry you unless you know the answer is yes, think along the same lines. My wife has also since then, told me she was ok with uninviting them from going to the hospital.
Edit 2: I'm getting a surprisingly high number of requests for the recipe. I asked the wife if I could share it.
She said, "Quit gossiping. Apologize for misspellings as I had pregnancy brain, and please let them know that I add a tsp of vanilla extract to the cake batter as well. Oh, and let them know that they can use any combination of carrots. 2 cups baby food, 2 cups shredded baby carrots, or one of each."
*Cook in a Bundt pan for 1 hour. Cupcakes are 23-24 minutes depending on gas or electric.
She's curious what people think of the recipe. She added she's not responsible for any family fights it may cause.
Here's what the top commenters had to say about this:
newprairiegirl said:
It could have been as simple as the freaking temperature or humidity that day, beat the mix an extra 30 seconds. Maybe the eggs were fresher than normal. There are so many variables when it comes to baking.
For them to harp about " you must have done something " is ridiculous. They should apologize that they were perhaps rude. You are bringing a new life into the family don't let it be tainted by something this silly.
Agoraphobe961 said:
NTA. It’s not about the cake recipe, it’s about them disrespecting and bullying your wife. Since your mom and aunt have the recipe, tell them from now on they can make it themselves if they don’t want to believe your wife.
Major-Distance4270 said:
Wait, do you mean IN the delivery room? Hell no, you don’t need an audience for that intimate moment.
Sweet_Sheepherder_41 said:
NTA. Now I’m craving carrot cake.
ImmediateShallot7245 said:
NTA you know your family better than anyone else. I love that you are protecting your wife.
Hazel2468 said:
NTA. Because it isn't ABOUT the cupcakes. It's about a complete lack of respect for you and your wife. I agree with other comments here. Your mom and aunt can make those cupcakes on their own.
I have to ask- is this the only time they've done something like this? Picked up something stupid and small and turned it into a chance to bully your wife?
UPDATE:
This will be possibly my final edit. I have spent too much time on here today. I respect all of your answers. I definitely understand where my outbursts caused a problem.
I'm going to apologize to my mother and tell her that she just needs to respect my wife a little more, and while she may not feel she did wrong, my wife took it a certain way, and that you can't help how people feel.
I agree that she's the innocent one in all this, and I appreciate all the positive words directed her way, even if there were not so kind words directed mine, I get it.
My wife has felt kind of like a celebrity tonight, and we have joined together in laughing in some of the comments. She hopes that her carrot cake recipe doesn't result in any family feuds.
I especially appreciate those that gave advice. I read through each and every one of them, and we had a great conversation surrounding some things you all said. I hope in some of my comments, I didn't come off as altruistic. I do kinda love her.
If any of you make the carrot cake, please entertain a pregnant woman's wishes and send me a message about what you think.