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Man breaks up with the love of his life because of her autistic son. AITA?

Man breaks up with the love of his life because of her autistic son. AITA?


When this man feels guilty for ending his relationship, she asks Reddit:

"AITAH For Breaking Up With GF Over Her Autistic Son?"

I’ve been dating Rachel (the love of my life) since the end of September last year. Things have been great and we really get on well. I’ve known Rachel has a son who is 10 years old named Cash that she splits custody with her ex.

I’ve met cash a few times but never for more than a few minutes at a time as Rachel and I live about 50 minutes from each other and only really see her on the weeks she doesn’t have Cash.

Well last weekend invited her to come stay at my place with Cash and we could go to the movies and the park and get ice cream( stuff of that nature).

She said Cash can’t handle movie theatres or places with a lot of people. I thought that was a bit weird but didn’t think super much of it.

When they came over Cash immediately started running around the apartment and yelling. I thought it was kinda funny and since I have ADHD I remember being a hyper kid. Rachel looked really embarrassed and went up to Cash and talked to him softly asking him to calm down.

Cash immediately started crying and flapping his hands. I thought that was really weird and immediately clicked that something was up with him.

I asked Rachel if cash had a condition after that and she revealed to me he has Autism. I was a bit taken a back as she had never mentioned that or the fact that he had any sort of behavioral issues. I asked her why she’s never brought it up and she said it didn’t seem super relevant and she is able to parent him just fine. I didn’t.

For the next two days cash proceeded to have multiple temper tantrums, trouble with eating, and on Sunday morning when I went to the bathroom there was poop all over the toilet and sink. I was pretty upset and woke Rachel to clean it as poop grosses me out.

They left after breakfast as I told them I was feeling sick(I wasn’t) and later on in the day she texted me saying she had a great time and so did Cash. I told her I didn’t think we’d be a good fit moving forward as usual couldn’t see myself helping raise cash.

She called me immediately and started crying saying how horrible I was being and that’s why she never brought him around me in the first place. I apologized but insisted we were done.

I’ve been feeling bad for this the last few days and Rachel has been trying to call me since and I’ve been ignoring her calls. I feel like maybe it was a shitty reason to break it off but also I don’t feel like I should have to put up with a child with those sort of issues. AITA?

mirabel7 writes:

NTA. Guilt is not a good reason to date someone. You will end up resenting Cash and he deserves better. Go for you for knowing your limits.

I understand she is sad, and it might not be the first relationship that ends because of Cash'Autism.

I have an autistic nephew, and very honestly, I was very clear with my sister (after several issues) that I wouldn't sacrifice my daughter's well being for her son. She didn't want to deprive him on anything so the end result was that everyone had to be deprived (her other child and mine particularly).

Things can get better if he can find a treatment/school/organization that help him get in control.

My nephew is now 18 and doing very well. He is not having tantrums anymore and knows how to get himself out situations when they are too stressful. It is all thanks to the therapy/treatment he followed that was handled also with the school. He was very lucky.

roweqvilent writes:

NTA - Raising a child with Autism is hard work. Any time you feel bad, remember Rachel willingly allowed you to date and develop feelings for her whilst she was fully aware that she was keeping a huge secret from you that she knew full well had the potential to completely obliterate your relationship.

She was also willing to introduce her son to somebody who had absolutely no idea about his needs and would have happily let him bond with you without knowing whether or not you were equipped to deal with him.

Cash is lucky you were brave enough to tell her straight away. A lot of people would have let it drag out for a couple of months to avoid looking like they were breaking up because of his Autism. By then her poor child would have had to deal with trying to understand where you went.

beachlife8 writes:

Well, IMO it was kind of an AH move on HER part to bring her kid over without even giving you a heads up that he was not an ordinary 10 year old. You've known her since last September and she never told you?

Honestly she should have told you up front, so you could make an informed decision as to whether or not to spend these months with her...if you knew that raising someone else's special needs kid is not for you, then you could stopped things from getting this far.

And she's not doing herself any favors by withholding the info from potential partners. It's going to take a special kind of person who will be willing and able to handle her son. She's not going to find him the way she's going. NTA for being honest that this situation is not for you.

bebecakes8 writes:

NTA, it’s good of you that you were honest and upfront. She deserves to be with someone who has no problem being apart of and helping raise her son and you gave her that out to find that person, and in turn you and her won’t have relationship issues due to you building resentment.

You by no means are obligated to remain in a relationship like this just because the kid has autism, imagine staying in it and having a hard time and resenting the relationship in which case if the kid realizes how you feel that would make the kid feel like it’s all his fault. Better to end things now than later I think.

traditional7 writes:

I have a son with autism.who is 27. As much as I try to have him 'behave', he is a lot. He will always probably live with me.

My boyfriend knew him before we began dating so they were used to each other but it's a lot. And depending on his function, he may never leave. It is not worth getting into if you don't think it's a match.

My son works and doesn't leave poop on the sink but he needs to be told to brush his teeth, feed the dogs, shower, wash your clothes, wash your plate, he is 27 but doesn't behave like an adult.

When I started seeing my boyfriend, he had known my son since he was 8. He was a friend and it started as a fwb but real.friends. We were both single just being friends with other needs.

It evolved naturally rather than dating for future partner. I guess I got lucky because bringing in a new person to the dynamic would have been a lot for.most. Autism.doesnt resolve itself at 18. NTA.

Looks like OP is NTA. Any advice for him?

Sources: Reddit
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