Man buys a $13,000 watch for his sister's 40th birthday, 'it was disrespectful.' AITA? UPDATED

"AITA for buying my sister a super expensive gift for her 40th birthday?"

I’d like to get some outside opinions on a situation that’s gotten a bit tense. I (35M) have been doing very well for myself lately after a recent promotion. One of my personal goals is to purchase a specific Rolex, and as part of that process, I’ve been trying to build a relationship with a luxury watch dealer.

My sister (40F) turned 40 last month, and since she’s my only sister and we’re very close, I wanted to give her something special. She loves designer items and has always appreciated that kind of thing.

So for this milestone birthday, I got her a Cartier watch—around $13,000. This is very out of the norm; typically, I spend about $200 on birthday gifts for both her and my brother-in-law (44M).

The issue started after her birthday. My BIL made a comment about how he hoped for a designer watch for his birthday too, and I laughed because I assumed he was joking.

Turns out, he wasn’t. I later found out he was actually upset about the difference in gifts. For his birthday (which was two months before hers), I got him a $200 gift, and for his 40th a few years ago, I gave him a $500 steakhouse gift card.

Now both he and my sister are upset. She said the gift was “disrespectful” to their relationship and too unequal, and while she seemed sad saying it, I couldn’t tell if it was more about the tension it caused.

To be clear, I wanted to do something unique and meaningful for my sister—someone I’ve known and loved my whole life. I’m not particularly close to my BIL, and honestly, I’ve always had to tolerate a bit of insecure behavior from him.

I didn’t expect this level of drama from what I saw as a generous, one-off gift. They have asked I return the watch and get two ~$6k watches. Privately my sister has said I shouldn't have bought the watch as it has annoyed my BIL very much.

Here's what people had to say about this one:

Basicbletch said:

NTA. Wow, so sorry your BIL happened to you and your sister! What a beautiful, thoughtful and generous gift to the person you're closest to in life. I'm sure your sister is completely fuming about having to give the watch back to appease her child's tantrum, oh oopps I mean husband.

IMO you either tell them exactly what you've said here - that this was a gesture to your sister and you won't take it back. Or you take it back and give her a $500 voucher to a steakhouse to make things even. BIL doesn't get to demand an expensive watch from you and I guarantee your sister is just trying desperately to keep the peace.

CSurvivor9 said:

NTA. Take the watch back and give your sister a $500 gift certificate and an apology for not honoring the code and doing the same for her. Then, end any discussion about it further. Your BIL is being a total A, and now your sister is following suit. You are not a bank.

doublestack12 said:

NTA your BIL can kick rocks, just greedy behavior. Get him nothing from now on a double her gifts! Better yet donate $500 to charity in his honor every year. They might get rid of the watch on their own though.

Agile-Entry-5603 said:

NTA. Take your sister out to lunch and have a long heart to heart, about what she means to you and why you wanted to give her that gift. Her husband is NOT your sibling and is NOT owed an equal gift. This isn’t the sandbox. Tell your sister not to let him talk her into giving the gift back or selling it. How childish.

Kab1212 said:

Absolutely NTA. Both your sister and BIL are extremely ungrateful and entitled. Honestly, your sister sounds worse than your BIL. Instead of putting her husband in his place and slapping him silly for being rude, she agreed and demanded that you return the gift and get them both something?! Absolutely absurd behavior.

Character-Twist-1409 said:

NTA and this is very entitled of both of them. Your sister can exchange the watch herself if she wants it's her gift. But it doesn't bode well for their marriage for him to be so jealous. This happened to me with a family member and in law and they're divorced now.

RedRunner04 said:

NTA. Return the watch if you must, but under no circumstance should you get a different gift of comparable value for both of them to share. They asked for equality, so match that with another gift card to your sister’s favorite restaurant.

UPDATE:

A day later, I saw a government ad about coercive control, and something just clicked. It felt like I finally had the words to describe something I’d been sensing for a long time. He’s always come across as insecure and controlling, but that ad and the last post helped me see it through a different lens.

I decided to call my sister. I had originally planned to talk in person, but once we got on the phone, the conversation naturally unfolded. I tried to be as kind and compassionate as I could.

I told her that I’ve been quietly worried for a long time. that there have been signs she’s in a controlling relationship, and it doesn’t sit right with me anymore. Some of the things I brought up:

I’ve never been able to see her without him around. Every lunch, birthday, even casual meetups — he must be there or we rescheduled. It’s like she’s never allowed her own space.

She doesn't have her own money, and she makes more than him. I had grey knowledge of a listed company that was about to make an announcement, and she couldn't invest because he doesn't "trust" the stock market. The company went up 5x a week later.

Over time, she’s lost contact with all her old friends. Her entire social circle now is just him and his people. I told her it didn’t seem like a healthy dynamic.

That I missed the version of her who felt more free, more present, more herself. I really tried to be compassionate but she just snapped. She brought up my past that I dropped out of university, was a rebellious teen, smoked weed, caused our mum stress.

After 2 of my best friends died in a car, I struggled for a few year and did a lot of rebellious stuff when I was 18-21. But it felt like a way to discredit what I was saying now. She told me I had no right to judge her life, and then said she was going no contact with me.

It hurt. A lot. I didn’t reach out to judge her or try to “save” her. I just wanted to tell her how I felt, because I love her, and I was scared for her. I hope I planted a seed. Its really hard at the moment I feel like I lost my sister and niece forever. The sad thing is I feel a lot of relief I don't need to see my BIL again.

Here's what people had to say about the update:

lmmontes said:

Wow, what a nightmare this guy sounds. And managing the money SHE earns? And after you talked to her, she brought up stuff that happened YEARS ago after you have grown and are successful? She is definitely drinking his delulu lemonade. NTA. Hopefully she will open her eyes one day.

WomanInQuestion said:

NTA - your sister isn’t ready to admit she’s in an emotionally abusive relationship.

CosyMam said:

All you can do is leave the door open for her to come back and support her when she realizes she needs help. People need to come to these realizations alone unfortunately! NTA.

jenniebet said:

There's a very good chance that she snapped at you because deep down she knows you're right, but confronting that reality is painful and scary. Ask me how I know (and I didn't have a kid involved). You planted a seed, and that's all you can do for now.

swillshop said:

OP, You are such a good brother! You did your best for your sister. Yes, here's to hoping that you planted a seed that takes root and helps your sister see things clearly in the (near) future. I'm also proud of you for realizing that you didn't have the magic words that would make her want to be saved from her choices.

I'm sorry that you are grieving the relationship you used to have with your sister. I think you know that it's gone because she married her husband, not because of anything you said in this particular phone call.