'AITA for cancelling my wife’s birthday party after she called my sister a leech?'
"AITA for cancelling my wife’s birthday party after she called my sister a leech?"
My wife’s birthday party was suppose to be this Friday. I actually wanted her present to be a surprise this year, it is not uncommon that my wife will open an Amazon package thinking it was something else ruining the present surprise.
My sister and her do not have the best relationship and it is due to different values. They basically disagree on everything but the big thing that my wife hates is that my sister has asked for money or help.
We have a shared account and keep separate money. I will lend my sister cash, but I haven’t had to do that in a while. I lend her from my account not the shared account. She also pays me back.
So I sent my wife’s present to my sister's house and was going to pick them up Thursday. I got a text for my sister saying she got the packages and my wife saw the text. She made a comment about giving handouts again. She basically told me enough was enough and that I need to stop sending her shit.
She called my sister a leech that can’t get her s#^$ together This resulted in an argument and I told her that I am returning her birthday present. I am also canceling the dinner party. We had another big argument, and I did cancel the plan and asked my sister to return the packages. My wife is pi&*$d at me and called me a jerk and I told her that this is her own fault.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
If you are lending (or giving) money to the detriment of your household you’d be an idiot. However, in this case you have a shared account which funds the household so there is no impact.
It’s interesting that your wife opens packages that are sent to you. I’d guess that if you opened her packages she’d be livid (double standards). It suggests she has no boundaries and doesn’t want you to have, not secrets, exactly, but things for yourself. It smacks of a controlling nature. You‘re NTA for cancelling but you would be if you don’t sit her down and set boundaries.
OP responded:
Lending money doesn’t affect me or the household at all. The biggest expense was around $2000, so her cat could have emergency surgery. She did pay that back.
I truly don’t understand what her problem with me spending money that doesn’t affect us at all. Not to mention me lending money has helped her get her life together. She just finished her nursing course and works at a hospital now.
If your sister is asking for things like emergency surgery for her pet and is paying it back and it does not affect your wife in any shape or form then I think your wife is out of line completely. It’s nice you are there to support your sister and in this example helped her save her cat. Why does your wife hate your sister so much? Is she jealous of her? Is she competing with her?
eaglewye writes:
Perhaps because she wants to be the only pebble on the beach. She somehow sees your sister as vying for your attention, as a competitor. Or she’s just selfish. Or both.
I realise you haven’t written a whole thesis on your marital life and it’s events (please don’t !) but I think she sees you only in context as an extension of her. A possession. You are not an individual just her partner and as such she finds it reprehensible that you would consider doing something for anyone else.
The irony is that by helping your sister she’s now becoming self sufficient and will not be a financial or emotional drain (not saying she was) for the rest of your lives.
candlylan writes:
ESH. You are treating your wife like a child who needs to be punished because she said something that you didn't like. You are conflating two different issues: the tension between those two, and her birthday.
You should have acted like an adult, and had a calm discussion where you expressed your feelings about wife's comments. Instead, you are being high-handed and patronizing. Wife and sister's (to a lesser extent) bad behaviour is obvious. Wife should have left the matter between you and sister. Sister should get her act together.
Why does he have to act like an adult & not the one who went straight to insulting his family instead of asking what the message was about? She can’t dictate what he chooses to do with the money that comes out of HIS account
ESH. Why are you both so passive-aggressive? Good relationships are built on communication, but retaliation.