'AITA for deciding to change my will without telling my wife?'
"AITA for deciding to change my will without telling my wife?"
My (34m) wife (32f) and I just had our first baby today. We were in the delivery room, all was going well, and I was holding her hand trying my best to be supportive. She was in pre-labor and was experiencing irregular contractions that she said weren't painful yet. I told her how much I loved her and that she was doing great but made sure not to talk too much either.
All of a sudden, my wife tells me to "please get out." I ask her what happened, and she says she just doesn't want me there right now. I stand there in surprise for several seconds, after which the midwife tells me to get out or she'll call security.
I feel humiliated. Not only was I banned abruptly from watching my child's birth, but it was under the threat of force. Throughout our marriage, I've suspected that my wife wouldn't be with me if it wasn't for my job and family background.
Her eyes don't light up when I come home from work. I start our long hugs and she ends them early. Her eyes wander when I'm talking to her. I don't think she loves me nearly as much as I love her.
I'm not accusing her of being a gold digger. She may "love" me on some level, but I don't know that she has ever been in love with me. If I died tomorrow, I don't know if it would take her very long to move on.
I live in a state where the right to an elective share is 25% of separate property. We don't have a prenup, so this means that my wife has a right to at least 25% of my separate property if I die even if I were to disinherit her in my will. I've decided to will her 30% of my separate property (was previously 100%) and 100% of our communal property if I die.
The rest of my separate property, including income-producing assets and heirlooms, goes to my children and other family members. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Nervous_Hippo8855 said:
Perhaps you should ask her why she wanted you to leave and move forward with a better understanding. I would have fully preferred to be alone with medical people at delivery. It would have been easier for me to focus on my needs and delivery than to be acting as part of a couple during delivery.
I knew it would bother my husband greatly if I delivered alone so he was present each time. He does not know this 20+ years later but I would have still preferred to have been alone.
The grandma's were told point blank no to their request to be present. We have a solid relationship and marriage and preferring only medical staff had nothing to do with him. Find out her reasoning before you consider it marriage ending. Good luck.
Careless-Ability-748 said:
It's understandable you were upset and hurt that she threw you out of the delivery room, but clearly your marriage already has issues if you jump from that to changing your will the same day. You two need to have a heart to heart conversation.
Do note though, that your wife didn't threaten to remove you by force, that was the midwife. And without more info, it's hard to assess her feelings. All those things you described are things both my husband and I have done to each other at some point - eyes wandering, not in the mood for a long hug, etc. It doesn't mean we don't live each other, just that we're not always in the mood to show it.
Big-Net-9971 said:
Briefly, this is petty and weird. TALK to your wife. Childbirth is complicated and can be messy. A common event is for the mother to pass her bowels during contractions - something your wife might have done and not wanted you around for…
But, really, having you removed was her call, and you’ll have to ask her -why- she did that - but first tell her that it hurt you to be ejected from the room like that, and that’s why you’re bringing it up. But most importantly - talk with your wife…
x_hyperballad_x said:
Amazing that OP has the mental bandwidth to be strategizing like this on the actual day his first baby was born. Extremely petty and self-absorbed. Makes me wonder if he’s on a completely different planet than his wife in general. Sounds like she was well within her right to demand space from him so she could focus on birthing a human. Yikes.
FruitParfait said:
Guessed we skipped the whole “talk it out like adults” and went straight to “be petty and make decisions that ultimately aim to hurt my partner and our marriage for no reason." Yeah, well, I don’t think this marriage is gonna last much longer if this is how you go about things.
OP responded to a comment with this info:
I feel like some of this may be a cultural gap. In our culture, we merge our lives when we get married.
If she didn't want me there, I would have felt a lot better about her talking about it with me beforehand, hearing my opinion, and asking me if I would be okay with not being present at our child's birth. I would have respected her wishes, even though it would have hurt.
It's just demeaning to threaten me with force instead to keep me from being present at my child's birth. I'm sure you'll disagree, but that's okay. I think everyone should do what they think is right.