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Man chronicles the saga of being alienated by relatives; 'My stepdad turned my entire family against me.' AITA? MAJOR UPDATES 3X

Man chronicles the saga of being alienated by relatives; 'My stepdad turned my entire family against me.' AITA? MAJOR UPDATES 3X


When this man is completely alienated by his stepdad over the course of several years, he asks the internet:

'My stepdad turned my family against me. AITA?'

My stepdad turned my family against me. So, let me start this off by saying I apologize for how long this may be. My dad passed when I was 15. Him and my mom weren't all that close by that time, so while it hit me hard, she wasn't as fazed as you'd expect.

I joined the military when I was 17, and in my first year out of the house my mom remarried. I never really vibed with him, just had different personalities and such.

He would often make snide remarks and tell me to, "man up," about any inconvenience I'd be upset about. This led to spats between us, and I was often just as at fault as he was for these disagreements, though it never got too serious.

I got medically discharged after a little under 5 years and my mom and him said they'd be happy to have me back in the house. I told them it'd be brief, just until I got on my feet and got a job, and even offered to pay rent, to which they declined.

About 3 days in to being back home my stepdad when alone with me, asked what he thought a fair rent would be. I was confused, but it was his house, so we came to an agreement, and I kept it from my mom assuming he did not want her to know as he never mentioned it around her.

I never asked for anything from them, not out of spite, I just wanted to do things myself. He had a son from a previous marriage. Him and I didn't share many common interests or anything, but I never had any issues with him, I'd say we got along.

The only thing is, he was given a lot from them. Paid for his schooling, paid for his car, paid for his living arrangements, through college and even after, (I was a little less than a year older than him, so he started college right after they married.)

Like I said, I didn't want or need the help but it felt lame that he'd get all that assistance and I was immediately asked for rent, but I digress.

I moved out after 3 months, and not long after met a girl who I was crazy about and we started dating. It was my first relationship, and I was over the moon the entire time. Like in that early relationship haze but it was just constant. I was very nervous to bring her home.

My mom and I were very close, and I always worried she'd be very judgmental of a girl I'd bring home. My worries ended up being unwarranted, they got along extremely well. My gf does not have a family really, (long story) so my mom and stepdad became like that for her.

Her and my mom hit it off extremely well to the point they were hanging out just the two of them at times, and it made me extremely happy.

My stepdad even really liked her, and I felt it brought us closer together, which isn't something I felt I wanted until we were. His dad abandoned his family growing up, and he put himself through school and got a nice high paying job all by himself which I had immense respect in him for.

About a year in I knew this was the girl I was going to marry. I told my mom and stepdad and they both seemed extremely happy. She was practically part of the family already. My mom gave me her engagement ring my dad gave her which she kept.

The job I had didn't pay great, so I figured even if it wasn't the ring she'd always have, it'd be a great placeholder. When I proposed my gf told me it wasn't a placeholder and she absolutely loved it.

I was legitimately never happier in my life. We started wedding planning and my mom and stepdad said they'd help take care of the finances. It was the first time they'd offered to help me financially and it really meant a lot.

Fast forward to about 3 months later, I get a call from my stepdad who said I needed to come over. Felt a bit ominous, but I went over there after work. When I got there, my mom, stepdad, stepbrother, and fiancée. I saw her on the couch and could tell she had been crying.

I immediately thought someone had died and went to go sit next to her when my stepdad stopped me. He started hitting me with accusations of me cheating on her for our entire relationship.

I was puzzled and told everyone there I don't even text any women I'm not related to besides her. Apparently, some girl had gotten my fiancée's number and told her that we were sleeping together for over a year now, but she didn't know I was in a committed relationship.

She sent her screenshots of alleged conversations and knew stuff about me that a random person wouldn't know. I, like a fool, couldn't see what was happening in front of me. I was stunned, saddened, and furious. I begged her from across the room to look at my phone and see I'd never done any of that.

Her and my mother were both weeping, and I started to cry. My stepdad called me every word he could think of and escorted me out of the house while telling me if he saw me on his property again, he'd call the police.

I spent the next several weeks trying to contact them to no avail. Calls, texts, voicemails, every messaging app out there, nothing. After those weeks I got a call from my stepdad who told me to stop trying to contact her, and that I was never welcome in his house or around HIS family again.

I tried to call my mother over this time to no avail as well. After about a month, all I got from anyone was a text from my mother saying how sad and disappointed she was. My mom didn't really have much family, so they always spent holidays with my stepdad's side.

They all shunned me as well. I saw their Christmas pictures on Facebook with my ex-fiancée present and seemingly in good spirits, which crushed me. The only family I had that would talk to me at all, was my dad's brother and his family. Despite that even, they all seemed wary of me too.

The only one that I think truly believed me was my uncle. I don't think I'd have made it without him honestly. He showed me what I'd been missing in fatherly love, and I've never been so grateful for anyone.

About 6 months after it all, I moved away from the east coast and settled out in California, needing to get away from it all. A little less than a year after I moved, I got call from an area code from back home, which I rarely got anymore. I picked up and it was my stepbrother, whom I promptly hung up on.

He called me back, and I ignored it, but it stuck with me all day. I decided that if he called back again, I'd pick up. Which he did later that night. It was awkward, at best. He told me my fiancée was really torn up for a long time.

It took her nearly a year to even start looking again for a significant other, (I hadn't at all since it ended). A few months into her doing so my stepdad encouraged him to ask her on a date, which he did. Things went ok for the first couple outings but never really clicked apparently.

He told my stepdad about that, and the idiot told him, "I didn't get rid of OP for nothing, she's a great girl, you need to figure it out with her." I almost collapsed, and it was quickly replaced with anger.

Apparently, he had gotten a girl (I still don't know who) to pose as someone I had an affair with and forged some message screenshots to have her send to my fiancée. He told me he'd said it to him about a month ago, and he didn't know what to do.

Apparently, it bothered him enough that he couldn't just sit on the info anymore, so he told me and said he was going to tell my mom and fiancée the next day. He called me first as a courtesy, so he knew what to say to them regarding me.

I told him where I was, and that I'd appreciate it if they didn't immediately contact me, so I had some time to digest it all.

That was last Tuesday, I just texted him and told him I was ready to talk to them if they wanted to, and that they could call me tomorrow. I really don't know what I'm gonna say, or them for that matter. I expect some tears and a good number of apologies among other things.

I don't really know if I'm ready to give forgiveness or anything like that. The only person I've told so far is my uncle, who I've asked to keep it to himself. Sorry again for how long this was. My therapist picked a shit week to go on vacation, and I needed to vent.

Update: Will post a longer update tonight I think. No phone calls from anyone else yet, but a good call from my stepbrother that felt nice. I appreciate the support from everyone, I'll try to get to all the comments as well when I get a chance.

Before we give you OP's big updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

oldnew writes:

Your stepfather is a truly awful insecure small-minded man. Just my two cents but you should always stay no contact with him. He will never be on your side.

You might be able to understand why ex-fiancée believed what she did, and even forgive her, but that does not mean you should reestablish any type of relationship. That boat sailed when she didn’t believe you or give you a chance to prove your innocence.

There are plenty of other women out there for you to meet who aren’t easily manipulated or dragging the baggage of faithlessness with them.

So sorry for all the pain this has caused but as long as your stepfather is in the picture your own life will be much happier without any of them in it.

littledad7 writes:

My family betrayed me as well in a similar manner. They wouldn’t even hear me out at all and when the truth came out they were crying and apologizing. I told them we’re done like how u we’re done with me.

It’s to late for forgiveness because I’ve moved on and want nothing to do with u. It’s hard to explain but it’s like trying to be close with a stranger,u can’t force it. I told my family if u had showed a bit of mercy and gave me a little crumbs(heard me out) I could’ve maybe move past it.

But your actions show u don’t care about me at all regardless of how much u say u love me so I went no contact. Some family and friends called me petty so I dropped them out of my life to. It was hard but it feels good being free and not caring about other people. Live your life and best of luck bro

babychuman writes:

I'm glad the truth seems to be finally coming out. I would suggest complete NC and anyone who stays in contact and defends your stepdad should be made NC too.

This person has damaged tour reputation within the family. Ask your brother if he get some kinda proof(recording ,video,etc) and share it on social media between the family members to help clear your name.

Next I would strongly suggest against having any sort of relationship with these people until they have apologised and made amends by clearing your name to limit the damage they have done. They also need to make it clear that this was orchestrated by your stepdad to sabotage your relationship.

I would also advise if your mum isn't divorcing your step dad then cut other out your life. She didn't have your back at all. She needs to apologise for bringing a person into your life who drive a wrecking ball through it. She has got a lot of work to do to make amends to show she is even worthy to have back in your life.

I would suggest against going back to date your ex considering she believed the word of a random person over you. That trust was destroyed when she broke up with u. No need to go back to a broken relationship that ended with distrust.

Also you have moved on with your life and I'm assuming got a new job where u are. Live the best life there. Look upwards and forwards and do not look back.

Lastly all the best to and your uncle who was the only person who had your back throughout this situation. Make sure u let him know every chance u get how appreciative u are of his support and belief in you.

Regarding their apologies, they are free to apologise and you are free to accept it, and acknowledge that they did u wrong. However that doesn't mean u need to forgive or should ever forgive them for what they did by driving you out of the family.

Def thank the step brother for coming forward and telling the truth when he found out and your uncle for having your back. Definitely consider speaking to a therapist for some sessions before u decide if u want to forgive any of them.or even want a relationship with them. Best of luck to you.

diabloe7 writes:

I am so sorry what happened to you Op. If I were you I wouldn't forgive your family and as for your fiancé, she disnt deserve you, if you want to forgive her is up to you but do not get back together with her. She instantly believe another person instead of you.

She didnt even tried to hear you or at least try to find some type of evidence(photos, videos, text from your phone, etc) to prove that you actually cheated instead she believe a random person who send her a text probably without evidence that you cheated.

As for your mother, dont forgive her and she can go fuck herself with your step-dad and anyone who cut you out because of what your piece of shit of step dad did.

Also when you meet your family again, secretly record them so that you have prove of what they did to you. I wish you good luck and I hope that you find a girl that is much better than your ex-fiance.

And now, OP's first update:

Alright, sorry for the delay. Busy day at work, and obviously a lot of other stuff on my mind. My stepbrother called me this morning and told me exactly what happened this past week.

So apparently, what my stepfather said wasn't exactly what he told me. He elaborated more and said he was very careful with his words so as to not incriminate himself. Per him, heavily and very clearly implying what he did without directly saying what he did.

Thing about my stepbrother is, he's much smarter than me. Instead of just walking to my mother and fiancée with that and getting into a shouting match with his dad, he took a different course that I wouldn't have thought of.

He got ahold of my ex's phone and found the girl. Said it took him forever to back track it. He gave her a call and got her to meet him out in public. That's where it all came to head.

She was a tinder match with my stepfather, which I think pretty clearly indicates that he had been sleeping around on my mom. That irritated me even more, for obvious reasons. This girl alleges they did not sleep together, however whether that is the truth did not matter to me.

What does is my stepbrother talked to her and pulled on her heartstrings with the story and all that had happened. (For the record, she clearly knew what she was doing, maybe the time and hearing what had happened to me really shook her up but again, it doesn't matter to me.)

She told him what happened. A thousand dollars for a phone call. That was the deal. He told her what to say and supplied the pictures of "evidence". She made the call and that was that.

My stepbrother asked her if she could tell my mother and ex, (and even offered to pay her again for the record). She agreed to for free and that happened on yesterday. My stepfather is on a business trip until Wednesday, so it was the 4 of them there. She came in and spilled it all to my mom and ex.

Stepbro said the tears started almost immediately from all three of them. After everything he told them I was in California and that he'd tell them when I wanted to be contacted, (was before I texted him).

A little backstory for you guys to try to understand some stuff about my mother and ex-fiancée, and this is in no way defending their actions, just to help some folks understand. My mother and I were inseparable after my dad passed. We were each other's rock.

When I turned 16, I began to drink to kinda dull it all a bit. I told my mom we'd spend New Year's together the year I was 16 and ended up out with my friends drunk as all hell. I got a text from my mom who spent the night alone at home and that was where we were never quite the same.

She sent me a text about how sad she was she was all alone, and I felt like complete shit over it. I stopped drinking that day until after everything went to hell. She is the type of person to always need someone.

She can't handle being alone. I think when her and my dad's love began to fade, I filled that void, and when I was growing and ended up leaving home, my stepfather filled that void.

Then my ex. As I said earlier, she doesn't have a family really. She had some real trust issues due to this along with some really nasty past relationships. Despite this, she never would talk badly about past boyfriends, which I really admired. (One was physically abusive, and I consider that an obvious exception.)

I, despite being debilitatingly shy, have been often told that I'm cute, especially by younger girls, (meaning younger than me, not children.) I really never liked that title, as it's not very masculine, but got over it and learned to appreciate my boyish face and how often I would blush.

My fiancée is just shy of 3 years older than me. I've always preferred older girls, and never given much time or thought to the girls who seemingly liked me because they were 18-20. This didn't stop attention which upset my fiancée.

She'd often ask why I wasn't interested in these girls/why I didn't leave her for someone younger and prettier, etc. I always found her extremely attractive, significantly more attractive than me honestly, and would always reiterate that to her, and that I never cared about any other girl.

Ok, sorry to get off track. That again I hope brings a little insight to why I think they did what they did and believed what they believed. Again, this is not an excuse for them, nor am I really all that understanding personally. At the end of the call with my brother, he said they both wanted to call today, and I told him that'd be fine.

So, I sat and waited. By about 3 PM I was a little confused. I started to wonder if he'd made it all up to mess with me. It really worried me honestly. I got a text from him asking if I was all good.

I said yeah, and asked if they were actually planning on calling today. He said they'd been trying for the last few hours. I'd blocked them both when I moved out west and forgotten. Why I didn't block him, I don't know. I'm thankful I didn't though. I unblocked them both and got a call from my mom about 10 minutes later.

First thing she said was I sounded different. I almost hung up right then. Took all I had to just say, "yeah." She broke down immediately after that. I really thought I'd feel more. I'd be lying if I said I felt nothing but the pain of it all just took hold of me more than her words.

She asked if I'd gotten her texts, I said no. I guess she'd been trying to text over the last year, but I had her number blocked. If she really wanted to reach me, she could have.

Maybe that's a little shitty, but I know it's true. I pretty much told her that I'd be willing to build some semblance of a relationship back with time, and she was happy with that.

She also told me she was getting all her necessities out of the house before my stepfather got home, and she'd be filing for divorce immediately. I believe her too.

She may be a poor excuse for a mother in my eyes, but she's never been someone to take half measures. I really wish I could be there to see that prick's face when he comes back to an empty home.

My ex got the phone next and did the same tearful apologies my mom did. I felt a little more with her. I actually tried to get her to think and remember how many times I told her I'd never do that to her and how much I loved her. She was beside herself, and to be honest, I'm glad.

We talked for about half an hour, and I really thought it was pleasant. I, even though I told myself for over a year now that it'd never happen again, thought there could still be something for us.

She told me she still had the ring, and it made me upset. I told her to give it to my mom, cause it didn't belong to either of us anymore. I could tell that really crushed her, and selfishly, I wanted it to.

She asked if she could call/text me. I told her it was fine, but to not expect a prompt response either way, which she understood. Pretty much gave her the same ultimatum as my mom. Though I said any chances of us having a future relationship were very slim. She said she understood that too.

I talked to my brother last and thanked him for everything he'd done. He was helping my mom get her stuff out of his father's house. He apologized for all that had happened and told me he was going to go tell the rest of the family everything as well.

Them, I have no connection to and won't say a word to I don't imagine. Except my stepdad's mother. Oldest person in any of the families and she wished me a happy birthday and Merry Christmas over the last year.

Maybe she was old enough that she doesn't care, maybe she felt bad, but I'll talk to her, odd as it is. Sorry for all the rambling. I fly home for my uncle's 60th birthday the first week of March, it'll be my first-time home since I moved out here.

I'll definitely plan on seeing my brother as well. I'm not adverse to seeing my mom and ex, but I've made it clear to them, that I've got a lot of healing to do, and so do they. If anything, further happens I'll update again, maybe after that trip home, but that looks like it for the time being.

Also, this is kinda the last "social media" I have. I haven't been on here super often in the last year for the reasons I'm sure you could guess.

I truly haven't seen any similar stories to mine that have been referenced in the comments, (though I'd like to if you can find them). I'm more than happy to answer any questions anyone would have regarding this whole thing to the best of my knowledge. Thank you everyone.

Brief Update on 2/8: Got a call from a number back home. I deleted most of my numbers a while ago from anyone I wasn't talking with. I picked up and it was my stepfather. He said hello and I hung up and blocked the number. I immediately called my mom, fiancée, and brother.

They're all safe, not around him. Mom is in hotel that he doesn't know about, fiancée and brother are at their residences, and both say they feel adequately protected. (He is not by any indication a violent man but better safe than sorry.)

My brother said he got a call from him this morning when he got home after my mom wasn't there and wouldn't answer.

Brother told him what happened and not to contact any of them. Not sure how long he sat there but he called me around 3 PM Pacific. About an hour ago I got a message from a different number saying, "We need to talk." I assume that's him. I haven't responded. That's the latest.

Brief Update 2/9: Stepdad's mother called me. Had her number saved because of what I previously stated. Was a bit worried it may have been him trying to gather some info or something. It wasn't.

She's a very sweet lady who did not have to be nice to me in any way but has shown me compassion. She was very nice and wished me well while also apologizing on behalf of the family. I thanked her and wished her the best too. Shocking he came from that woman.

OP's second major update:

Alright, sorry for the delay everyone. Work has been busy, and I just got home this past weekend.

I sat on that message from what it turns out, was in fact my step father. My curiosity got the better of me and I called him. (I did do what some had suggested and recorded the call using a different app.)

I wish I could say the call provided me something but that would be disingenuous. Hearing his voice made my skin crawl. He asked how I was, I told him to cut the shit, and he laughed. Nothing incriminating on his end, of course.

Talk was about 3 minutes long, about nothing. I did ask him why he wasn't content with me being with her. He said I wasn't, "Man enough," and that a woman like her would've been wasted on me.

He has a very traditional way of thinking relationship wise. Which is especially funny, because it shows how much he never knew about our relationship, or her in general.

Without going off on a tangent, my ex was/is pretty notably against gender norms, (she has a very well paying job and told me she'd never be comfortable being a stay at home mom/wife, she often took the initiative for stuff in our relationship, etc.)

There wasn't really much to take away from the conversation other than that. I dont really know what he wanted but I told him not to call me again and hung up. Not very eventful on that front.

I flew back home prior to the weekend last week and went to my uncle's birthday party. Had a good time and the family was very welcoming and apologetic for not being more supportive after everything.

(None of them were ever rude or anything, I've got no negative feelings towards any of them). I talked with my brother and set up a meeting at his place with my ex and mother on Wednesday night.

On Wednesday, I went over there and got what I expected. Lot of tears, lot of apologies. I admittedly had a tough time keeping it together. I talked with both of them and my brother all independently.

Mom has already filed for divorce which is good and I appreciate her doing so. We had a decent conversation. You can tell it's strained but I think we're making some progress towards healing.

My brother and I had a good talk. Was nice to talk with him in person. He apologized for everything that had happened, and I accepted it. Can definitely tell he feels remorse for how it all shook out, and for the work he put in to make it right, I definitely don't hold a grudge.

My ex and I had a very long discussion through most of the night. We'd been talking over the phone for the last couple weeks already. A lot of it was just catching up. We're obviously two very different people now after nearly a year and a half away. We had some more serious discussions later on, about everything.

About how screwed up it all was and how broken I was by it all. She told me she'd already seen a therapist and asked if I would be willing to come with her to her appointment Thursday.

She's gone above and beyond for everything I could've asked of her the last few weeks, and I am really truly appreciative of it. I went with her to her therapy appointment, which I feel was very productive for everyone. Her therapist seemed to be very appreciative of me being there as well.

So we stayed talking for a while after and I decided to ask if she wanted to go out Saturday night.

So that's the plan right now. I don't know exactly what's going to happen but I wanted to show her that I appreciate the effort she's putting in to try and mend what's been broken. And selfishly, I'd like to see her in a setting that isn't like the ones we've been in.

So that's the update for now. Things are looking up, haven't seen any of my stepdad or his family since getting home. Appreciate all the support from everyone. Will update with anything new.

OP's 3rd update:

Date went very well. We had a nice night together. Got dinner, went to an arcade after, which we used to do somewhat frequently. It's the first date I've been on in nearly a year and a half, and I enjoyed myself a lot. We went back to her place after and talked.

Going to discuss the next steps during this week before I head back to California. The distance part is going to be the hardest part, but I think it'll help keep the rose colored glasses off if we aren't with each other constantly. Thank you again for the support from everyone.

What do YOU make of OP's story? Any advice for him?

Sources: Reddit
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