Man considers leaving wife; 'Her weight is becoming a problem.' UPDATED

"I’m (32M) considering leaving my wife (30F) because of her weight."

Alright before I get called an AH let me explain. I love my wife, I think she’s incredibly beautiful and even more so after she gave birth to our son 3 years ago.

The problem is that she put on a good amount of baby weight (Obviously) and never lost it. She instead started to gain more weight and was overall pretty depressed.

I initially assumed it was PPD and suggested she go to therapy for it. She went to therapy and got some anti-depressants, it took her a while find the right ones, and she’s been fine mentally since she found them.

Physically is a different story however. She has continued over the past 3 years to gain weight. The problem isn’t anymore that i’m not attracted to her, But she will die if she continues to gain weight. She is currently 5’2 about 260 pounds with a BMI close to 50.

I don’t know what I can do, I feel like i’ve tried everything. I’ve asked her to go to the gym with me, go on a diet with me, Not buy fast food, have some active hobbies. She’s turned down every single one of these ideas.

I feel like I don’t have any choice but to give her an ultimatum. Either she genuinely tries to lose the weight or I leave. I can’t watch the women I love and mother of my child slowly hurt herself.

I don’t want to be the dude who gives an ultimatum, but I see no other choice. I guess I just wanted to ask if i’m being an asshole or if theres any other way I could go about this.

Edit: For everyone in the comments telling me you can be overweight and healthy, youre right. But No, you can not be Obese and healthy, at least not long term. Heart disease runs in my wife’s family and while your weight might not effect you, being overweight is directly linked to heart disease.

I understand weight loss isn’t easy, I used to be overweight, but my concern isn’t that’s she not the same way she looked when we got together, It’s that she may not live to see our son become a teenager.

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some top responses:

frakty writes:

Have you asked her if she wants to lose the weight? Because that's the key factor here. If she says no, she doesn't want to lose it, then you can go ahead and skip the ultimatum because you know the answer already.

But if she says she does want to lose the weight, then your next step at this point is to ask probing question and shut up and listen to the answers. Questions like, 'What do you think is the biggest thing holding you back?'

questions like, 'How do you feel about yourself these days?', questions like, 'Are you happy?' You should be asking a lot of questions. If she can't answer, you should be gently prompting her to take a few minutes to think and then try to answer again.

You should be hearing her answers without judgement (externally, at least. internally you may have strong feelings about what she has to say, but if you display judgemental, shaming, defensive, or otherwise negative responses to her honesty - that will be the end of honesty. she needs to feel safe to be honest with you about an extremely vulnerable topic or else you may as well not even bother).

This is information gathering. This is not the place for you to talk about your feelings about her weight, her body, her choices or lifestyle. (You WILL get a chance to talk, though! I promise. It's just not this conversation). This is the place for you to listen deeply, as compassionately as possible, to her feelings, needs, and wants.

This conversation needs a babysitter, and time. Set aside a few hours, make sure you're in a distraction-free place.

Once you feel you've heard everything, then take some time yourself to consider the answers. Is this salvageable? Do you WANT to salvage it? Does she?

I think you'll find you don't need an ultimatum at that point. You'll either know if things can be saved, or if they can't.

flack87 writes:

Also, weight loss is usually easier for males than females. Simply based on hormones and genetic predisposition to store fat certain places to support childbearing.

IF she is in fact interested in losing weight, why don’t you suggest you both look into finding someone who can help her. A weight loss specialist, a health coach, a dietician, even a personal trainer.

I’d also suggest looking into a female coach of any sort. I often feel like a woman coach relates to and understands my struggles and which makes me more comfortable opening up about the process.

And this may be just be my own feelings. But sometimes it’s easier to work with an unobjective 3rd party who holds no personal interest in the matter.

It makes it feel like they are solely there for the reason to help you, whereas it can feel like someone we know may have motives based on what THEY want or what THEY think we should do. Or if things don’t go as planned there’s no emotional tie to “failing” or “disappointing” the helper.

Things that maybe you can do from your side is finding a healthy recipe once a week or so and suggest trying it. With ZERO mention of its “healthy/low carb/keto/whatever it may be.

Prepare it together, or maybe you cook it. But just telling someone to eat better can sound like an attack. Maybe try a lead/show by example, rather than a “you should do what I suggest”.

I’m in a situation where I am trying to lose weight. My fiancé will suggest we try a new recipe and tell me what it is. But he never says “lets make this healthy recipe since you’re trying to lose weight”.

It’s always presented as let’s try this new thing together, with no tie to health or weight loss. Does this make sense? Ask her to go for walks around the neighborhood-not let’s go to the gym together. If you’re overweight or unhealthy a gym can be REALLY intimidating. Especially if you don’t know how to best utilize it.

Think baby steps. Literal baby steps. And it make small and stupid to you, but maybe she needs to start small. Maybe all the suggestions you’re making are making her feel overwhelmed.

Like she has thing mountain of things she needs to add to her daily life. Instead of just thinking about adding one walk, a couple times a week. And I can only imagine having a toddler running around adds a whole new layer of complexity. Take it slow.

florafuan writes:

Yikes. Using a cane at 30? That’s a major quality of life issue. I once dated a man who was about 100 lbs overweight. We dated for about three months, and I knew almost immediately that our lifestyles were not compatible just on a basic level.

The amount of food that he needed to eat, and the way he ate (type of food, frequency, etc.) was just something that I could not be involved with long-term. As well, his inactivity was something that I could not see incorporating into my life long-term.

A lot of commenters seem to be bending over backwards to explain the weight gain as being caused by almost anything other than over eating and lack of activity. Don’t let that kind of thinking guilt you into accepting something that most people would find unacceptable.

Also, you glossed over it, but I don’t see how you could not find yourself unattracted to her physically at this point. Again, referring back to the man I dated who was overweight, I found his body unattractive and not se%y and that was another reason I could not see us being together long term. It is OK to say you do not find someone who is morbidly obese physically attractive. Again, don’t let people make you feel guilty for that.

Last thought, if she had addressed the weight gain much earlier, say when it was maybe under 100 pounds total, she likely could have addressed it with a pretty basic reduction in calories and an increase in activity.

But as it stands now, I’m guessing that her hormones and insulin balance are so out of whack that it will be nearly impossible for her to lose weight without doing something drastic.

Either resetting her insulin regulation through something like intermittent fasting, or resetting her appetite/stomach size through some type of gastric bypass surgery. Barring that, I don’t think she will be able to lose half of her body weight and keep it off long-term. I am sorry that you are going through this.

And now, OP's update:

So I made a post about 5 months ago because I was getting pass the point of no return with my wife’s weight. Now Expectedly I got called an asshole and a dickhead and every other name under the book for evening mentioning it.

But I also got some real good feedback and decided before I made any real decision I would sit her down and let her know how I was truly feeling. Because at that point we had, had multiple conversations addressing it but none of them lead anywhere.

So After we put my son to sleep I asked my wife If we could talk for a moment in the kitchen. Now i’m not gonna lie the conversation was probably the hardest one i’ve ever had.

Because despite what everyone believed I do love my wife. Now I don’t want to get into every detail but the basis of the conversation was that I needed her to at least try and be healthier. I also think she needed to hear how serious I was about this and when I told her I was even thinking about separating I think it really put the nail in the coffin.

It’s been about 5 months since then and i’m proud to say my wife has lost 35 fg lbs. I am so proud of her it’s fg ridiculous. The first month was a fg hurdle and a half but now she’s going steady and losing weight at a healthy moderate rate.

Recently she even started to exercise with me. In the morning I usually jog, but since her knees are somewhat shot 3 days a week we go walk a mile or two, together and either talk or just listen to music together. I know it sounds corny to say but she even seems happier and her confidence is coming back as well.

Well this was my little update and I wanted to finish it with thanking anyone who actually gave me advice on my first post.