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Man cuts off parents after they plan to leave everything to his 'disabled' brother, 'he's not disabled.' AITA? UPDATED

Man cuts off parents after they plan to leave everything to his 'disabled' brother, 'he's not disabled.' AITA? UPDATED

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"AITA for cutting off my parents because they plan on leaving almost everything to my disabled brother?"

My (24f) brother (32m) is a failure to launch. He’s never been very smart. He did badly in school, and never went to college. He tried two different trade schools, welding and mechanic, but he basically flunked out of both. He works at a gas station now.

My brother and I are our parent’s only children. They always treated us relatively equal, until adulthood. They always insisted we earn our own way, they refused to pay for college or anything.

I joined the military at 17, got an associates degree while I was in, and my GI bill went towards my bachelors. I’m working towards my masters now. My husband and I have bought a house and have done well for ourselves.

My parents however fully paid for my brother to try trade school twice. They’ve given him cash when he was behind on rent, and countless "loans." They support him cosplaying as an adult, meanwhile they never paid for my wedding, education, nothing. I don’t really care so much that they didn’t give me money, but the disparity in how they’ve treated me vs my brother.

Our parents are in their sixties now, and while they aren’t that old, they’re both in bad health and probably won’t live another ten years. They just recently started working on their will, and notified us that they were leaving almost everything to my brother. But they want me to be their medical power of attorney, manage their estate, etc.

I told my parents to give my brother everything, and that I’m completely done with them. They told me to have some grace, and understand the fact that he isnt very capable and needs their support, even after they’re gone.

My mother had a doctor's appointment this morning, and asked me for a ride since she medically can’t work. I told her to ask her favorite child or pay for an Uber. Things have been tense and hostile.

My brother called me to apologize, and asked me to not be mad at him, but I told him that I’m not mad at him, I’m mad at our parents for not treating us equally, and he didn’t do anything wrong. AITA?

EDIT:

I meant to put disabled in quotation marks. My mother refers to my brother as disabled even though he isn’t. She’s had him tested for every kind of learning disability there is. He just has a below average IQ. She thinks that counts as a disability when it isn’t.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

snowfleece said:

Sounds like he actually is functionally disabled. Not all disabilities are obvious. I have some siblings like this. Well, one actually has a genius IQ but he's a savant and functionally useless.

My parents want me to help manage things for them when they are gone. I don't want to. I don't care about the money. But I don't want to manage my siblings either (I was the scapegoat in the family of an abusive narcissist mother).

There are different trusts your parents can set up and they can name a 3rd party professional trustee. If they do expect you to manage it, and you even wanted to then you would need to be compensated for that. But if you don't, then tell them to work out a trust and a plan with a lawyer and leave you out of it.

FitOrFat-1999 said:

They want you to take care of him for the rest of his life? F that. If he's "not very smart" they can set up a trust to dole out the money as they see fit, but why should you have anything to do with it?

I can’t tell if he's truly disabled in some way or if your parents have enabled him to his current level of weakness, but he is NOT your responsibility. What your parents want is for you to do all the work for no benefit. Just no. NTA.

AffectionateCable793 said:

NTA. They want to saddle you with all the responsibilities but no reward of any kind. Yeah, leave them to your brother.

No_Middle_3193 said:

NTA but if they plan to leave him everything make it 100% clear to your parents that he will get nothing from you. If he blows through their money in one year he cannot come knocking on your door. They could have made you executor to their full estate but then you would be responsible for your brother for the rest of his life.

tiny-pest said:

Nta. But it sounds like your brother is going to end up homeless. If he isn't able to work through the things mentally needed them just handing him money is setting him up to fail...they should be taking him to doctors. Seeing about therapy or programs that give him the skills. Rules. Structure to set him up to be able to live and survive on his own.

While you are done with your parents, which is fine unless they are setting someone up to deal with the finical parts of his life, then if you care for him, you need to speak up. Tell them they need to be getting him the help needed.

Doctors saying what's wrong. And whatever they need to to help him succeed after they are gone. If they are not willing to step up and help him once they are gone, either you will be the one he rely on, or he ends up on the streets and possibly dead.

sheldoor- said:

NTA. Like I tell my kids, you are allowed to make your own choices (leaving everything to your brother), but you have to deal with the consequences of those choices (being cut off). They are playing stupid games and winning stupid prizes, also good on you for realizing it's not your brother's fault!

LilyGoldenlark said:

NTA. Sounds like you’ve been living on hard mode while your brother’s been playing a casual game with parental cheat codes! It’s cool you want to stand up for fair treatment, but maybe stepping away is the healthiest move for your own peace. You’ve got your own life sorted, and it’s okay to want to keep it drama-free.

UPDATE:

Hey. So the consensus on my post was a bit of a mixed bag. I sat down with my parents and I wanted to give an update and answer some stuff. My brother is not actually disabled. He just has a low IQ, just over 80. You need an IQ under 70 where I live to be considered disabled and to qualify for any sort of benefits.

My parents have babied him because from a young age he wasn’t as smart as other kids, and had a low self esteem because of that, and was quick to give up on things when they seemed too hard. He does ok on his own now. He works and pays his bills most of the time. He drives and lives with a roommate.

On to the update, I sat down with my parents and explained that I’ve always felt like they treated me worse than my brother. They always emphasized to me that as an adult you need to support yourself, and figure things out on your own. I had to join the military at 17 because I knew they’d kick me out when I was 18.

My parents never offered me any support outside of raising me as a child. They didn’t buy my husband and I a wedding gift, they didn’t offer much of anything. Meanwhile they brag about having over a million dollars in the bank, and having succeeded from nothing.

Meanwhile they paid to put my brother through two trade schools that he failed out of, offered him money to start his own business. They’ve always bailed him out when he was short on rent.

For me it’s not so much about the money, but about the disparity in how we’ve been treated. It’s obvious that they loved and cared him him more, because they were willing to do these things for him, and not me.

But despite them not being there for me, I’ve still done really well in life. I told my parents about all of this, and they were interrupting me and talking over me the whole time. They told me I’m not entitled a to dime when they die, and that I’m an adult and I can handle myself.

They just weren’t understanding or even caring about my point. They told me I need to step up and treat them better, and that it’s wrong of me to not take my sick mother to the doctor or take care of her because of money.

Eventually I just gave up on trying to talk about my feelings. They just don’t care. I told them that they’re adults, and they’re not entitled to anything from me. Just like how they were never required to help me, I’m not required to help me.

I told them to complete remove me from their will, I’m not willing to be their estate executor, medical power of attorney, nothing. I don’t want a dime from them at this point, and I suggested they spend all the money they’ve saved over the years to pay for really good nursing homes, and an estate executor, because I’m no longer willing to do anything for them.

My mother was floored, and asked if I’d really put my own parents in a nursing home. I asked if they’d really let their 17 year old daughter join the army to get harassed by older men in order to go to school without taking on a huge debt.

My parents cried and yelled at me. And I left. And that’s that I guess. I kind of feel relieved, like a massive weight is off my shoulders. I have a wonderful husband, we own a nice home. I’m getting ready to start working on my masters degree, and we’re thinking about maybe having a baby soon.

I no longer have to worry about dealing with my parents. They’re adults and they can deal with their own problems, just like I’ve done with mine. And yeah, that’s it. Not sure if it’s the update we wanted, but it is what it is.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:

LimeInternational856 said:

NTA I like how they told you that you're an adult and not entitled to their help and you threw those words right back in their faces.

HamRadio_73 said:

NTA. Enjoy your best life.

Trailsya said:

NTA. They cried when you told them you were going to treat them just the way they treated you. That's how mean they've been too you. You made the right choice. If they can dump a vulnerable 17 year old girl on the army, then they have no claims on your time and help.

Yaadiefinancepro said:

NTA. It’s clear your parents made their priorities known, and you’ve made yours. Setting boundaries is healthy, especially when the relationship feels so one-sided. You’ve chosen to prioritize your own well-being and future.

aquavenatus said:

NTA. Be ready for when you and your husband do have your first child and your parents realize that their son will never give them grandchildren!

Chocolatecandybar_ said:

Tbh, it didn't even need a will to reach this conclusion. Parents who have the means and don't gift anything for your wedding are just unnecessarily rude and deserve it back. Good choice and fingers crossed for karma to give it all back to you.

EmploymentOk1421 said:

NTA. I applaud you for being able to succinctly explain to your folks how their life choices have impacted you and that it seems reasonable that you would be able to make the same decisions.

It certainly sounds like they expected that you would carry the burden of parent care- in whatever form- as they age or become infirm. Telling them you are opting out now allows them to be realistic about their future.

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