Man tries to help daughter lose weight; wife says, 'She's a CHILD. This is damaging.' AITA? UPDATED

"AITA for trying to help my daughter lose weight? + UPDATE"

I'm a 34 year old (m) and I have a 12 year old daughter we call Susan. She's a wonderful child. When I met her mom, I did my very best to know Susan cause her dad isn't in the picture and has no desire to be. I officially adopted her the day of our wedding and surprised her with so she knew I was now her dad and she was my daughter.

Susan is normally an active kid but since covid and now summer break, I have noticed she will stay on the couch all day watching tv, play video games or just do much of nothing. Cause of this she is gaining very noticeable weight.

I spoke to my wife about it but she says Susan is fine and its summer so its ok if she wants to watch tv and eat junk food. I get that but I don't want Susan to develop an unhealthy habit. So I created the father daughter walk to get her moving a bit. We talk about the day, whats going on, things we would like to do and so on for 30 minutes.

Slowly I turned the walk into a jog then a run. Susan struggled some at first but now she can keep up with me. I love it since she is getting a bit of workout everyday and I get to spend time with her. Well my wife isn't happy. She confronted me saying I was fat shaming our daughter and forcing her to exercise when she's a kid! Kids are suppose to watch tv and eat junk food!

She's telling Susan she doesn't have to come for a run with me, buys large amounts of Susan's favorite snacks and is encouraging her to binge watch tv and "just be a kid."

She says I'm trying to push lifestyle habits onto my daughter and I'm embarrassed of her! Its led to a couple arguments and now she's saying she might send Susan to go stay with her grandparents for the rest of the summer. I'm just trying to help her become more active. AITA?

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

lunsrlaex writes:

NTA. As an anorexia nervousa patient myself, whenever I see titles like this I'm a little bit scared that I'm gonna read about the parents I've heard about in ed circles / support groups. This was not the case here

What you're doing is fairly benign. You're simply getting her moving, and helping her be more active. And, from your comments here, she likes it. It sounds like you're not forcing her to do anything, you're offering a healthy bonding routine that just so happens to be physically active

Your wife, however, is a different story. Sure, let the kid eat cake sometimes, but just like adults kids need a balanced diet. Calories and macros still count, even on summer break.

I really don't like that she's intentionally keeping her from eating healthy food. As a parent it is her responsibility to limit her daughters intake of unhealthy foods, and she's failing at that in a really bizarre way.

toamto writes:

NTA. You didn’t actually say anything about her weight to Susan, there’s a difference between fat shaming and being concerned about your daughters weight for health reasons.

(Coming from someone whose currently on the road to losing weight, 240lbs at 5 feet tall and 18 years old) one mistake my dad made was by fat shaming me, and things like that and I ended up turning to food for comfort which made it worse in all actuality lol.

So just continue to treat it like it’s a fun daddy daughter activity. Also, losing weight isn’t just from excercise it’s about eating healthy too. She’s a kid so sure sweets and savory things are good from time to time as well, but just try to have healthy dinners and breakfast etc.

faletahu writes:

NTA, gently and affectionately encouraging is not forcing/ fat shaming. With all due respect, “My wife is a bit heavy” might be a key factor here.

Obviously I don’t know your wife as a person, and could be totally wrong, but I’d at least consider the possibility that she may be (consciously or subconsciously) projecting what you’re doing with your daughter onto herself and feels personally insulted as a heavy person, as if you’re “fat shaming” her.

The fact that you’re her partner and therefore the one person whose attraction and desire she cares about would only exacerbate these feelings. This is just my 2 cents, and I apologize if it was a bit bold or inappropriate of me.

agharetyour writes:

While I agree that exercise is good, and that you are not an asshole for encouraging her to get out, I'm going with YTA bc you only thought about it in reference to her size. You didn't care about it until she started to gain weight.

I would encourage you to keep exercising with her, but keep why you started out of it. You are ashamed of her weight gain and she will see it if you don't temper your fat bias carefully.

greipa8 writes:

I'm not going to lie I was going to say YTA going by the heading but you're absolutely not TA at all. I think what you're doing is a very healthy way of going about things - teaching her that it's just a normal active lifestyle.

I sure do wish I had someone like you to teach me the same thing when I was 12 insteadof learning things the very hard way when I was older. You're completely right 12 is an age you've got to be careful with with the whole subject of weight etc so I think you're doing a wonderful job by making it about a lifestyle rather than diets etc.

As for her mum do you think she's slightly jealous of your one on one time and how close you've become? Maybe she still likes her daughter to be reliant on her and snacks and no encouragement is her way of doing so?

aghfdasuy writes:

soft nah but leaning yta. susan is 12 and around that age is when everyone starts puberty. for girls specifically, there is a ton of pressure to have a completely flat stomach and weigh 120 lbs (52 kg) and under.

this is also the age where some people get eating disorders because they want to look a certain way at school/in life to fit in. now your wife is also right bc she wants her daughter to enjoy being a kid and not act/dress like an adult. theres a LOT of prepubescent and preteens who are dressing like they are 28. let her be a kid

vouchaaa writes:

NTA. I'm a teacher, and I had one student who was clinically obese at 6 years old. She couldn't keep up with her friends. She couldn't really fit into the desk chair. I even noticed that she was developing joint problems in her ankles already. It was really sad. When we were online, I noticed that she was constantly eating at home, with no one telling her to slow down.

I remember one time in person, she came to school and threw up. I told her mom and she just said, "Yeah she ate way too much candy last night. I told her to stop, so she didn't get sick, but she didn't listen." I felt so bad for that kid.

She was being set up for health issues for the rest of her life because her family didn't step in and help her make better habits. I agree that kids shouldn't have to worry about weight and all that, but kids are also not capable of making good decisions about their health.

They needs adults to help them, and you're doing a great job. I do feel compassion for your wife though. My guess is that she's reacting out of her own negative experience from diet culture, but that's just my thought.

Update 1:

For those who are saying she's not my daughter, I adopted Susan.

I kept it a secret till her mom and I exchanged vows then we called her up so we could tell her. Susan is my daughter and will be till the day I die.

I don't force her to come with me. One day I said "hey want to go for a walk with me?" Things moved from there and now Susan can run circles around. She'll even call me an old man if I don't keep up.

My wife was welcomed to come. At first she was then said she liked having us out the house so she could relax and have a break. Thats fine. If Susan says "Dad, I don't feel like going today." I don't force it. I just go by myself. I have never mentioned her weight or food to her cause she's 12. Things are hard enough.

Before Covid, she would be outside all day on her bike, playing with friends, skating, and more till we finally call her inside. I just wanted her to be active again since I noticed how much more she would just stay in front of the tv, computer, and do nothing.

Never do I say or mention her weight and I do love getting to spend time with her. We talk about her day, friends, plans for the future, what she would do with a million dollars and etc.

I honestly don't know where my wife is getting the idea I am forcing Susan or shaming her. Yes its normal for kids to want sweets and watch tv but its also normal for them to play and exercise.

I just don't want Susan to sit in one spot all summer. With the new strain of Covid, we don't even know if she'll be going back to school. My wife is a bit heavy and again she's welcomed to come with us but always declines.

I'm going to talk to my wife once she calms down and try to approach things gently. I would love for us to all spend some time together as a family. I didn't marry her for her looks, I married her cause I love her and I love Susan.

I'm going to suggest walks in the park, around the neighborhood or if she doesn't feel up to that, maybe turning on a video and working out in the living room together. I don't want Susan growing up a body imagine. Possible my wife did and just hasn't told me about it. Even among spouses, there are things you don't feel comfortable talking about.

I hope everyone on this post has a great day. And say to yourself "Would you like to go for a walk today?" Go for a walk, enjoy sun, nature, and your community. Take a friend, the dog, a cat, a family member or just bring your headphones.

You are never too old or too young to start a good healthy habit. Even if you just walk for 15 minutes, please know that I am proud of you and we can always do more tomorrow. You're doing a great job.

Good people of Reddit, I must go for now. I hope all of you know that I am proud of you. Sometimes in life that is all you need to hear. I learned that people don't always say whats on their mind or what they are going through. We don't always know every detail of their backstory.

That is ok. Just continue to encourage them, be proud of them and tell they you are doing a great job! Be someone's dad or be your own dad! Just so long as you do your best. I am proud of you all both young and old. I will always be proud and I know you will accomplish much.

First of all I wanted to thank everyone for their support. I hope you all took that walk. Anyway we did end up sending Susan to her grandparents but only for two weeks. During that time my wife and I got to really talk and air out our feelings. My wife told me that as a child, she was a very large.

Nearly morbidity obese by the time she was 14 and her parents gave her a terrible time about this. Forced her to diet, would lock her out the house to force her to exercise, tell her PE teacher to make her run extra laps and locked up food so she couldn't eat. It is something she doesn't like to talk about.

I had no idea this had happened to her. She was in tears and explained that she thought I might do the same things to Susan. I know my wife is big but again I didn't marry her for her looks.

I married her cause I love her. She's a wonderful wife and mother. Like all of us, she just let her insecurities get the better of her. This is why she freaked out when I started getting Susan to go running with me.

Anyway after our talk, we agreed that we can do all of this as a family. I bought some bikes for us, downloaded family exercise videos, family meal time, healthy shopping together and now she is joining us on our runs. Don't worry, Susan and I slow it down to a jog so she can keep up.

I just wish she had opened up sooner about this. At least it is out in the open now. A lot of people in the comments said I sounded like the perfect dad for what I did with Susan. I'm not perfect. I just know what its like to not have a father. My dad decided when I was 2 that he didn't want to be a dad anymore.

He packed up and left in the middle of the night leaving just me and mom. Never heard from him again. He didn't call, write, or even send child support. I have no idea where he is now and I don't care to know. My mom worked two jobs to support us, we moved six times and it was tough.

I had plenty of men in my life as role models but at the end of the day, I didn't have a dad. I told myself that if I got to be a dad, I would be the dad I would want. Be the dad I wished my dad had been to me. I see a lot of myself in Susan. That is why I want her to know that no matter what I love her.

That is why I adopted her, that is why I don't call her my step daughter cause she's my daughter. She is my little girl and I want her to know that she is always loved and can come to be about anything. Kids have it hard enough these days. I want her to know that when things get hard, we can go for a walk and just talk about it.

I have enjoyed my time on Reddit. You are all good people and I hope you'll take time out for a walk sometimes. Feel free to message me if you want to talk. Goodbye and take care.