Man decides; 'I can't make decisions for my wife anymore.' AITA?
"AITA if I refuse to make choices for my wife?"
My wife 30F is very dependant on me 32M to make choices for her ranging from little daily things like where to take the car to be washed or what to eat all the way up to her career or finances.
she is well educated and pretty socially confident and shouldn't need me to choose anything for her as she can and does make choices for her own enjoyment, hobbies when to go out with friends etc just not anything related to her car, career or finances
The downside is right now if I don't choose she won't or can't and I'm told "you know best" "you understand it better" or "you know more than me" or "you know how to sort that"
most of the time i don't and when I don't choose or don't know nothing is done and there has been times when there's been consequences that I've been forced to deal with on her behalf, if I also choose wrong or what I've said doesn't work out I get the full blame.
We've talked and argued about her being independent and taking on her own choices but she wont or cant change and seems happy as things are. AITA if I just stop making choices and let my wife deal with her own actions/inactions.
Let's see what readers had to say:
veagr3tup writes:
NAH. 2 options, I'm not a doctor but ADHD and paralysis is a thing(unable to make decisions) and she may need professional and medicated help to overcome it or...
Have you considered she is a more submissive personality and is referring to you. Not that she can't make a decision, but that she wants you to make it for her as a power dynamic type relationship (BDSM).
Now it doesn't have to stray into the kinky and leather and all that. But this is a relationship style, power dynamics or TPE(total power exchange) where she gives up her choices to you as it's something she wants.
Her not making a decision or delaying, arguing about it is a symptom or a frustration as she's either not recognised in herself it or she doesn't want to talk about it, but just have you "take control".
If it's not something you want to deal with and continuously make those decisions, set out "rules" in a document like "the car gets washed every 2 weeks at X gas station, wife is responsible for this" and a dinner rota like "Mondays is spaghetti Bolognese, tuesdays is a roast chicken...
Wednesday is a noodle salad..." And start out as a 1 week rota, but add the meals you like and as you do it becomes a 2 week and eventually a month long rotation of meals where she has to follow the list as a responsibility you've set out for her, the decision is made, this is what you want her to make...
And you can always stray from the list and cook something on the fly, change it up, but if it's there to follow she has a default.
These things while you are initially managing them and writing them out, it eventually leads to you not getting involved in the day to day minutiae as it's already been talked about and decided. You can be frustrated once, but then she's taking over following it.
As for career and those bigger choices, these are always a discussion between partners as it affects everyone, the whole household and future planning. She should make the decision herself, but you're also going to be part of the discussion. You can engage by asking questions like "do you enjoy what you do now?"
"Do you think going for a different position will make you happier or what do you value about the prospect of another position" have her answer these things for herself.. monetarily promotion and changing jobs is always a good thing earning more...
that's a given so focus on what's after the money, but putting the questions to her about what she foresees as benefits and drawbacks for herself "you'll earn more money, but is the extra workload and stress worth it to you, will it ultimately make you happier?"
Communication is key, whatever her reasons for seeking you to take all decisions should be figured out as a root cause and if that can be managed or she can be helped in any way(either by professions or systems like a document with rules).
Figure out how to communicate and resolve her issues around decision making and you won't have problems going forward.
No assholes here, I don't think the wife is doing this intentionally and OP has valid feelings for being frustrated. But it is solvable.
almaluna writes:
NTA. Doesn't matter SHE is happy, you clearly aren't.
I think you two need to sit down together and talk about the things that need doing where if it doesn't get done or it gets postponed or a "wrong" choice is made, it affects you both.
Things like paying for your housing and utilities, car payments for vehicles you both use, stuff like that, affects you BOTH. If you are happy to take on the responsibility of making those payments etc, then do it because you know it will be done it time.
But things that only affect you or her should be done by the person themselves. No way should she demand you make career choices for her, or inconsequential decisions she just can't be bothered to make.
Maybe she needs to go on a kind of course or therapy for self confidence, to deal with procrastination or indecisiveness.
And craft a reply to her you can repeat ad nauseam: "No, I already told you I don't want to be forced to make these kinds of decisions for you. Figure this out by yourself or ask your friends or family for help." and then repeat repeat repeat.
rimeay6 writes:
NTA. My wife does this! She will state that she wants a takeaway. When I ask her what she wants she says she doesn’t know. She asks me what I want, and I usually say “I’m easy going you have what you want”.
Somehow this decision then becomes too much for her and she will start an argument that I’m not contributing.
Also if anything at all needs researching. I have to do it. I had to figure out most of the wedding stuff, the pregnancy stuff, the baby stuff.
Again she is very educated (works in law) but when it comes to her personal life, if it’s something she hasn’t done before, she will simply state that she can’t do it and therefore I have to figure it out.