Man declares, 'Opening up my marriage was the biggest mistake of my LIFE.' AITA? MAJOR UPDATE.
When this man rues the day he ever opened his marriage, he asks Reddit:
"Open marriage? sure, biggest mistake of my fg life! AITA?"
Beautiful family, children, married, good money, decent home and possessions. Dirty talk turns to actually attempting being nonmonogamous. Which is apparently all the rage today, I get it.
I will admit it turns me on regardless of who is doing what and when. After a few adventures on both sides without the other one things have shifted. Fun at first, exciting even. But let me just express how easy it is for a woman to find random casual partners than it is for a man.
Even a good looking charismatic man like myself. I know women like bad boys and assholes but I've never been capable. Regardless, the excitement has all but faded entirely. I fg hate it here, I sit in silence alone after work watching her in her phone endlessly. it hasnt effected her ability to parent at all, shes not a bad person.
I truely believe that, But Im at my wits end, I dont want to be drawing breath at this point let alone be in an open marriage. nobody else understands because I dont know anybody in a similiar situation. everybody else just says how cool it is.
But i sit there praying for a random interaction so i can feel better about myself and not dwell so much on the idea that she really doesnt fg need me how do I cope?! really not fun anymore, there are so many things that are worse to complain about. This fg rant has done nothing to express how lost I am.
I already am fighting just holding down the fg backspace and lying my empty shell in bed again like nothing has changed. Ive never been the suicidal type I thought. I find myself thinking about dying more and more.
She said something earlier today that our marriage is just gonna stay open... idk what to do. this probably doesnt even fg belong on this reddit and Im sorry to anybody who read this entire thing for something juicy, but I just needed a place to express my emptiness I suppose. thanks for reading I guess.
Before we give you OP's major update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
nocturnalfuzz writes:
I've had friends try open relationships and I've yet to see it work. Typically the 'excitement' leaves for one but not the other, and the other likes the casual open sex so much they're not willing to close the relationship.
Then it has a weird power dynamic. Because for one partner it just starts to feel like you're being cheated on but you talked yourself into a corner so if you complain you look like the asshole.
Some others have good advice in the comments, I hope you try some of them out. I have nothing of value, I've seen every single open relationship fall apart within about a year or three. Only taught me it's not something worth trying.
insnaeop writes:
Hot take: There's a difference between an open marriage and just staying with you because it's convenient and doing anything she wants without regards to your feelings. In an open marriage your partner still comes before all else.
She should take you into consideration before all else. Even if it is "open" shes still your wife. Sure you sleep around, fine and dandy. But the concept is you seek sexual gratification from elsewhere but a deep connection and emotional gratification from your marriage partner still.
Sounds like she's using you buddy and it sounds like a pretty difficult situation. Id suggest having a serious talk with her. Pour your heart out and express how you feel and don't put up with that bs "it's not that easy" cop out. She's still your wife. She's the mother of your children.
atend writes:
I get it. I had a fiance who begged, pleaded, pouted, whined, argued and full-on screamed that he felt that monogamy was controlling, abusive and unnatural. He insisted that an open relationship was what he wanted.
We had this fight every, damn day for 6 months. I finally agreed under the conditions that we both had to be honest about who and exactly what we did and we were both equally free to pursue whoever we wanted.
It did not go like he planned. I was bringing home new people every couple of days. I'm bisexual and frequently brought home one, two or three other women at a time. He had exactly zero takers.
Eventually, he asked me and a couple of girls if he could join. They gave a resounding no. He came to realize that being free to f, didn't mean anyone would ever want to f him. He started to get angry and revoked our agreement.
This was the result I had been smugly waiting for and went along with going back to being exclusive, acting genuinely surprised by his upset.
A few weeks later, I found out that he'd cheated on me with his ex several times during the first two years of our relationship, BEFORE our agreement to try being open and the affair only stopped because she moved out of state.
I wanted to leave but we were stuck on a lease together, so I told him that we were done and I was going to continue fucking whoever I wanted. He was pissed and absolutely insisted that I was leaving because I enjoyed being a slut and not because of his secrets, lies and betrayals.
The whole thing circled around to bite him in the ass and he just couldn't handle it. I've been happily married and monogamus for many years now. I have no intention of living that life again but boy was it fun, turning his bullshit against him and forcing him to face the reality of his desirability or lack thereof.
mutinreed writes:
Gay guy here, kinda common in our community to be open, what I've learned is that open relationships are different for everybody, no one can tell you how to set it up because your relationship, and your needs are unique.
The most important thing about an open relationship are boundaries, everyone needs to be able to express and set what shouldnt happen. I believe her consistent engagement might be too emotionally attached?
Most open relationships restrict it to just sex, but if shes having full blown relationships with these people and you're suffering from it than that is a boundary that needs to be set.
But considering she's getting more out of these relationships than your actual relationship I wonder if she's just with you out of contract (kids, marriage) and her hearts not in it anymore? That's something I would bring up first. Does she even love you anymore?
And if she can have you at the center of this open relationship than I'm sure it can work but it takes communication and respect for boundaries and such. Good luck, I hope it all turns out okay.
outlandishok writes:
Intimacy whether physical or emotional is not something worthless to dole our randomly for momentary gratification... often there is dire consequences to one's own mental well being. You opened pandora's box.
It's not necessarily easier for women. My husband wanted the same as your wife. While it was tempting, in my heart of hearts I just instinctively knew engaging in these choices would open a door that should remain closed.
We are now divorced as our "wants/needs" grew to be polar opposite. In hindsight, I am glad that door never opened as I think in the end, it would have crushed my spirit.
Falling into the abyss ... emptiness, darkness, hollowness, lonliness, meaninglessness, is a terrible and painful place to be. Suggest a therapist first (quietly and off the grid for yourself) and then a very frank and honest conversation with your wife.
I do not envy you ... the exploration and change that is inevitable will be painful but I wish for you that something of beauty grows out of the ashes.
OP then provides this major update:
Sorry for anybody who has been waiting on an update. We are closer than we have ever been, she had some closeted jealousy that was making her a bit stand offish toward me and really did come down to small thoughts and feelings not being expressed and shared.
We've come to realize we can't learn or change anything we're doing if every little thing isn't on the table. We discussed that every feeling isn't an attack on the other person and sometimes our emotions get the best of us. We are still at it, even swinging with other couples when we can find an interested party.
It came down to almost masquerading by the both of us in an effort to not spoil the "fun" but after a lot of talking to understand how each other feels and what we're thinking things have come full turn. Thanks for everyone who cared, or who was interested in reading.
Also, like her opportunities were damn near instant. And always available lmao, but I no longer find gratification I'm the sexual interactions with randoms. The "workload" if you will poses no reward for me any longer.
All the chatting and questions and planning, no longer do anything for me. I should have spent more time in the OP hitting these points, the assumptions are fair generally speaking.
We did, months of talking and discussion. What we felt was ok and not ok. But they all seemed to fall away as time when on, starting with something small like not coming home before a certain time, little shit.
Then it's like you become almost carefree, like we fd up almost this bad this rule break isnt too much worse, then shit rolled down hill. I'm aware that I am fully at fault her as much as she is. I didn't mean to blame her I just needed to let go of that empty feeling somewhere. We will figure it out thank you so much!
I figured out she was also into women. And she never got to explore because her parents were against it. I told her I was fully open for her to explore her curiosity for women.
Then it fell into a discussion about it being unfair because I had no expectations or wants for others in general I guess. Because initially, I genuinely didnt want to be responsible for trapping her and then finding out 15 years later she was queer and never had the opportunity to discover herself.
So the Open thing was just brought up in conversation, and after discussion it was decided we could try the open thing. Im pretty open minded and do my best to understand others circumstance. Then things basically spiraled. many people are hitting it on the head though, pandoras box.
Plus we both whole heartedly expressed our devotion to one another before this ever came to fruition. I didnt explain enough for some but, we have been best friends as long as we have been partners.
And we talk, we discussed everything before we even tried. Even acknowledged that it will be a difficult thing to try with new emotions and obstacles. I just feel things slipping, and the whole "open for good" is warping my mind.
Somehow its gotten to where "its not that simple" not my words. Its too difficult, everyone knows and all these people are expecting this and expecting that, what am I suppose to tell them.
She gets more from their virtual stimulation and affection than she does my actual affection. Let me also express that we have been together 12 years, since we were 15.
She has been everything for as long as I can remember but Im being replaced by a keyboard, and interactions from Randos with no expectations other than physical. Ive thought about it all, my appearance is not that of a slouch. Its not money, Its not lack of affection, I shower her.
shave her legs, cook, wash her hair, massages the whole nine. She said a few times, compliments mean more from strangers because "they dont HAVE to say what they say" they take the time out of their day for a stranger lmao.
which is kind of valid, because random compliments are euphoric almost. Im going to ride it out man, I just feel hollow and needed to release that. IDK. AITA?