Man discovers he's technically the affair partner, 'WIBTA to cancel my wedding?'

"WIBTA for cancelling my wedding with my fiancé after I found out I was the affair partner?"

Hi, I'm (29m) and my fiancée is (28f), we have been dating for 3 years and set out to get married in late October which is less than a month now, I met my fiancé through my female friend, my fiancée is her sister, we used to work at same company and even after I left we still stayed good friends, I would often visit her so would she and that's how I met my fiancée.

My fiancée and I started off with going out alone and after months we started dating, she was the one who asked me out first, she was the one who expressed her love to me and after a month of thinking I started dating her and she also asked me to get married, which was a surprise to me and a bummer. I wanted to propose to her and that ruined my plan but that's okay.

Anyway a week ago, she got an invitation to one of her friend's wedding and she was very thrilled and asked me to join her. So I went with her, but turns out my fiancée's ex was also invited (I didn't know who that is or even knew that she was in a relationship).

My fiance was very uncomfortable, she always kept me close to her, I met all her friends and talked to them alot even tho it was the first time, I had a brief conversation with her ex, again I didn't know.

But yesterday I got a call from unknown number and when I picked up it was him and introduced himself and he asked me if we can meet, I was okay with it, so we met at bar and he started asking me questions right away as to when or how I met my fiancée and how long has our relationship going on etc.

After answering a few questions I got uncomfortable and asked him why he asking me personal questions. He then told me that he is my fiance's ex boyfriend and he found her texts with me. It was nothing explicit just a lot of talk and going for dinner and when he confronted her, she said she has fallen in love with me and wants to date me and broke up with him...

He said that he is still in very much in love with her and since my first name match, he just wanted a final closure and move on and he started crying. I couldn't see him cry and I asked him to let's go outside to smoke and I hugged him and said I'm sorry. I didn't know anything about this and if I had known I would never have even went out for casual dinner with her.

He said that it's not my fault, I told him to cry on me as much as he wants and if it helps drink as much as he wants, I will make sure that you get home safe and drinks are on me. He drank like crazy and I dropped him to the address he mentioned which was at his mom's place. The bill was too much, but that's the least I could do for him.

Today I asked my soon to be's sister to come over and told both of them everything, they were shocked, my fiancée started crying I asked her if this is all true, she said yes. I asked my friend if she knew she said yes, I was very angry, I asked my fiancée why would she cheat? Just leave him if you didn't love him and screamed at her sister for supporting it.

My soon to be said that she didn't cheat, she got attracted to me and we just went out for dinner when she was in a relationship and she didn't know if she really loved me or not. She wanted to break up with him long ago but was waiting to not cause him pain and her love towards him has already started diminishing...

They were already having problems in their relationship, her love towards me started growing stronger. She said that she got attracted to me the moment she met me, she wanted to be with me but she was not sure back then cause we didn't do anything more than just going to dinner and by the time we started dating it was already a few months she broke up with him.

I asked her why would she not tell me, she said that she wasn't sure that I would understand her and she loves me alot and would not lose me at any cost and she didn't want her past failed relationship ruin her current relationship and "lose the man she loved the most."

I didn't ask her any more questions because she was crying and I also feel bad for that guy. He was technically cheated on, even if nothing happened between us at that point and were casual about it. But he's hurt and I do absolutely adore my wife and I love her very very much and don't want to lose her.

But I feel sad and guilty that I will be thriving and he will and has been suffering this whole time, my soon to be wife fell out of love with him and wanted to break up so she didn't technically cheat, but I don't know at this point.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

FSmertz said:

Get married and then wait six months. You’ll be crying on your replacement’s shoulder at the same damn bar.

forever_single_now said:

NTA to cancel. Personally I believe you have been gaslighted. She has not cheated? Really? Let’s get facts back together. She if in a relationship, entertaining another guy (you), not telling the guy and the bf, only confessing to the guy once caught, rushing to confess the love, then rushing wedding AFTER being caught. That is not cheating?

Basically she was not in love with him, but stayed with him while looking for someone else. She did not tell you about him at the wedding, again only did once caught. So now you are the “current” bf. And as they say, once a cheater…soon you will be the one calling nether next dude after finding out.

She is playing the safe route, always having an open option while her fallback dude wrapped in the dark. To top it, the sister is covering her cheating. Nice duo you found. At least you know her sister will not snitch on her when she repeats it.

ConfidentRepublic360 said:

Someday she’ll likely meet another guy that she “loves the most” and cheat with him. Her dishonesty speaks to her basic character.

Top-Astronomer-5125 said:

This won’t be popular but I disagree with the prevailing opinion. She was unmarried and not engaged and meet someone she liked. She then ended things before it got physical. I struggle to see how that is so bad. These are young people learning about life not 45 years old married couples with kids.

PenPoo95 said:

What she did was cheating. If she started entertaining other guys right now and going out on dates with them, would you not consider it cheating on you? That's what she did to her ex.

I hope you don't mind being cheated on, because she WILL cheat on you. You deserve everything that happens to you if you go through with marrying a known manipulative cheater who doesn't accept responsibility for her actions.

WallabyButter said:

She was emotionally cheating with you. She was looking for a new someone before she had even offically left the old someone. It's a special type of cheating. NTA.