Man discovers wife's affair after her sudden death. 'What do I do now?' AITA? HORRIFYING UPDATE
When this man finds incriminating text messages in his late wife's phone, he asks the internet:
"I discovered my wife was having an affair after she died. What now?"
Two months ago my wife of 10 years (I'm 35 she was 34) tragically passed away in a car accident, hit by a drunk driver in broad daylight. I cried non stop for three days, we were planning on having kids and I had started a good paying job a year earlier and we just purchased our first home just two months before her death.
I just couldn't and still can't believe she is really gone from my life, it's like just yesterday everything was heading in the right direction and would soon raise a family. She seemed happy in our marriage and stated how proud of me she was...
The following week after the accident I recieved her phone, which was locked. After a week I found out how to unlock it by an obvious code I didnt think of earlier. I simply just wanted it to keep photos in her memory, photos of us and so forth.
But I saw some odd things in her photos. Included photos of her in someone else's house, a house which I had never seen before, taking provocative images.
I continued scrolling down and seen the most heart wrenching thing I ever seen. Which was her with another man, it was nothing sexual but they were in a place that was obviously his. And just how close they were I just knew that this was an affair.
The guy who my wife had an affair with, showed up at her funeral. I felt like I got stabbed in the gut when I realized I seen him there.
I began reading her texts and first I found out that she was on her way back, from his place. 3 hours before the accident she text him saying "I'm on my way"
I Knew that meant he was the last one to see my wife. Not only see her but having an intimate moment with her, also she would still be here right now if she wasn't seeing him.
I feel like I'm going through a death of a loved one and a break up at the same time. She did this behind my back and will never know that I found out. In a way i feel she got to escape the heartbreak she put me through, although I fully understand death is much worse and even knowing everything I know, I would never ever wish this or any pain upon her.
I found out not only through her texts but her Facebook messages. Something that absolutely enrages me is that she told her closest friend that this guy from work wanted to take her out to dinner, her friend encouraged her to go out with him! It enrages me cause I knew her as well and in person she was always very nice.
But my wife was asking her to get confirmation, had she said "NO you are married do not go out with him!" I honestly feel like she wouldn't have done it. But her best friend was like "oh is he hot? Oh do it!! Go have fun" its just fg enraging.
This happened 6 months ago when she asked her friend about it, a few days later she talked to her friend about how after dinner she went to his place and had sex multiple times.
When I read that I honestly got physically sick. I honestly started going through a breakdown, vomiting in the toilet then crying on the bathroom floor. I just cant imagine that this stuff actually happened, but it did. How could she do this??
But as the days passed and the initial shock began to slowdown, I started piecing things together. The funeral i noticed something a little unusual, which was this best friend of hers, talking to one of her coworkers.
This was a friend from high school and there was no reason she should have known any of her coworkers. But she was infact talking to her coworker who she had the affair with.
Then she came and talked to me, gave me a hug. The guy who my wife was having an affair with, came and shook my hand. Something about that just makes me feel sick. Like I was being humiliated in a moment of grief, there was him and her best friend who knew about her affair. I couldn't help but wonder, did her coworkers also know?
It's been a month and I feel no closer to breaking away from the heartbreak. I miss her, I want her to be alive, if she was I would probably even want to fix our marriage. But shes not here anymore. I still couldn't bring myself to read all of her texts messages with him, there is hundreds and some are sexually explicit.
My blood boils and my heart aches when I open their texts and I get hit with anxiety and an adrenaline rush, palms get sweaty and hands shake. But I feel its important I knew everything. It just breaks my heart this guy did things with my wife, she would'nt do for me.
The thing that blows my mind the most is that there were no warning signs at all, not fucking one. Our marriage was good, she never did anything suspicious, our sex life went on as normal.
Just zero warning signs about it other then the fact she started wearing a little more makeup then usual. Then I blame myself for not catching on, maybe this all could have been prevented, maybe I should have done this or that... I am broken and don't see myself ever being happy again.
Edit: Thanks everyone for all the support, I honestly didn't expect so much response. Every one who wished me well thank you and know that your kind words give me strength.
I have got a response back from her friend, stating that she is deeply sorry for encouraging the behavior and not taking my feelings into account. She never wanted me hurt and yadda yadda... honestly I dont feel any relief from her apologies.
About the phone, I can not bring myself to destroy all the truth. I feel like I must read through the entirety of my wife's texts with this man or i will forever go crazy wondering what did and didn't occur, how often and maybe get some answers on if they were lovers, was it just lust/sex or what did she plan on doing.
Obviously in this state of truma I can not emotionally handle reading their conversations but I decided to keep the phone, to read it all and then toss it and move on.
Also for people telling me to piss on her grave, or saying this is karma please drop it and dont comment. I loved her for over a decade and it's not going away like that, I still love this women even with the disgusting things she has done, she was still my wife, a daughter and an aunt.
She didn't deserve to get hit by some drunk driver and suffer with bleeding her brain that ultimately caused her death. Please go away I do not need this and I am not a sick minded enough man to have those thoughts.
Before we give you OP's update, let's read some of the top responses:
cuington7 writes:
Right now the other man is probably breathing a sigh of relief because she is gone and he believes all the evidence and risk of exposure is too. Turn his world upside down and burn it to the ground. He was your wife's coworker so expose this behavior to his employer/HR dept.
Expose the affair to all family and friends if you are willing to endure what follows. You have the proof, take screenshots and use it to silence those who would attack you. She shouldn't be remembered as a loyal wife. She died on the way from seeing her affair partner after a sexual encounter.
Who knows how far your wife would have gone with this other man had she lived. She could have had this other man's child and tried to pass it off as yours. You lost your wife long before she died.
She gave you and the marriage up as soon as she decided to let this coworker into her personal life and her bed. You can still have a life and start a family with someone else.
Make a facebook post in her memory exposing the lie and post all the proof from her phone/ screenshots. Set yourself free.
txcs writes:
Well, you had no children and she is now gone, so I'm not really sure there is anything for you to do. Since he was not married, the real blame here is on your wife.
Yes, he was wrong to cheat with a married woman, and her friend was wrong to encourage it, but they made no vows with you. Your wife did. Since she died on the way home from seeing him, she actually probably died because of the affair. That's a pretty huge penance for cheating.
I realize it hurts really badly, but take what you can from this and move on. You have learned that no person can be trusted 100 percent like you trusted your wife. In your next relationship(s), trust them, but always keep an eye out.
Always remember what you learned the hard way. Your wife was never the person you believed her to be. And unfortunately, that's a hard lesson to learn.
misternizz writes:
Wow, this is horrible. I'm so glad you confronted the friend. She needed to hear what you had to say.
Your wife might have gone ahead and cheated regardless of her encouragement, you can't say either way, but her friend could have done the right thing, and who knows what would have happened if she had? Would your wife be alive today? You can't know that. Obviously she's no friend of yours.
You can't rage against the heavens on this one-- it is a complete waste of time and a very unproductive way of expatiating your anger against your wife's decision. You loved (still love) the woman who was alive.
Not this version. I totally would pursue at least a discussion with the AP at least one time. You may not like this man, you certainly owe him nothing. However, he very well might have been the last person on the planet to see your wife alive.
I would want to know what he had to say, how he could have justified his actions, and what he felt about your wife. Was she just sex to this guy? Was that all there was to it? I almost hope not. It's a terrible reason to die for.
Obviously therapy is a right choice. If I were you, I would want to write this down. AND I MEAN ALL OF IT. How you felt about your wife. What you built together, your plans. The grief, the anguish.
The double anguish of finding out about adultery. I would add her friend's comments and what this man has to say. It's very therapeutic to journal as much as you can.
This is something you can keep to yourself, if you like. Or you can tell people. What she did, she did. There is no such thing as "tarnishing a memory" if you are simply telling the truth.
Your are not the first person to discover infidelity after your partner is gone and how you deal with it is up to you. I certainly wouldn't seek out her friend's advice on anything about this. She demonstrated her values already.
Lastly, you have my sympathy and empathy for your loss. There are no words that will help, just time. I'm so sorry.
msdemonism writes:
My ex had an affair with someone. I used to work with him. The mistress as well worked for same company. I knew all of the same people. And they all looked at me and they all said nothing to me.
I knew someone who knew and he looked at me and said "is you and
good?" In a awkward and creepy tone. It was so weird and I said "Him and I are always good. Why? What do you mean?"
And he shrugged it off. Hindsight I see now. There was no warning. No heads up. It was the biggest betryal. People acted like nothing, but whispers and subtle signs.
It helps when I read stories like yours to know I am not alone in this type of betrayal. I'm sorry that there is this double death, death of the relationship and also of life itself. To be carrying all this grief and anger in the body, that will take time and being gentle and proactive on soothing the self. I can only but just imagine the pain your body is carrying. But there will be love again. After this great pain.
I do have this loving partner now who never gave up on me while I was possesed by this pain. I pushed him away cause of this pain I carried. But I am okay. And now there is there is so much love.
I'm just so sorry for you and please hold on. Hold on tight. I hope creator wraps you in his arms and cradles you and you are able to feel an ounce of peace and love in your heart.
unrest writes:
Hello, I read your story A few days ago and wanted to comment but forgot my login info. I want to say my deepest condolences to you.
Suffering the death of a loved one is hard enough but to find out after their death they were cheating on you while you thought you had a strong and loving relationship is like a double trauma.
I would strongly suggest counselling as that helped me when I found out my husband was cheating. And while I feel like I hate him, When he says he wishes he was dead or would disappear, I would never want him to die either.
I know you won’t ever be able to talk to your wife about her cheating or how much it hurt you, or even figure out why. But since it sounds like you had a happy marriage (just like I thought I did), I’ll tell you what my husband told me.
And I feel it would likely apply in your situation too since you were both otherwise happy. He said the cheating had NOTHING to do with me. He was lonely, had low self esteem, and liked the attention.
I’ve read a lot of articles on this too and a lot of cheaters like to feel like they have someone’s complete attention and can attract others. I don’t get what the drive is, but that is literally what it is for some.
Having said that, I’d suggest you keep telling yourself it had nothing to do with you. Unless you were physically or emotionally abusive (which is def doesn’t sound like you are), her actions were on her and her alone.
They were likely for attention and “feeling special” from someone else. Don’t blame yourself for anything. But make sure you get counselling. It will really help. And talk to people who you’re close to and can trust.
Internet helped me a lot. While some people can be extreme (such as the ones who suggested pissing on her grave), others offer much more helpful advice.
I wish you all the best and I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Dealing with cheating is hard enough, I can’t imagine what it’s like when the person you loved dies and you only find out afterwards that they were cheating.
Good luck and I wish you all the best with everything. My condolences to you for what you’re going through with your wife’s passing and the cheating.
bbbgh writes:
I'm going to be harsh right now and said this is not even karma, but this is like some kind of plot from some dark humor story where your wife was the protagonist.
I can picture your unfaithful wife that day feeling everything is under control while on the car leaving from the meeting with AP. Proud of how not only the marriage with you is going smoothly but also how she managed to score someone hot as a lover and how her future seemed bright ahead...
a fruitful SO at her left and a vigorous lover on her right, nothing could be better for her. And then BAM! a reckless truck driver ended all those illusions, expectations and proudness in one blow. While the two guys she expected to get the best of them for her are alive along with the girl that give her the push to betray you.
Now back to the topic, like you said, at the end she was the one who got the worse part so even tho she is not facing her consequences alive the ones who were involved are now feeling them.
You are doing right in seeking for therapy, that is the best invest you can do for yourself because you deserve to be healed. Just seek a competent therapist.
On the other hand, in my opinion, if she was alive she definitely would had kept the affair on going. Why? Because the fact she heavily considered to give in at her co-worker advances means she already was considering to be unfaithful in the first place.
She asking advice to her friend was just her dragging the inevitable. Because, base on your post, your marriage was still normal, exhibiting the marriage was not the problem, otherwise both of you would not had buyed a new house.
So rest assure you are not at fault of her actions, becausr she truly wanted that affair. The big proof is how she bragged to her friend about the date with AP the next day it happened.
Now, AP and her friend must deal with how your wife "little adventure" ended. Her friend must be feeling some remorse after you texted her that she encouraged her to go for it. AP is probably having some sort phylosopical judgement about this even after meeting you and everyone that knew her unfaithful life will form their judgement by their own.
Granted, all of them, incluiding AP and the friend, will move on over and take it as a peculiar anecdote. So you also have the right to move on as well. Remember that...and good luck!
And now, OP's major update:
Hello all, I love everyone in this sub you guys have shown me so much support regarding what I been dealing with. I cant say anything has gotten better, especially during this epidemic where I'm stuck not working now. Just too much time.
Anyway, people mentioned getting in touch with my wife's companies HR about her coworker whom she was having an affair with(he is single). I have done this and I asked about it and they said there was no policy against coworkers getting romantically involved as long as it is off work.
I kind of figured this was the case, as much as I want to get him fired and ruin his life, it was infact consensual and their affair was off the clock so, I understand that there is nothing they can do, I didn't think there was.
I sent a screenshot of the message of her friend encouraging her to her boyfriend on Facebook. He replied that he is sorry for what happened to me, but that she didn't think she would actually do it, that I shouldn't blame his GF for my wife's affair or death. So I guess it's dead end there as I am talking to a door nob who believes what ever his GF says.
I got a ton of suggestions about posting her texts and messages to publicize what she did. I am NOT going to do this and I really dont understand the point of doing it, she is gone and has no consequences left to suffer, no justice will be served.
She is gone, I will only be making this more difficult for her family. Besides it's not really anyone else's business, even if she was alive.
So I decided to go through all her texts with him and her other friends. I was going to wait longer before looking but I just couldn't sleep, I couldnt seem to move on from wondering, how, where, why and not having any answers.
Her entire conversation with him was still there from their first and last texts. Little bit of good news is she expressed guilt (although not right away) about the affair and after meeting him the second time for sex she expressed guilt and she told him that she can't continue seeing him.
But of course it would continue. Their conversations would range from her being very close to him, sending heart filled messages to next thing totally ignoring him. But she would sometimes apologize for ignoring him, which obviously angered me.
Bad news is she appears to have been much more sexually exploratory with him. She also smoked weed with him which I never seen her do. I found he had anal sex with her, more then once. Yet its something she never let me do. She also had him sleep in our bed on the night i went to visit my brother.
Also she gave him head while he drove to get lunch on their lunch break, she talked about it like it was funny. This isn't something I was ready for, I began shaking and puking, it gave me a severe anxiety attack and I resorted to drinking last night, cause it was just too much. I feel like he took her from me, like he killed her because she would be alive if she didn't go to his place.
I been obsessed with the dates on their messages which they would meet. I'd go back to my social media and camera album to see what day that was. I was heartbroken when I seen they met on our anniversary where i took her to dinner to the first place we went on a date.
I remembered that day as a very goodnight with her, very romantic and we were both so happy and close. I felt like got hit in the gut knowing she had sex with another man just hours before our date. Makes me sick and I dont see how I can get over this.
My mind is still numb after what I read last night, I just cant believe that shit actually happened. I honestly wish I never discovered this, I'd much rather have left her phone alone. I'd rather have remembered something I never knew, a lie compared to how i feel now.
But now that I know, I need to let go of all the love I have for her. I'm mourning her death and I miss her so much but it's time I need to realize she isnt who I thought she was. I have read everything there is to know and at least i dont think i can hurt anymore then I'm hurting now. Here is to hopefully healing...
I have a talk with a psychologist in about a month, but if I feel any worse I will go to the hospital because I am close to feeling suicidal. But I know it's an illogical feeling, I must go on.
I dont think you understand, I never discovered the fact she cheated on me during her funeral, let alone knowing it was him. I am extremely angry but I am more hurt than angry, I feel I dont have the strength or energy to be angry, the whole thing has drained me to exhaustion and depression.
It's pretty much how I been feeling especially upon finding out, physically sick, that nausea feeling in my stomach and feeling of fear/hurt in my chest. I dont feel any better yet but I don't know I'm beginning to feel more numb to it.