Man discovers wife's 'stupid mistake' affair from years ago, 'I can't let it go.' AITA?
"I found out my wife had an affair years ago, and she never told me. She says it doesn’t matter anymore, but I can’t let it go. AITA?"
My wife (34F) and I (36M) have been married for 8 years, together for 10. We’ve built a good life together—happy, or so I thought. Recently, while we were going through some old messages on her laptop (she asked me to help her find an email), I stumbled upon some old texts between her and a guy from work.
They were flirty, way too flirty, and when I dug a bit deeper, I realized she had an affair with this guy about six years ago, while we were married. I was shocked. She never mentioned this before, not even during the few rocky periods we had early on in our marriage.
When I confronted her, she admitted it right away. She said it was a stupid mistake, that it was brief, and that she ended it because she felt horrible about it. She said it was a tough time in our marriage and claimed she didn’t want to hurt me by bringing it up later, especially because it meant nothing and she’s been committed to me ever since.
Here’s the thing: I can’t stop thinking about it. It doesn’t feel like it’s in the past to me, even though she insists it’s irrelevant now. She says I’m overreacting and that I need to move on because we’re stronger now and this was years ago. But the trust I thought we had feels shattered.
I’m torn because I still love her, but I don’t know if I can get past the fact that she kept this from me for so long. She says it’s ancient history, but to me, it feels like it just happened. Am I the ahole for not being able to let this go, even though it happened years ago and she says it doesn’t matter anymore?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
toyotanj said:
NTA. Her saying your overreacting is gaslighting. She had a affair. She lied about it for 6 years. It is huge. It is life altering. You should be devastated and betrayed. I am sorry...
Sebscreen said:
NTA. Her frankly disgusting reaction to your feelings prove that she doesn't regret cheating and hasn't changed at all to this day. She is once again deciding how you should feel, disregarding how your feeling, and placing herself permanently above you. You shouldn't let this go. The person who is supposed to be your life partner betrayed you in the worst possible way then lied to your face for 6 years without regret.
Early_Listen6432 said:
Pretty sure if the roles were reversed, she'd divorce you, take you to court and take every penny you got and say what a huge piece of sh#$ you are. NTA.
doblehuevo said:
NTA. She cheated on you! She broke a cardinal rule. How can you trust her going forward? What else has she kept from you? Divorce her. You deserve better.
RunklesUncle said:
NTA. Your wife’s a narcissist. It might be in her past. But, it is very much your present. I’d be walking out the door.
ghjkl098 said:
NTA. Her saying you are overreacting makes it pretty clear she hasn’t grown since the affair at all. Growth would have been remorse and self reflection, not dismissing you and your valid feelings of betrayal.