Man who doesn't like kids is honest about his expected role as the 'fun uncle,' 'I find them annoying.' AITA?
"AITA for being up front about the fact that I will not be doing things with my nephew or being the 'fun uncle' since I don’t like kids and never agreed to be the 'fun uncle?'
My sister Lauren is pregnant with a boy who she is planning to name "David." Long story short, David’s father Bryan is a loser and my sister is not going to be getting any help from him.
Lauren has been talking a lot about how a boy needs a father figure, David’s going to look for mentorship in the wrong places unless family steps up, and some more obvious statements that show she expects me to be the “fun uncle” type with David.
I don’t want any confusion in the future, so I told Lauren upfront how I’m not going to be the “fun uncle” type or have any parental role with David. I’ll be polite at any family events and send a gift for his birthday/xmas but that’s it. It’s not personal, I’ve just never liked kids, I find them annoying, and I don’t want to ever be responsible for one.
Bryan’s brother Andrew wants to be involved. He has two young kids who he wants David grow up with and have a strong relationship with the cousins. Our own brother George also wants to be involved. So I told Lauren how David has plenty of adult male figures without me.
Lauren launched into me saying that uncles still isn’t the same as an actual father and David needs all the support he can get since Bryan won’t be here. She accused me of flaking out on my own blood.
I have my own life and wasn’t going to be involved regardless of the situation with Bryan. I’ve always been upfront that I wasn’t going beyond holiday gifts and other basic politeness. Besides, Andrew and George will be involved uncles, so I don’t get why this pressure is on me.
Lauren argued that hosting him for a sleepover or taking him to a museum isn’t asking the world. Realistically, one polite but distant uncle won’t have any negative impact on a kid, and I can’t be “flaking out” of a commitment that I never agreed to take in the first place, AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
LoveBeach8 said:
NTA. It's not nice of her to foist this responsibility upon you, knowing how you feel about it. Even if you love kids, it would be wrong of her to expect your involvement as she dictates. Refuse to discuss the subject any longer with her.
If she starts in, simply head her off at the pass by telling her something like "Lauren, this subject is now off limits. You have no right to dictate responsibilities to me regarding your son. Please stop." Repeat as necessary, not altering your words. She'll get tired of hearing the same sentences over and over again soon enough.
Bunny_Bixler99 said:
NTA. I'm the polite, distant uncle that sends checks for birthdays/holidays. (It helps that I live in a completely different time zone). The ones judging you saying you're the a/h must've missed the weird fixation your sister has on expecting YOU to be the primary sleepover/culture fix/mentor in HER child's life.
Let me guess: you're single, independent, and probably have more disposable income than the other men in the family, correct?
Bunny_Bixler99 said:
NTA. I'm the polite, distant uncle that sends checks for birthdays/holidays. (It helps that I live in a completely different time zone). The ones judging you saying you're the a/h must've missed the weird fixation your sister has on expecting YOU to be the primary sleepover/culture fix/mentor in HER child's life.
Let me guess: you're single, independent, and probably have more disposable income than the other men in the family, correct?
ArreniaQ said:
I had 7 uncles, none of them were involved, I got birthday cards from one aunt and uncle, but the others never paid any attention to me. Lauren should have thought about the need for a decent father for her child before she decided to have a child with a guy who she knows won't be that. NTA.
Perimentalpause said:
NTA. "Be mad at your sperm donor, not me. Bryan owes you and David a promise to exist as a father. I'm not a dad. I don't want to be in a paternal role. I don't really want to be in an uncle role. You have plenty of people on both sides to step in, so insisting that I have to as well because you slept with a jacka$% and got pregnant by him isn't my fault. Be pissed at Bryan. Don't transfer that anger onto me. I won't tolerate it."
Indigowavee said:
NTA. You’re under no obligation to be an active uncle if you don’t want to be. It’s great that Andrew and George are willing to step up, and that’s enough.
yrcastr said:
NTA. Your sister isn't entitled to your time, money, or whatever for a kid you had no role in bringing into this world. Not every family member needs to be a big figure in a kid's life.
He has other male figures excited to do stuff with him. And also lots of kids have been raised by just women and turned out great. Hey, maybe in the future, you'll end up forming a bond with the kid and will want to hang out with him, but being forced won't be helpful.