Man doesn't push for wife to have bigger role in daughter's wedding. AITA?

"AITA for not pushing for my wife to have a bigger role in my daughter’s wedding?"

My ex and I weren’t together very long when we had our daughter Riley. We broke up while my ex was still pregnant. A year and a half later, my ex married her husband, Phillip. Riley was with me every Tuesday and then every other weekend, with split holidays.

As she lived with her mom and Phillip more, he became a father figure to her. She doesn’t call him dad, but has made it clear she thinks she has 2 dads. I have never been threatened by Phillip and have a lot of respect for him. He, my ex, and I get along well.

I married my wife when Riley was 13. While the two of them get along, they aren’t as close as she is to Phillip. I know she doesn’t consider her another mother figure. I was also okay with this as Phillip had been in my daughter’s life longer and was around her.

Riley was always very polite and considerate towards my wife. I could tell my wife was hurt they weren’t closer but I didn’t want to push the issue. My wife and I had a son together.

Now, Riley is in her mid-20s and is getting married. I’m walking her down the aisle, with Phillip on her other arm. My son is going to be a junior groomsman. My ex is being escorted by her father down the aisle as well. Riley’s siblings from her mom’s side are also in the wedding party.

When my wife asked Riley what her role was, my daughter said she wanted her to sit up front and she’ll be in family photos. My wife asked about a special dress and Riley said they could go shopping together, but she didn’t care what she wears, she doesn’t have to match the bridal party or anything.

My wife is very hurt and wants a larger role in the wedding. She wants to walk our son down the aisle, but Riley said her sister on her mom’s side who’s close in age with him is walking with him as they’re a junior bridesmaid.

My wife kept suggesting other ways she could walk down the aisle and Riley gently shut her down. I wasn’t here for this conversation and only found out about it later.

My wife came to me and says I need to convince my daughter to give her some role in the wedding. I say it’s my daughter’s day and I’m not going to tell her who gets what role. She’ll have the opportunity to do mother of the groom stuff if/when our son ever gets married.

She said that Phillip has a big role, he even gets a dance with my daughter at the wedding (we’re splitting the song so I get half, Phillip gets the other). I pointed out that Phillip has been in her life since she was 10 months old and helped raise her. They don’t have that dynamic.

My wife is now very upset with me and says I’m enabling my daughter excluding her. I really don’t feel this is my place. AITA for not pushing the matter more?

Let's see what readers thought:

ahgyou writes:

NTA. Your wife is acting very childishly. I understand that this hurts her feelings but she needs to understand that you cannot force people to feel a certain way about you. Trying to force them to perform like they do only further harms your relationship. It's not about her.

resoyp writes:

NTA- your wife is entitled to her feelings, but she needs to be realistic here. She is not being excluded. She's just not being honored. She can either get over it and attend with a smile, or she can stay home and forever create a rift.

fleet writes:

NTA. Your daughter is being kind and gracious about dress shopping with your wife and making sure she is seated with the family and all that. You married this woman when your kid was 13.

By then, she was a teenager and had build herself a supportive family community with you, her mom, and stepdad. She isn’t disrespectful to your wife. She just doesn’t see her as a parent. That is completely fair because she already had three parents before your wife came along.

Your wife is being immature and self centered. Those are not pleasant qualities to be around. She needs to get her perspective straight or maybe she should stay home that day. I wouldn’t want her nasty attitude to ruin the special day.

mostlyljur writes:

NTA. Your wife maybe reasonable to have some minimally hurt feelings, to realize that the wedding plans make it clear she's an "other". She's wife of the father. There are additional roles in weddings that can often be offered to other family members, like greeting people, doing readings.

A family members are getting introduced at the reception, I presume she'll be walking in with you? If your daughter can think of something, that would be nice. Otherwise her stepmom who cares for her is going to always remember this very tangible and visible way of showing everyone that she's not that important within the family.

I'm sure your wife will consider any children of the marriage to be her grandchildren. I would think you would at least have some sympathy for your wife, which is different than saying your daughter has to accommodate her.