Man doesn't tell partner about his vasectomy, 'she told me she was pregnant.' AITA? UPDATED.
"AITA for not telling my new partner about having a vasectomy?"
Some background, I 36M was married for 8 years have one kid. After they were born I got a vasectomy which was 4 years ago because I am not interested in having more children. Ended up get divorced about 2 years ago. Started dating my recent ex (33f) little less than 9 months ago.
When we started dating and the kid conversation came up I was very clear about not wanting any more children and that will not change. I didn't bring up my vasectomy at that point partly because I didn't think it mattered and partly because I didn't think it was their business that early on.
Fast forward to this week, she told me she was pregnant. At this point I said the child is unlikely mine and I will not have any involvement in this until a paternity test is done. My reasoning for this is she was supposedly on birth control and I in theory should be sterile so the odds seem pretty astronomical to me.
This obviously turned into a fight. She accused me of being dishonest with her which I guess a lie of omission isn't being completely honest. AITA for not disclosing my vasectomy earlier?
EDIT:
I do plan to get retested, but due to them wanting you to abstain for a few days it will be about mid next week before I can drop a sample off. That said I have been tested three times since the vasectomy. Initially after the minimum wait time.
About a year later when my ex-wife removed her iud. Finally about 6 months after the divorce before i started dating. All showed I was still sterile so not expecting much change there, but who knows. I will update after.
Secondly, I was on the fence about the relationship for the last month or so. Even if the child is mine I don't have much interest in trying to mend the relationship though I will try to be a good coparent and obvious apologize for my strong suggestions of cheating.
Finally, I do agree that I probably should have said something when we started getting intimate. She brought up her being on the iud so I didn't bring up my vasectomy. I am a bit paranoid so preferred the dual birth control.
Here's what top commenters had to say:
Exotic-Bar-9605 said:
Paternity test. Vasectomies are not 100% foolproof
SmarthaSmewart said:
NTA but it is possible that the baby could still be yours. I know at least 2 surprise post-vasectomy babies.
HyenaShot8896 said:
Stick with the paternity test demand before anything else. I would schedule a sperm count check to make sure that the swimmers are still blocked from exit. I can see you saying that your vasectomy is not anyone's business, but maybe after 9 months of dating they should have been made aware. In the end though, NTA.
Wanderful-Woman said:
You are NTA, but going forward I think having an honest discussion when a relationship moves to intimacy could avoid a lot of potential drama. Let your partner know that because you don’t want any kids you have had a vasectomy, and then asking what kind of birth control she uses.
Vasectomies aren’t foolproof, as no birth control is foolproof. But this could avoid a partner who is trying to baby trap you, or “thinks you’ll change your mind down the road”." Also, get a paternity test at a place of your choosing so you know, either way.
Trespassingw said:
NTA. You told her you are not going to have kids, that's enough. You are insisting on paternity test - this is reasonable too, because it still might be your kid. Chance is tiny, but still not zero.
UPDATE:
Had my sperm count tested and it came back at zero so not much doubt that I am in the clear. I had reached out a couple times since the argument to discuss how she wants to do a paternity test and got nothing back.
I have been blocked on any shared social media and have not talked to her since the argument. At this point I don't see any need to reach out any more and will wait and see if she tries to take me to court.