Some background, I 36M was married for 8 years have one kid. After they were born I got a vasectomy which was 4 years ago because I am not interested in having more children. Ended up get divorced about 2 years ago. Started dating my recent ex (33f) little less than 9 months ago.
When we started dating and the kid conversation came up I was very clear about not wanting any more children and that will not change. I didn't bring up my vasectomy at that point partly because I didn't think it mattered and partly because I didn't think it was their business that early on.
Fast forward to this week, she told me she was pregnant. At this point I said the child is unlikely mine and I will not have any involvement in this until a paternity test is done. My reasoning for this is she was supposedly on birth control and I in theory should be sterile so the odds seem pretty astronomical to me.
This obviously turned into a fight. She accused me of being dishonest with her which I guess a lie of omission isn't being completely honest. AITA for not disclosing my vasectomy earlier?
I do plan to get retested, but due to them wanting you to abstain for a few days it will be about mid next week before I can drop a sample off. That said I have been tested three times since the vasectomy. Initially after the minimum wait time.
About a year later when my ex-wife removed her iud. Finally about 6 months after the divorce before i started dating. All showed I was still sterile so not expecting much change there, but who knows. I will update after.
Secondly, I was on the fence about the relationship for the last month or so. Even if the child is mine I don't have much interest in trying to mend the relationship though I will try to be a good coparent and obvious apologize for my strong suggestions of cheating.
Finally, I do agree that I probably should have said something when we started getting intimate. She brought up her being on the iud so I didn't bring up my vasectomy. I am a bit paranoid so preferred the dual birth control.
Paternity test. Vasectomies are not 100% foolproof
NTA but it is possible that the baby could still be yours. I know at least 2 surprise post-vasectomy babies.
Stick with the paternity test demand before anything else. I would schedule a sperm count check to make sure that the swimmers are still blocked from exit. I can see you saying that your vasectomy is not anyone's business, but maybe after 9 months of dating they should have been made aware. In the end though, NTA.
You are NTA, but going forward I think having an honest discussion when a relationship moves to intimacy could avoid a lot of potential drama. Let your partner know that because you don’t want any kids you have had a vasectomy, and then asking what kind of birth control she uses.
Vasectomies aren’t foolproof, as no birth control is foolproof. But this could avoid a partner who is trying to baby trap you, or “thinks you’ll change your mind down the road”." Also, get a paternity test at a place of your choosing so you know, either way.
NTA. You told her you are not going to have kids, that's enough. You are insisting on paternity test - this is reasonable too, because it still might be your kid. Chance is tiny, but still not zero.
Had my sperm count tested and it came back at zero so not much doubt that I am in the clear. I had reached out a couple times since the argument to discuss how she wants to do a paternity test and got nothing back.
I have been blocked on any shared social media and have not talked to her since the argument. At this point I don't see any need to reach out any more and will wait and see if she tries to take me to court.