Man doesn't want to marry pregnant GF; 'Something is OFF with our relationship.' AITA? UPDATED 3X

When this man is worried that he can't go on in his relationship, he asks the internet:

"I can’t see myself settling down with my pregnant girlfriend of 5 years, AITAH?"

I (29M) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (28F) for 5 years. We've had discussions about our future goals, including settling down, having children, and other similar aspects. Initially, we were both on the same page. I believed she was the one for me.

However, lately, I've been feeling a sense of boredom and monotony in our relationship. Our se% life is great, she's a wonderful cook, and she's objectively attractive.

There isn't anything inherently wrong in our relationship, but the thought of being stuck in a repetitive routine is becoming overwhelming for me. Additionally, three of her close friends are either engaged or married, and she keeps pressuring me about when we’ll take that step.

I had been contemplating ending the relationship because I found it increasingly difficult to pretend that everything was fine. However, last week, she told me that she had taken three different pregnancy tests, all of which came back positive. To say that I was mortified would be an understatement.

Despite my best efforts to conceal my reaction, she could tell that something was off. She asked me how I felt about the situation, and I must admit that my choice of words could have been better.

I asked her if abortion was an option, which caught her off guard. The following two minutes were filled with an uncomfortable silence. After that, she got up and left the apartment. Since then, she hasn't spoken with me at all, and I assume she's considering breaking up with me.

Meanwhile, her friends and family have been calling me names, but I have chosen to ignore them as their opinions hold no significance to me since they aren't directly involved in this situation. Despite me feeling free and so much better now that we aren’t together anymore, I still can’t help but think I might’ve been the AH.

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some top responses:

glindaw writes:

NTA for feeling the way you do. Tell her now you no longer want to continue the relationship so she still has options available to her.

You need to make every effort to help her settle into a new apartment and prepare for the birth if she moves forward with the pregnancy. Ideally you pay child support will be a decent father.

flankj writes:

YTA. I hope she bleeds you dry for child support. And what a great story you can tell your child some day, "daddy was an AH and wanted to kill you before you were born, have a good day at school.".

Hopefully she will get full custody and only get supervised visits once a month. I bet your parents are going to be so proud of their son and what an AH he has grown to be. You don't deserve that girl's love, you have proved that by your actions. Time to actually grow the duck up and be a man.

nopehhnothap writes:

NTA. Your feelings are just as valid as hers. You were already beginning to feel trapped in the relationship and contemplating whether this was for you for life and then she comes in with news that could metaphorically be seen as a chain to tie you here for life.

Of course you aren’t going to be swinging you hat and going wo-ho! And it would be lying to pretend you were happy about it.

You asked her if abortion was an option for her, you didn’t demand or threaten, you just asked her. As is your right.

But this is it, you need to get your feelings together Now and decide if you want to be with her and have a kid or if you do not. Plus if you want to be involved with the kid, if she chooses to keep it, or if you want to sign of on your rights.

She deserve an honest and thought through answer.

holkidayo writes:

NTA but If she has that kid, YOU WILL NEVER BE FREE lol. But you Will have other options. If you were feeling this way, WHY is she pregnant?? IS she not on birth control?? You didn't use a condom??

Did she baby trap you as a way to get you to propose?? As long as you're financially responsible for the kid (if it yours) you don't have to have a relationship with the mother or child for that matter. Relationships die for no reason. People outgrow each other n love fades.

Just be responsible. It takes two to make a child n now you will have to pay. It's life dude but you're nta for feeling this way. Please don't stay with her just cuz shes pregnant. If you do you're making both your lives miserable and child will end up paying for your mistakes. End it n move on. Don't be manipulated to stay.

agahd09m writes:

Honestly yes YTA... but it might not be entirely your fault. Have you had this problem in relationships and even friendships before? Where nothing is wrong at all but yet after a year or two you totally lose interest for no apparent reason.

You stop talking to your friends and dump your girl....or do something to cause her to dump you to avoid actually having to dump her.

I had this problem from my teen years through my early 30s and it made me feel terrible, broken and worthless. I grew up in a military family and moved between every year and every other year for the first 18 years of my life. I went to 3 different high schools, 4 elementary schools and 2 middle schools.

I got really really good at making and losing friends and honestly it wasn't until going to therapy when my father died that I realized the way I grew up, the way I made friends, started and ended relationships was not normal and was definitely not healthy.

I got really good at making friends and starting relationships with the people I was around and not necessarily people I would normally gravitate towards for friendships and more. Then after 2 years maximum I would get bored and be ready to move on even if there was nothing wrong.

I realized my brain was trained to only have short term relationships and after the average amount of time I spent living somewhere growing up I was ready to dump them and move on. It turns out I wasn't really friends with these people and I wasn't really in love with those women. I was just filling the loneliness on my heart with whoever was there.

I realized that I was basically a chameleon and was very good with fitting in with whoever I was around I was never really my authentic self for most of my life. It was only when I realized this and decided to consciously make changes and changed the way I thought that things started to change.

I just had my 6 year anniversary with my girlfriend and despite a bunch of ex girlfriends and an ex wife I realized I've never actually been in love until this women.

This might be relevant to you or it might not but it's worth thinking about. I think a lot of men end up wiry women who aren't right for them and that they don't truly love simply because she was receptive, they're having se% regularly and that oxytocin keeps the infatuation high despite there being no real substance.

vibrsnthay6 writes:

Hot take: You’re NTA, but you’re just not a mature or serious person for her to get married to.

I empathize with wanting to not have a monotonous routine, but that’s on you as well to make interesting. Even if you needed to do radical stuff to make things fun.

In this case though, you’ve been together for 5 years. It’s literally: be committed or break up. I don’t think you’re an ass for mentioning an abortion, but kinda an idiot. I don’t think it’s inherently wrong to ask, especially if unmarried. I’m

But I’d assume you guys should have had that discussion prior & you coulda seen her vibes based on how she brought it up. You also could imply it by putting some doubt, not saying it straight up.

crimeagh writes:

Unpopular opinion: I (33F) do not think you're the AH. I think unplanned pregnancy is being an AH and abortion was a fair thing to bring up (yes, I have had an abortion).

Could the situation have been handled better before said "surprise"? Sure. But who hasn't made the mistake of postponing a necessary conversation just because it was hard?

(PSA: write a will or at least tell those close to you what you'd want if you end up on life support or dead; I work as an ME and the fact that no one prepares for death when everyone knows it's inevitable boggles my mind)

I was in a relationship for 8 years and broke up with my partner when I realized he wasn't interested in the "traditional" future with me.

The fact that she didn't notice your reticence either means you are a great actor (which would make you the AH) or she didn't want to see it because that would mean the perfect future she had already painted was a lie (hint: that was me in my prior relationship)

asle34 writes:

ESH - Her for allowing you to have unprotected se% with her. Never act like the spouse until you are the spouse. You - for having unprotected se% with her, not dumping her go earlier, and that response to her positive pregnancy test.

You sound like you are going through a midlife crisis in your 20s. This is not normal.

If it were me, I would apologize, propose, and involve her in the adventures that you want to try to spice up your life. But if you are not right for her, then step back, prepare to watch her happiness with someone else from the sidelines. Because if she is cute, great in bed, and a good cook, someone will pick her up.

theboxa writes:

I’m assuming the future plans you discussed included marriage and children, and now you’re changing your mind and looking to blame her. You’ve wasted 5 years of her life by saying you both want the same things, and then when you are presented with one of those “dreams,” you don’t want it anymore?

Also, if you haven’t taken any measure to discuss your feelings of “boredom” with someone you say you care about, then you’re not being a good partner. It sounds like she’s giving 100% and you’re giving none. YTA.

Update 1:

I’m reading everyone’s comments. I’m using this as a time to self-reflect before meeting my girlfriend once again. I don’t feel the need to reply as I’m not sure if my reply is even warranted.

This is my first reply to any of the comments but I want to use this as a way to say I appreciate everyone’s replies. I understand I lack some empathy here, I’m just not in a stable place at the moment but your comments are helping. Thank you everyone for your honesty.

Update 2:

I just wanted to clarify a few things as this ended up blowing a lot more than expected.

Firstly, it's important to note that I don't simply view my girlfriend on a surface level. I wanted to highlight the aspects that appear ideal in a relationship from an outsider's perspective.

Regarding my statement that she is "objectively attractive," let me clarify. Yes, I do find her attractive, and I always have. However, it's important to note that she has evolved over the years.

She invests a significant amount of time and money into skincare, facials, and luxury brands. She enjoys enhancing her appearance, and I support her in that. In fact, I have personally gifted her various items related to her interests.

It's essential to understand that I love her for who she is as a person. The Reddit post merely touched upon three aspects of her identity, but she is so much more than those specific qualities.

Three, we always have se% with protection. We got a bit too drunk four weeks ago and the condom might’ve not been put on properly, but we’re usually very safe. I also don’t need a DNA test as some comments suggested, I’m the asshole here, not her.

Furthermore, I want to emphasize my genuine love for her. However, when my life underwent significant changes and the associated pressures began to mount, I started to feel trapped and overwhelmed.

Growing up, I witnessed the instability of my parents' relationship, which has undoubtedly influenced my perspective. While she is not my first girlfriend, she is the one with whom I have had a long-lasting relationship.

I recognize that these factors do not excuse my feelings or actions, but they serve as an explanation for my emotional state. In response to the numerous comments requesting it, I have been seeking therapy for a while but I’ve been putting it off. I’ll try to look into it properly now to address and work through these issues.

Regarding my relationship with her family and friends, there is a mixed dynamic. Her father tends to be overprotective, which has made it challenging for us to establish a strong connection.

However, we have managed to find some common ground and maintain a somewhat amicable relationship. Her mother, on the other hand, is kind-hearted but tends to be reserved in her communication. Despite this, we have managed to navigate our interactions fairly well.

Over the years, our friend groups have merged, and we typically gather with different individuals from the group on a weekly basis. However, since learning about her pregnancy, I have distanced myself from everyone to process the overwhelming situation.

It is important to note that I do not view them as bad people, and I appreciate their efforts to reach out to me. However, I am currently feeling emotionally drained, and outside of my pregnant girlfriend, I do not feel obligated to be emotionally available to anyone else in my current state.

I do plan on reaching out to my girlfriend when I work out the best way to go about this. That is all.

Update 3:

It had been some time since I’d made my last post, it surprisingly blew up so here’s an update.

I attended therapy and realized my negative feelings when it came to monotony stemmed from a lot of factors, none relating to my actual relationship. For the sake of privacy and still coming to terms with it all, I won’t share the factors.

My ex-girlfriend and I had met a couple of times since, I grieve what could’ve been every now and then but I acknowledge it was my own fault that I’d lost her. We’ve decided to remain civil for the sake of our future child, and I feel she’s doing much better now.

Though we’re not together anymore, I bring her whatever I’d heard pregnant women might need. Whether that be maternity outfits, compression socks, tea to help with nausea as well as raspberry leaf tea, pregnancy pillows, etc. I love her, but I’m not good for her.

We aren’t meant to be together, and I will be there for her regardless. Her friends and family still don’t like me much, but I’m fine with that. I’m just doing what I can for the mother of my child and someone I care for.

Just thought I’d share this update, it’s not much but it’s what’s been going on. And fellas, bit of advice if you’re on a similar boat, no pregnant women deserves to be abandoned even if you’re not in a good mental state.

Work on yourself, though it won’t be easy, and step up to the plate. I’ve rightfully been seen as awful by the people of Reddit, but I am doing what I can as of yet and can only hope for the best.