Man 'embarrasses' SAHM wife, revokes her access to their credit card after 'large purchase.' AITA?
"AITA for revoking my wife’s access to our credit card, because she made a large purchase without consulting me, embarrassing her the following day?"
My wife (30F) and I (32M) have been married for six years, and we have two young kids. She’s a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), and we’ve always agreed that I would handle the finances while she takes care of the home and the kids.
We’ve got a pretty solid budget in place, and she has a credit card under my account for household expenses, her personal needs, and fun money for things like her monthly kitty parties with friends.
Recently, though, I noticed a huge charge on the card that caught me off guard. When I asked her about it, she admitted that she had gone out and bought herself a really expensive designer handbag and some other luxury items. She said she felt like she "deserved it" after a rough week with the kids.
I tried to keep calm, but I reminded her that we’ve been trying to save for a family vacation, and this was way outside what we’d budgeted for. She just looked at me with these big, wide eyes and said, “But it made me feel better,” like that was the end of the discussion.
Seeing that amount taken out for something so non-essential really frustrated me. I felt like it was selfish of her to spend that much without talking to me. I ended up canceling her credit card and removing her as an authorized user.
I figured if she was going to make such a big purchase without consulting me, she didn’t need the extra spending power for her kitty party this month. I told her she could still access our joint account for essentials but that she wouldn’t have free reign with the card anymore.
Here’s where it gets worse: She didn’t really think I would go as far to actually cancel the card because this isn’t something I’d done before. This isn’t the first time a situation like this has happened, but it’s a first time I have actually followed through my “warning” to revoke access to the card.
When she went to pay for her kitty party, the card got declined in front of all her friends. She was mortified and had to ask one of them to cover her share. She came home crying, saying how embarrassed she was and that I had humiliated her in front of her friends. She’s been acting really withdrawn and upset with me ever since, like I’m the bad guy.
If I’m being 100% honest, I don’t really think I’m an AH for cancelling the card, but maybe one for how I feel. A part of me feels a sense of satisfaction for how she was left feeling, because that’s exactly how I felt every single time she disrespected me by spending money exclusively on herself without considering how I felt.
A part of me is petty here, because I wanted her to go through the embarrassment and the feeling of disregard because I wanted to, I guess, even the scales here? It’s not like she doesn’t get to spend money on herself or buy nice things once in a while...
Just a few weeks ago, she went on a shopping trip (that I knew about and was okay with) so this purchase that she made this time wasn’t necessary, or felt “earned” despite what she says and feels.
I get that she’s under a lot of stress as a SAHM and probably needed something for herself, but I feel like she crossed a line by making such a big purchase without discussing it with me first.
Later, OP edited the post to include:
We have a maid, a cook, and a driver that I exclusively pay for. And we live next door to my parents who take care of our kids. So no nanny needed. PS: in case any one is curious, all the services I mentioned are very affordable in my country and every middle-upper class household has them and that’s why I didn’t feel the need to mention it.
A kitty party is kind of party usually organized by women, and commonly held in the afternoon on a monthly basis. It’s an Indian-ish concept. Each time, a different member hosts (organizes and pays for) the party.
PS: in case any one is curious, all the services I mentioned are very affordable in my country and every middle-upper class household has them, and that’s why I didn’t feel the need to mention it
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
RevolutionaryDiet686 said:
NTA. How much stress can she be under as a SAHM with a maid, a cook, a driver to help her out?
Tryingmybestatlife2 said:
NTA but next time just give her a monthly allowance into her own bank account to do with as she pleases. She can learn to budget that way.
BlueGreen_1956 said:
NTA. Your wife found out that actions sometimes have consequences. You even TOLD her you were going to cancel the card. She embarrassed herself. What you should have said to her when she came home and turned on the waterworks was to simply use her own words: "Canceling the credit card 'made me feel better.'"
ERVetSurgeon said:
NTA and I would return all her extravagant purchases too. She can't be trusted with the money.
DanaMarie75038 said:
NTA. I think big purchases need to be discussed.
Feisty_Apartment_153 said:
NTA. You did exactly what you told her you would.
indi50 said:
ESH There's a maid, a cook, a driver and babysitters next door whenever requested? What the hell stress is there for her? Did she break a nail or something, poor baby...Sorry - I can't feel a lot of sympathy for her having a "stressful week with the kids" - with all that help - and thinking that allows her to spend whatever she wants whenever she wants.
BUT - You're an AH for wanting to embarrass her - and doing it. You should have made it clear the card was actually cancelled. Work the finances out between the two of you, not with an audience. It sounds like both of you have to work on your maturity and communication.
PepperDogger said:
YTA. I know handbags can be stupid expensive, but story doesn't add up. "Saving up for a vacation," maid, cook, driver; Handbag breaks the budget? If you don't have money for a vacation, you're not hiring staff for your household. This is about financial control and trying to get your wife to submit to your power through that control.