Man 'emotionally disowns' bio children after they lied to him about their mother for YEARS; 'My niece and nephew are my children now.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

When this man is extremely hurt by his bio kids, he asks the internet:

"AITAH for prioritizing my nephew and niece over my own children after they hid their mom's secret from me for years?"

I (57M) was married to my wife for almost 25 years, and we divorced 4 years ago after I found out about her infidelity. She had an affair partner for almost 5 years. She is now with her affair partner.

The whole process hurt me a lot because I everything I did in life, I did it for my wife and kids, and to now find that about my wife, it just hurt me.

My 2 children (29F, 26M) had known about the affair for years, and they had hidden it from me. They both felt very guilty about it, and I don’t blame them, because they didn't want to break up their family.

My daughter even cried a lot, and apologized a lot of times, but I told her it was alright. They had their own life now, and I didn’t want this eating them up, so I told them to let go of the guilt.

However, ever since I found that they had hidden the affair from me, I lost a lot of love for them. I wasn’t going to cut them out of my inheritance or will or anything like that, but emotionally I couldn’t connect them with at all.

I also have a niece (30F) and nephew (28M) who I have been very close with, especially since their father passed away at a really young age. I played a father like role during their young years, because losing her husband at such a young age was very tough for my sister.

Over the last 4 years, I have also been looking forward to spend more time with them. Both my niece and nephew have children, and they have invited me over for their children’s birthdays.

They have also invited me over for their own birthday’s, on Father’s Day, on holidays. Overall we are a very tight knit multi generational family, and I am very proud to be a grandpa to their children, and we are already developing a bond.

However, in getting closer to my niece and nephew, I have also lost all interest in connecting with my own children. My daughter has 2 children, while my son has his first child on the way. They have invited me over multiple times, but I have told them I’m busy. I feel like i've emotionally disowned them. I'm just so hurt.

I rarely go over if at all, and I’ve missed almost all of their children’s special occasions. I’m not really interested in being a grandpa to their children. Monetarily, sure, I have been sending them gifts, but I just don’t feel like seeing them at all. My daughter especially seems very hurt by it at times, but I hope she understands the reason for this. AITAH?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's read some top responses:

weet writes:

YTA. He hasn’t forgiven them. He’s punishing them and he’s punishing his grandchildren. His children deserve it but his grandchildren don’t. He spent too much time explaining his “closeness” to his nephew and niece. He’s trying to justify it to himself.

If he was angry at them he should have SAID it. He should have talked to them, yelled at them, cried, told them how absolutely devastated he was. He’s playing games and maybe his children deserve it or maybe they loved him too much to want to be the one to hurt him also.

Maybe they knew he would have exactly the way he has and they didn’t want to lose him. There are too many unknowns here, but it is certain he is doing this deliberately to hurt them without thought and care for his grandchildren.

afgeu writes:

He’s not the asshole, he’s the victim and he shouldn’t deserve to feel like the bad guy after being cheated on for 5 years and his own children prioritising the “family” staying together over the father being let know the love of his life was loving another man.

His children weren’t children they were in their early/ mid 20’s they knew what they were doing and the possible consequences then keeping it a secret might’ve been and they made the conscious efforts to not let their father know their mother was a cheater.

He didn’t convey how he truly felt deep down in an honest way to his children, but this is a man that was married for what did he say? 25 years? He didn’t deserve what happened to him or to have it kept from him for 5 years,

I feel terrible for this man and I hope he finds another love in this life to make him feel complete, I also hope he doesn’t have troubles with trust in the future after such an event happening to him. He is not the asshole and I think it is one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard ever even thinking of suggesting that he might be the asshole.

09888u writes:

For the most part, the older people get, it seems like the less capable they are of handling the notion of their parents divorcing.

As someone who was fortunate to be a small child when my parents divorced, I just view divorce as a fact-of-life and don't lose any sleep over it, whereas my friends who were older when their parents divorced treat it like a world-shattering event that consumes exponentially more emotional space than it logically should.

That fear isn't bound to any kind of adult logic or morality and everyone believes that their familial situation is special, different, or more important than case examples they've seen or heard about elsewhere.

I'm sure the kids thought that if they just ignored it, things would eventually work themselves out and their parents could work past it and fall back in love, even if their "logical minds" would not expect that of anyone else they know.

When I see threads like these and the "but they knew for so long" or "they were adults/practically adults" I just feel like that has practically nothing to do with it and it's a gross oversimplification of a naivete that's ingrained in modern nuclear families.

As much as adult children claim to recognize the autonomy and normality of their parents, there is quite often a ridiculous mythology about their parents that still looms heavily in their minds.

If anything, they probably weren't thinking they were "betraying their dad" until the divorce happened, before that, they were more likely thinking that if they pushed any outcome, things would collapse and it would be their fault.

Like I said, it's not a "rational" response, but there is quite frequently very little rationality when navigating the relationships between children and parents and that goes in countless ways (i.e. abusive parents, neglectful parents, etc).

lloout writes:

I think the only things that might make you TA at this point are that you've not been honest with your children, which is your whole issue with them: that they didn't tell you the truth about the affair.

The other thing is you've almost completely thrown away a relationship with your children because of something their mother did, and they might have been in an impossible situation where telling you might have made things worse or their mother had something to do with why they didn't feel safe to tell you.

I do think you need some therapy because, after such a long relationship, there will be damage, even if it's not affecting you now. In addition, from this post, you seem a little bit unapproachable, and I wonder if that is part of the reason why they didn't speak to you about the affair because they were worried you would punish them in some way regardless. That in no way absolves them of not talking to you, but maybe knowing that might help you move on.

Regardless, you will need to speak to your children if only to set that expectation so they can also move on with their lives.

Whilst they withheld the truth from you, and I can't even begin to explain the amount of reasons there are that they did because none of them make the situation fair or right, they didn't commit the affair - your ex-wife did. So whatever your boundaries are or become with your children, you need to tell them the truth.

crocream writes:

YTA and here’s why. Your children, regardless of thier age, are your children. There is a power dynamic that needs to be recognized and respected here.

You and your ex wife are the adults in your family. You two lead the charge and set the tone in everything that happens.

Your marriage failed and that resulted in your wife engaging in a long term affair that your kids found out about and didn’t tell you.

Presumably after they already started college or flew the coop? Or? Having to make some assumptions, but ultimately both of your kids, while legal adults, were still quite young and literally just starting out in the world.

I’m sure they were already overwhelmed with leaving the comfort and protection of thier parents home, and they find out mom is having a full blown affair. What do you do?!?

Most young adults that find out some pretty upsetting, life changing/damaging stuff that is WAY ABOVE THIER PAYGRADE in the family unit, they either blow it up or they stick thier head in the sand.

These are plain simple facts. Spend 5 mins in the CPTSD channel and you can see for yourself. It’s a coping mechanism from trauma. Finding out your mom is cheating on dad is 100% a traumatic event.

You are the adult, but you are absolutely failing your kids by being so cold and driven by you ego. Remove your ego and see your kids through the lens of them being in an impossible situation.

5thiy writes:

In the bigger picture your kids and your grandkids are just probably better off without you because you seem like a shitty father and a worse grandfather. You’re punishing your children for being in a no-win situation, even if they were young adults.

They’re not responsible for whatever issues you and your wife had. And you’re punishing your grandchildren for the sins (in your eyes) of your children. And as soon as someone is “nice” to you, you transfer your affections to them. YTA

Update 1:

I am not really looking for revenge against my own children. I just can't emotionally connect with them. This isn't about them, it's about me. When I go over to my niece's and nephew's and spend time with them and their children, I am filled with joy. I cannot say the same for my own children, I feel nothing.

Yes, my children are really hurt by this, especially my daughter. They know I spend time over at their cousin's and with their children. But for the 20-30 years I have left, I want to prioritize myself and my mental health.

Oh both my niece and nephew were already in the will. I consider them as my children too, so it's divided equally between my son, daughter, niece, and nephew.

Update 2:

Thank you all for the advice. The one thing I got most from the comments was that my children deserved to know the truth, and to not be left in a limbo like it was for years. And that’s what I just did.

I just got off a video call with my daughter and my son. The call was pretty rough and extremely emotional but I got everything off my chest. I told them that while I had forgiven them, I could never forget it, and that for my mental health, it was better we limit our interactions.

I told them to not feel guilty about anything, but that also after dedicating more than half my life to my wife and children, it was time I put myself first.

I told them my heart wasn’t in it to be a grandparent to their children. I was also honest with them and told them my heart was only it for my nephew’s and niece’s kids, and whenever I did go to their house, I felt joy, while with my own children, I felt nothing.

My children probably already knew it, but I wanted them to hear it from me directly. It was really hard to get it off my chest and say it directly to my children’s faces. I told them they were still welcome to come to my house anytime, and call me anytime they needed help.

Both my children took the call really hard, but I think my daughter took it worst. Those were really ugly tears, and I felt really bad about it. But I do feel a sense of relief, and I have pretty much told all of my feelings to my children and did not keep anything secret. I can now move forward with my life, and so can my children.

They didn't beg for a second chance, but they did apologize a lot and also cried, and they asked me to reconsider. I told them I would, but for now, I would rather we limit the interactions. Yes, their relationship with their mother has also suffered a lot.