Man feels disrespected by gluten intolerant GF; 'Her set of rules is very passive aggressive.' AITA?

"AITA for eating gluten away from my partner?"

I (22m) have been dating my gf (24f) for almost two months now. I’m a sous chef, who has been traveling the untied states and working in various restaurants to build my resume before i jump into culinary school.

In particular i’ve handled pastries for the last 1&1/2 years now, It’s my passion and my love for bread fuels a lot of my creativity in the kitchen.

Recently i’ve been struggling coming to terms with not being able to use certain ingredients or try new foods that i have not personality tried to respect her wishes. I just feel kind of disrespected.

I would never purposely gluten my partner because i know the extent of the medical issue and i care greatly about her! Here recently she has put a kiss ban on me. She said no matter how much i brush my teeth, i am still glutening her.

I’ve tried various things to make her feel more comfortable like looking for new restaurants that can accommodate her and even making my own completely gluten free meals for her.

She doesn’t seem to like my cooking, at least in my eyes because she usually never finishes it ( not massive portions) and when i suggest a new restaurant it kinda gets blow off without giving it a chance, usually the response is “i’m not going there, they are not really gluten free and i will be glutened”

I’m not sure if there is a underlying issue that i can’t see or maybe that i’m being boneheaded because i feel like she doesn’t appreciate the work i’m trying to do to accommodate her into my life of food.

She seems to be very passive aggressive about my work containing gluten, it’s not like i can just stop working my job and tasting the things i create at work and I just want to make her feel safe and allow her to eat whatever she wants that i can make for her (or restaurants) So AITA?

Let's take a look at some top comments and reponses from OP:

toamgh writes:

NAH. On the one hand, it’s not uncommon for people with Celiac to have skin reactions to gluten. Some people have to use special gluten free soaps, lotions, deodorants, etc.

Many households where one member has Celiac have two sets of cookware/bakeware because just washing the dish isn’t necessarily enough to avoid cross contamination. In some cases they even have to segregate a specific dish washing sponge that never touches dishes that have touched gluten.

And yes, for those commenting, “getting glutened” is real terminology used by people with Celiac. Using that word is not just this woman being that way.

My suggestion is to do some research and find out if kissing someone who consumes gluten really can gluten a person. I have heard of peanut butter acting that way in people with nut allergies.

That’s IF she’s that important to you only two months in. There are certainly some ways that she’s expressing herself that seem immature.

moraanda writes:

NAH, some people with celiac are really that sensitive, and if you know she’s getting sick from it, at least you know she’s not lying.

At the same time, it’s your job and passion! While that gives you good reason to experiment with gluten free baking, it’s just not the same. You may not be compatible - she needs to be able to live as normally as she can, and you need to pursue your passions.

The restaurant thing is understandable, most places may be able to make “gluten friendly” food but can’t guarantee there is none at all in those dishes. I understand the fear of that.

Replace gluten with…idk, something like shellfish? Imagine if someone had a severe allergy to something like that, and places couldn’t guarantee the food was free of any trace of shellfish.

I think some people downplay celiac and wheat allergy because of gluten free food being a health trend for a bit. Maybe it’s not anaphylaxis, but would you want to think you’re eating something safe, then end up shitting your brains out?

Even allergies aren’t always taken seriously, I’ve had food brought to me with stuff I asked to not have, and they “fix” it by taking it to the kitchen and just tossing the ingredients and bringing the same dish back.

I end up pissed off with an itchy swollen mouth and throat and have to knock myself out with antihistamines for the day. Can’t eat in a seafood restaurant even if they have some “safe” food like chicken fingers.

Sorry I got on my soapbox there. I just wish that people would take eating gluten free seriously, the whole trendy “gluten bad for everyone” has passed, that food is more expensive, who would eat that way for fun? In this economy?

OP replies:

this is about where i’m at with the situation, coming from the restaurant world i totally understand her situation and the difficulties that happen with this situation. You are so right about the cleaning and not sharing things.

I’ve educated myself up to this point to understand her needs and wants. sometimes i feel like a prisoner of my own ideas trying to figure out ways to make her life better even if i’m not going to like the results.

So far i’ve been the only one cooking us meals( because of my background, i will admit i’m a bit of a monarch in the kitchen) Do think maybe asking her to cook us are home meals could help mediate this situation or is it to far gone, despite what people say on here about her being self centered and a asshole, i don’t see that to be the case.

She is an extremely loving girlfriend and great person i just want her to be happy and healthy at the end of the day. I do believe people on here are one extreme or the other.

oklock writes:

You’re only the AH if you continue this relationship. Let her find someone she is compatible with. You said yourself you guys don’t have this in common, and it’s going to become a huge part of your life. You can’t avoid gluten if you work in a restaurant or kitchen etc.

Break up with that girl. I don’t care how hot she is…with your interests…You don’t want kids with her health problems and she made you feel like she doesn’t like your food etc….You’re young enough and need to meet another foodie and walk your path to culinary school. It isn’t personal.

She needs to be with someone else that is gluten free if it’s that bad. You’re selfish for wanting to keep dating her but not go gluten free if she’s that allergic lol

You wanna have your cake and eat it too lol