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Man finds out why fiancé refused to let his niece be a flower girl; says, 'The wedding is OFF. We're DONE.' AITA? UPDATED

Man finds out why fiancé refused to let his niece be a flower girl; says, 'The wedding is OFF. We're DONE.' AITA? UPDATED


When this man is horrified by his fiancé's confession, he asks the internet:

"AITA for insisting my niece is co-flower girl with my fiancé’s niece?"

My fiancé and I are planning our wedding. She comes from a large family. She has 5 sisters, most of them have kids. 4 of her sisters are her bridesmaids, one is serving as maid of honor.

I come from a smaller family: just my parents, my sister and my niece, Brynn. Brynn is 3 years old and pretty much my best pal. I’m her godfather,I love her to bits.

I didn’t care when my fiancé didn’t choose my sister to be a bridesmaid and likewise my sister was cool with it. I did feel some sort of way because I have all 4 of my fiancé’s brother-in-laws in my wedding party (at fiancé’s request) but ultimately, it’s her side of the party, she can do what she wants.

Then it came time to pick the younger roles in the wedding. Her older nephews are junior groomsmen, the younger is the ring bearer. She only has one niece, Aubrey, who’s 4. My fiancé wants her to be the flower girl.

I said that’s fine, but I also want Brynn to be one. They can walk down the aisle together, it’d be super cute. Brynn loves playing with Aubrey, so they get along.

My fiancé says she wants our wedding to be “traditional” so there can only be one flower girl. I suggested Brynn could hold a sign or something while Aubrey threw flowers. My fiancé said no, she can sit with my sister and parents.

At this point, I insisted and said Brynn would be flower girl. I texted my sister and asked, she agreed. My fiancé got pissed and I said it’s my day too, Brynn means a great deal to me and she’ll be in the wedding. My fiancée and Aubrey’s mom are mad at me, saying I’m stealing Aubrey’s spotlight. AITA?

And now, OP's update:

Okay, wow. Did not expect this to blow up the way it did. Thank you to everyone who reached out.

This morning, my fiancé and I sat down to talk about the wedding in general. I brought up Brynn and Aubrey. My fiancé just kept parroting “it’s tradition, let Aubrey have the spotlight”. She shot down compromise after compromise (Aubrey walks first, Brynn blows bubbles or holds a sign, etc).

Finally, my fiancé was honest. She doesn’t want Brynn in our wedding because Brynn has Down Syndrome. She said everyone will be looking at her, taking pity, etc. Turns out it wasn’t about a spotlight on Aubrey, but my fg fiancé.

I told her to f herself, called her ableist and said don’t worry, there won’t be a spotlight to steal anymore because there’s no wedding.

I’ve left our apartment, staying at my sister’s and playing with Brynn. My phone has been blowing up with texts and calls from my fiancé. Magically she’s ready to compromise now. I need time but am likely done. Y’all were right.

Readers continued to weigh in on OP's story:

feeeh writes:

NTA I know you said that you're "likely done", and FWIW, I absolutely think you should be. She showed you her true colors, believe her.

She's going to be in a mindset of "say whatever the hell I need to say to get the wedding back on"... Hold firm.

Because any second now, she's going to start thinking about having to tell people that the wedding is off... and she's realizing that people are going to ask her why. And she knows the real reason will make her look bad- if she didn't, she wouldn't have hid it from you for so long.

She made up excuse after excuse because she knew that excluding a child specifically because she has Downs Syndrome was awful and would make her look awful. Don't let her try and tell you that she "didn't realize it was bad/didn't know it was hurtful/etc". She did.

I would also think about beating her to the punch re: announcing the lack of wedding.

Because I'd bet money she'll lie and try to say all kinds of things... Maybe that she found out you were cheating, that you were verbally abusive, that you said something horrible about her family, etc. Because any lie will end up making her look better than the truth. And for someone like your (ex)fiancée, her image is everything.

I suspect she will have zero qualms in attempting to utterly destroy your reputation before she would allow anyone to think poorly of her.

I would write up either a social media post (bc that's where she'll try to blast you) or send out a letter, digital or otherwise, to everyone who got an invitation on EXACTLY why the wedding isn't happening.

I'd be very clear that the wedding is off explicitly because (ex)fiancée didn't want Brynn in the wedding due to her Downs Syndrome. That (ex)fiancée didn't want people looking at Brynn instead of her, and that she felt that Brynn's very présence and existing as a child with Downs Syndrome would have been "stealing the spotlight" from the bride.

It may seem like "airing dirty laundry" or like you're being unkind... But as someone who kept details quiet when a family member attacked me (and then had my attacker spin a version of events that many people believed), it's the only way to be kind to yourself and protect yourself from further harm later.

dusaaa7 writes:

NTA and she is literally cutting your entire family out for only hers. This is a sign of a serious problem. It isn’t Aubrey’s spotlight. It’s about the bride and groom only, and not just the bride.

This is crazy for her to be so insistent but it sounds like you or your opinion doesn’t matter in your own wedding. If you marry her, this will be your life. If she cared about you, she would include your niece too.

But she and her family doesn’t. Your feelings do not matter. Marriage is a compromise and she won’t entertain it now, so she never will.

Think long and hard about the future, and if your willing to have your family put on the back burner. I bet she wants all holidays to be with her family and not yours too. Please pay attention to how she treats you now because it will escalate once your actually married.

What do YOU make of OP's story? Any advice for him?

Sources: Reddit
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