'AITA for insisting my niece is co-flower girl with my fiancé’s niece?' UPDATED
"AITA for insisting my niece is co-flower girl with my fiancé’s niece?"
My fiancé and I are planning our wedding. She comes from a large family. She has 5 sisters, most of them have kids. 4 of her sisters are her bridesmaids, one is serving as maid of honor. I come from a smaller family: just my parents, my sister and my niece, Brynn. Brynn is 3 years old and pretty much my best pal. I’m her godfather,I love her to bits.
I didn’t care when my fiancé didn’t choose my sister to be a bridesmaid and likewise my sister was cool with it. I did feel some sort of way because I have all 4 of my fiancé’s brother-in-laws in my wedding party (at fiancé’s request) but ultimately, it’s her side of the party, she can do what she wants.
Then it came time to pick the younger roles in the wedding. Her older nephews are junior groomsmen, the younger is the ring bearer. She only has one niece, Aubrey, who’s 4. My fiancé wants her to be the flower girl.
I said that’s fine, but I also want Brynn to be one. They can walk down the aisle together, it’d be super cute. Brynn loves playing with Aubrey, so they get along.
My fiancé says she wants our wedding to be “traditional” so there can only be one flower girl. I suggested Brynn could hold a sign or something while Aubrey threw flowers. My fiancé said no, she can sit with my sister and parents.
At this point, I insisted and said Brynn would be flower girl. I texted my sister and asked, she agreed. My fiancé got pissed and I said it’s my day too, Brynn means a great deal to me and she’ll be in the wedding. My fiancée and Aubrey’s mom are mad at me, saying I’m stealing Aubrey’s spotlight. AITA?
And now, OP's update:
Okay, wow. Did not expect this to blow up the way it did. Thank you to everyone who reached out.
This morning, my fiancé and I sat down to talk about the wedding in general. I brought up Brynn and Aubrey. My fiancé just kept parroting “it’s tradition, let Aubrey have the spotlight”. She shot down compromise after compromise (Aubrey walks first, Brynn blows bubbles or holds a sign, etc).
Finally, my fiancé was honest. She doesn’t want Brynn in our wedding because Brynn has Down Syndrome. She said everyone will be looking at her, taking pity, etc. Turns out it wasn’t about a spotlight on Aubrey, but my fg fiancé.
I told her to f herself, called her ableist and said don’t worry, there won’t be a spotlight to steal anymore because there’s no wedding.
I’ve left our apartment, staying at my sister’s and playing with Brynn. My phone has been blowing up with texts and calls from my fiancé. Magically she’s ready to compromise now. I need time but am likely done. Y’all were right.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
INFO: Are you two getting premarital counseling to do a general inventory on how you two agree or disagree on other issues.
Because I have a sense that if you two did get such counseling, there would be a lot more issues uncovered.
arturomurphys OP responded:
We don’t have that planned. May be a good idea.
NTA. Just an observation, your fiance sees this as "her" wedding, not "our" wedding. Honestly, if it were me, and I'm maybe just way too petty. I would tell her that either Brynn is in as co-flower girl, or none of your fiance's brothers in law are grooms men (just replace them with friends or coworkers). But again, just an observation, if this is your fiance's reaction... good luck buddy.
feeeh writes:
NTA I know you said that you're "likely done", and FWIW, I absolutely think you should be. She showed you her true colors, believe her. She's going to be in a mindset of "say whatever the hell I need to say to get the wedding back on"... Hold firm.
dusaaa7 writes:
NTA and she is literally cutting your entire family out for only hers. This is a sign of a serious problem. It isn’t Aubrey’s spotlight. It’s about the bride and groom only, and not just the bride.
This is crazy for her to be so insistent but it sounds like you or your opinion doesn’t matter in your own wedding. If you marry her, this will be your life. If she cared about you, she would include your niece too.
But she and her family doesn’t. Your feelings do not matter. Marriage is a compromise and she won’t entertain it now, so she never will.
Think long and hard about the future, and if your willing to have your family put on the back burner. I bet she wants all holidays to be with her family and not yours too. Please pay attention to how she treats you now because it will escalate once your actually married.