Man finds out about mom's 'secret baby,' debates, 'Should I tell our family what I know?' AITA? UPDATED
When this young man is horrified by what he finds out about his mom, he asks the internet:
"I found out my mom is a cheater and has a secret baby. I need the family to know. AITA?"
This situation is really messing with my head and at this point my own mother and grandmother are near enough attempting to bribe me to stay quiet.
So i(20f) am one of 4(or so I believed until a few days ago) there is me, my twin brother Eddie(20m) and two older half siblings ruben(24m) and grace(23f) ruben is my moms first child and grace is my dad's(45m) first also.
So around 2 years ago our grandmother on my moms side had cancer and my mom went and moved in with her for a while to help and care for her, we didn't see her throughout this whole time as my grandmother lives halfway across the country...
plus at the time I and my bro was busy with last year school exams and ruben was staying with his dad in England so nobody could go out to visit, not even dad to see his wife cause he was really busy with work himself.
Mom was gone for a total of 6 months and when she got back she had changed, she seemed very sad and would constantly be all over me and my brother, I assumed she just missed us while she was gone.
Two years passed since then and on a visit home when doing things around the house I knocked over my moms handbag and everything fell out, naturally I cleaned up but in my moms wallet there was a picture sticking out of her with a newborn baby in a hospital bed.
I was confused at first and thought maybe it was her with me or one of my brothers as babies but it was dated from the time she was away with my gran.
I ended up confronting my mom about it and she froze at first but then tried brushing me off and changing the subject but I wouldn't let her, I wanted to know why she was in a hospital bed with a baby around the time she was gone, either she tell me or I show dad I told her.
That's when she started crying and told me everything, she had an affair with another man that's not my dad, she started her affair in 2018, got knocked up in 2019 and gave birth early 2020. I have a baby brother, she had a secret baby and nobody noticed.
My gran knew and covered for her, she never had cancer and she just lied about the chemo and surgeries, how could I be so stupid?!?!?! I'm so angry with her. I asked her about the pregnancy and the other man...
turns out she didn't go to my grans to have the baby but just the other end of town to her AP's house and just didn't leave his house and what's worse is that he AP was 24 at the time with 2 kids already, but at least he was single.
She stayed with her AP and his kids while going through her pregnancy and left the baby with him. I asked more about this man, looked him up and I know him! He is the son of a family friend and I've seen him around town with my baby brother and didn't even know it.
I've not been doing well since finding all this out, my mom keeps trying to talk to me but I either lock her out of the room I'm in or be around my dad so she can't talk about it and whenever she does get a chance to talk to me she does whatever she can to try and keep my quiet...
even tried bribing me with money or shopping trips and even got my gran try and guilt trip me. I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any experience with stuff like this? Any advice they can give me?
Do I reach out to this man and ask about my brother? Do I tell my dad? I don't even know if she's still continuing the affair or if she's in my brothers life at all.
TLDR: my mom had a secret baby 2 years ago with a family friend and somehow the family didn't notice as my grandmother covered for her.
Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
gaga76 writes:
This is going to destroy your family. if you choose to tell your dad it'll eat you up inside and you'll start to hate your mother and distance yourself from her. If you tell your dad he'll most likely flip the f out and leave her.
Honestly your mother is the worst, she deserves everything that comes to her. She cheated on your dad, had a hild and lied to everyone about it and even worse the person she messed around with is a family friend. Sorry but she's a pretty horrible person.
notorious6 writes:
Tell your dad. Otherwise, you will become part of your mom's betrayal. Don't give your mom a chance to tell him first - she will just pressure you or spin a lie to avoid confronting her infidelity.
Sit him down with a sibling and tell him what you've learned. Allow him to be sad and break down in front of you. Advise him to take steps to protect himself before he confronts you mother.
Tell him to go see a lawyer and learn what divorce looks like for him - it's incredibly important to be informed. Follow the lawyer's advice re: evidence, money, assets, etc. DNA test for all kids.
Don't leave his home - make her leave if he needs space. Get IC for him to help him deal with emotions and pain. Shock her out of affair fog with divorce papers. He can decide to D or reconcile after she's been served. Once served, tell his close friends and family so they can provide support for him. Cut grandma out.
lateneough76 writes:
If she had just left and stayed with Gran, gave birth, then adopted out the kid to whoever and came home, that’s bad enough but alright. She made a mistake, she got pregnant and dealt with it. Dad should still leave her, but ok. Instead, she left and moved in with him.
Like, for months, she up and left you and your dad to live with and, let’s be realistic, have constant sex with him, especially there was no fear of another baby. They probably talked about how to make it work and they couldn’t.
In reality, she left your dad for months to be with another man, only returning home when it wouldn’t work. And worse, the baby is still close enough for her to see at any time, at any point.
23andme, Ancestry, the kid will find out at some point who his real mom is. Rip the bandaid, tell your dad. Mom didn’t -just- have an affair and accidentally get knocked up. She went to live with a lover, f him all the time, and then tried to come back as if nothing happened. Just, no.
maryann65 writes:
She has no right to ask you to lie to everyone in your family and that is exactly what she’s doing. Get all your siblings and father together and tell them everything. The secrets have to end.
Think about how you feel about your grandmother for all those lies she told all of you. Do you want your entire family to feel that way about you because now your covering for her also. Don’t let her destroy you like that. You didn’t do this, she did. Stop letting it be your responsibility.
And now, OP's update:
Hello, if you don't know what the issue was then the story is linked above or just read the title.
So those who dm'd me and friends I have spoken with all told me to tell my dad and thats what I did. At first he was in complete and utterly denial and even when I showed him the picture of my mom with my secret baby brother and used the texts my mom and gran sent me as proof.
I had never seen him cry before, ever! Not even when my uncle died a few years ago I never saw him tear up. Eventually my mom came home and my dad just screamed and shouted at her, it was awful. I showed everything to my brothers and sister and my half sister actually got into a physical fight with my mom.
I felt so guilty about saying all this, mom has gone to my grandma's, neither of my brothers are talking to her and when it got out who my moms affair partner was my moms friend group kinda disowned her in a way as he(26m) was the son of one of her close friends who already had kids.
I wish I could just go back to not knowing about any of this. I don't think my family will ever recover, my older half brother is in England and is adamant on staying there, my brother is angry with mom and isn't speaking to her either...
dad is just crying and saying his going to hire a cutthroat lawyer to divorce my mom and mom is distraught blaming me but is demanding I talk to her as she doesn't want to loose anymore of her children.
TLDR: mom had a secret affair baby and grandma covered for her, told dad and everyone has cut mom off, am feeling a lot of guilt.