Man finds out about stepmom's dark past; 'This is going blow up the family.' AITA? UPDATED 2X
When this man is devastated to find out the truth about his stepmom, he asks the internet:
"I just found out my stepmom was dad's affair partner and her daughters are my half-siblings. I'm in shock and very angry. AITA?"
(English is not my first language please excuse typos). When i (22M) was 4 my Dad(42M) divorced my mom. About a year later he introduced me to my stepmom (42F). She had two twin girls( N and D 22F). They married only a few months and went on to have three more kids, G( 16M) L(10M) and S(4F).
My father adopted N and D because their bio father was not involved. I´ve always considered all 5 of them ( N,D,G,L and S) my siblings and we´ve never used step or half to refer to eachother.
When i was 6, shortly after G´s birth, my mom passed away in a car accident and because of it i started to live with my dad full time.
My relationship with my stepmom improved from there. She never adopted me however she, along with my dad, keept my mom´s memory alive by keeping in touch with my maternal grandparents and other relatives...
and visiting her grave with me on special days. I started calling her mom when i was around 7 or 8 and she refers to me as her eldest child ( me and the twins are the same age but i was born first).
After i turned 18 i started to work but i continued to live with my parents. Last week i was in the attic when i found a photo album that i have never seen before. I opened it and i saw several pictures of my dad, my stepmom and the twins when they were babies, which made no sense to me because, like i said we were todlers when our parents met.
I decided to confront my parents about it. They were sit alone in the kitchen and asked them how they met, they told the same story, that soon after my dad´s divorce he met my stepmom though a mutual friend. when they were done i place one of the pictures on the table and told them that i wanted the truth.
I could tell by my dad´s face he understood what i meant. My dad told me that his marriage with my mom was going though a hard time because of my mom´s infertility issues...
one day he met my stepmom and things escalated quickly and when he was ready to leave my mom she founded out that she was pregant but so did my stepmom at the same time, he lied to my mom several times so that he could spend time with my stepmom and the twins, one day he admited to my mom that he was having an affair and they got divorced.
I looked at my stepmom and she was in tears, they both tried to say sorry but i just couldn´t stay in that house any longer. i´m currently staying at my gf´s parents house. I have talked to G, L and S, it pained me alot and G has said that S has cried for me and that just breaks my heart.
I have refused to talk with my parents or to N and D. The three of them lied to me. I feel like my life was built on lies and i am lost, i do not know what to do, i still love my sisters and my parents but they, especialy my parents, have hurted me. so much.
I wanna thank everyone for their input on my situation. I have come to the conclusion that i should talk with N and D, i will send them a message so that we can meet in person and talk about it.
I will also try to meet my younger siblings because i have not seen them since last week, just talked to them over the phone, and i missed them. About my parents i do not know what i will do, i need to talk to them so that i can get atleast some cloesure but i don't know if i will be able to do it.
Read my last post so you can understand. Before anything i would like to thank everyone who commented on my last post. I have seen common questions being asked i i'll reply to them:
My GF wanted to come with me but i told her i would rather go alone. When i arrived they were already there, they asked started to try to make small talk i just asked them if they knew, they started to tear up and told me that they always knew my dad but only knew that they were his daughters when they were 16...
because our parents told them, they initially wanted to tell me but my dad and stepmom pressed them not to saying that if they told me it would destroy our family. I asked how were things at home, they told me that G and L started to be rude to them and to our parents while S was asking about me.
They asked me if i could forgive them, i told them that i still love them but i just need time they told me they understood. I said i was sorry and that i shouldn't blame them for our dad's mistakes, they told me they should have told me earlier, we hugged and cried together.
We said our goodbyes and then i went home, my gf asked me how i was and i just broke down, she held me tight and told me to not hold on and that she was there for me, words cannot discrive how much i love this woman she has been my rock though out all of this.
I talked with my younger siblings this morning and we met at park. I hugged them really tight especialy S, i'm super atached to her and i am really protective of her i tried to explain to her, in a todler friendly way, that i was mad at our parets because they did a "bad thing" and not at her, she asked if i was ever going back home...
i told her i didn't knew but i still loved her. I talked to my brothers to see how they were holding on,G and L told me they had been having a hard time because they never tough our parents could do something so horrible, they told me they missed me but understood why i had to leave.
We spent the morning together and after luch they went back home. I haven't talk to my parents yet and i plan to call my maternal grandparents tonight to see if they knew or not. Thank everyone for their support you guys have helped me a lot.
TLDR about my last two posts: My dad cheated on my mom with my stepmom, my twin stepsisters whom my father adopted are actually his bio daughters.
Yesterday i went to visit my maternal grandparents, first we mad the usual small talk and then i told them i needed to tell them something serious.
I layed it all out, the affair, the twins faternity everything . To say my grandparents were shocked would be an understatement. My grandma started to cry her heart out asking herself how could my dad "hurt my baby girl like that" my granddad was more angry he called my dad and stepmom everything he could think of.
My grandparents always tough that my parents had divorced because they didn't just worked out and because they were young and despite not being their son-in-law anymore they mainted a great relationship with my dad.
After my grandma calmed down she asked me how i was doing, i told her that its been hard but i am doing better now she said she still couldn't believe my dad would do something so horrible to my mom...
my grandpa said if my dad is lucky they would never laid eyes on eachother because my grandpa would do something that would put him in jail, if you understand me.
We spent the rest of the day catching up and talking about my mom, overall it was very intense but opening up to people who loved my mother like i did helped me a bit. Thanks for reading.
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
ajward writes:
First - I'm sorry for your lost. Losing a parent is never easy at any age but to loose your mom so young - that's tought.
Second- your family lied to you for years. Your parents lied to you for years and even made a story to hide their past. Maybe to protect you and maybe to protect them or both- but it's not OK.
Third - your Dad and AP hurt you mom on a level that unforgivable. The hurt they caused her, has been inherited by you in a way and your now hurting because of their actions.
You need to take your time to deal with this and the hurt your heart is feeling. Your angry not only for yourself but your mom. I would recommend getting therapy and working through . As for contact with them. That depends on you and what you mentally and emotionally can handle. They are on your timeline you are not on theirs.
As for you little siblings , they will be OK. Give them time. Also, maybe hang out more with your mom family. Get to know her a little better through them. I lost my mom and I still talk to her and it helps. Good luck!
lilacfit writes:
Your poor mother suffered all that betrayal by your own dad...fucking hell op, if I was you, your dad and stepmum would be dead to me. I'm sorry but I would be going off at them, the nerve of your stepmum to be crying when she knowingly had an affair with a married man.
They're not sorry op, they're only saying sorry because you caught up to their lies. If you didn't find all that they would have taken that to their grave, they're not ashamed that they did that to your mum.
On top of that you've been calling the woman that your dad cheated with mum for years, like I'm sorry but I wouldn't be able to handle that. I'd be so pissed and wouldn't be able to even be in the same room as them, it's f-d up what they did to your mum.
Sorry you found out about your dad and stepmum lie, I would never forgive them for hurting your mum like that. Your dad is a cheater and your stepmum is a homewrecker and they felt not guilt for doing that to your mum since they lied right to your face about it.
Op I know you might forgive them but I just couldn't do that, I wouldn't be able to ever forgive them and I'd cut them out of my life. I hate the fact they got their so called happy ending while your mum suffered from betrayal and heartbreak.
humblemeerkcat writes:
The part I really can’t get over after reading this is the “butterfly effect” side of it. If OP’s mom and dad had still been married then she might have left 5 minutes earlier or later the day of the car crash, or not gone at all. Her whole life could have turned out differently.
Maybe they still would have divorced but maybe not. Stepmom and Dad’s awful selfish decision had major repercussions both for OP and especially OP’s mom. I bet their guilt is what drove them to visit her grave so much. Knowing they stole OP’s Mom’s life is hopefully eating them up inside.
I don’t know how they can look themselves in the mirror. They continued the lie because of their shame. But if they were truly remorseful they would have told OP when OP was old enough to understand.
They should have gotten family therapy, owned up to their lies and told the truth, knowing the truth always comes out. Stepmom should have owned up to the fact that she willingly slept with a married man. That’s a deeply immoral choice. How can OP ever ever respect her ever again.
Or at least burned the photo album. They were totally irresponsible putting OP in an impossible position. I don’t know how OP could ever respect either of them ever again. And how many Aunts and uncles knew about the situation and lied as well. Its so awful.
OP I hope you can go to your mom’s family for support, and go get therapy. Don’t let this ruin your ability to trust. Not all people are this level of horrendous liar. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Please Update us. I truly hope to hear that someday you’ve made your peace, left them in the dust and made a wonderful life for yourself.
remakr6 writes:
I saw some people saying that what your dad did was a mistake back then. Just to correct that part, what he did was NOT a mistake. It was a choice he actively made and continued to make. Someone said your stepmom might not have known your dad was married.
Most likely she did, so she was of course guilty when you found out and cried. There is absolutely no excuse for lying to you all these years. And for people to say that they might've kept it from you because of your possible reaction is seriously just another lame excuse.
For years you were robbed from information that was detrimental for you to know, and for you to make choices, such as calling your stepmom 'mom'.
Mom is a title to be earned, it's not just something someone can expect to be called or claim to be whether they are blood-related or not. Instead, they pretended everything was fine and dandy, playing loving and happy family whilst lying to your face everyday.
Yes, you were able to grow up in a good family and have two parents, but what they did to you and your mom was selfish. Your mom obviously never told you because she didn't have the chance to tell you.
You were also too young to know, but that should've been on your dad and stepmom to tell you the truth once you became of an age where you could understand more.
We don't know the circumstances of your bio-mom's family, if they actually knew the truth. But maybe they thought that it wasn't their story to tell and expected your dad and stepmom to tell you.
I'm sorry you had to find out this way, and your reaction to it all shouldn't concern them and they shouldn't feel sorry for themselves. They weren't the one lied to for years, you were. So whatever you choose to do, what relationships you keep, choose to keep at a safe distance, or cut off, is all up to you and what makes you happy.
I say this because when I was 15 I found out my older sister was actually my half-sister. My mom was in a Christian religion where big families were also seen as wonderful. When she was 18, a married man in his 30's (she didn't know he was married or she was the other woman) spoke pretty lies to her and got her pregnant before marriage.
Once she told him she was pregnant he told her to abort and left her alone, after she was excommunicated from the church. My 17-year-old dad at the time took my mom under his wing and was there before and after my sister was born.
My parents did the right thing and told her when she was young and she was given a choice if she wanted to call my dad her dad or not. To this day, he's the only person she'll call dad and for her, he earnt that title. So, that is a choice you should've been given, and those things should have been told to you.
Please take care of yourself and whatever you choose, I hope it's something that'll make you happy. Ultimately, I wish you the happiest relationships in your life, that'll be built and/or mended with honest foundations.
And now, OP's first update:
My dad and stepmom have wanted to meet me up and talk since i've found out about their affair, i wasn't feeling ready to do it yet, my gf said i should, eventually, meet them so that at least i can hear their side and told me she wanted to come with me.
We( me and my gf) and they (dad and stepmom) decided to meet yesterday, on a public space. We arrived before them, i was feeling nervous and was shaking my leg, my gf held my hand and told me not to worry about because she was there for me.
When they arrived i was looking at the floor and couldn't just look them in the eyes, my dad was trying to ask me things, like how was i and just asked him to explain everything, to moment he met my mom to the moment he divorced her.
My dad, told me that he met my at their church and the moment he laid eyes on her he fell in love and soon after they started dating. My dad said my mom was "a perfect partner" he said she was kind, loving and very concerned about him.
My dad proposed to her on her 18th birthday and she cried tears of joy, they went to get married, my dad said that he never saw my mom so happy until the day i was born, but they had problems having kids, they had a few misscarriages and then my dad started to cheat on my mom with my stepmom because my stepmom...
"could give me what your mom couldn't". My dad started to spent less and less time at home, at this point he had started crying, he said my mom tried her best and told him everyday of much she loved him and how sorry she was she couldn't give him a family.
My father was planing on leaving my mom but she told him she was pregnant, in the same week my dad found out my stepmom was pregnant as well, my dad inicially believed that i was going to be a misscarriage but it didn't happened.
He said that when i was born my mom couldn't stop looking at me crying and smiling at the same time, my dad said that my mom held his hand and said "we finally did it,my love".
I started to cry a bit, my dad and stepmom tried to confort me but i just asked how my mom reacted to my dad's affair and why did my dad waited 4 years to divorce her.
My dad said that during those 4 years my mom became overprotective of me (he gave a few examples like my mom had my crib in their room when i was a baby, whenever i was crying she was the one to calm down and didn't let anyone else do it, she didn't let anyone hold me until i was a bit older...
she wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom so that she could spend more time with me, it took my dad and grandparents from both sides to convince her not to) which caused them to have less time alone and that during those 4 years my mom's sex drive got lower and she didn't got pregant again when they had se%.
When my dad told my mom about the affair he laid down everything, including the twins. My mom begged him not to leave her, making promises she would have more se% with him and if my dad wanted he could continue to have the affair...
and have another children that my mom would treat them well, my dad said his mind was made up, my mom cried and asked him to leave her alone for a while.
When my dad got back home he heard my mom singing my song(context i'm a leo and my mom always sang "leãozinho" from Caetano Velozo to me) he went to my room and peeked through the door and saw my mom in my room holding me in her arms while singing...
after i fell asleep my mom started crying softly probably so that i wouldn't wake up, my dad said she started kissing me in the forehead and saying she loved me over and over again.
My dad told me my mom sleept with me that night and the next day they started to discuss their divorce. My dad said that my mom did her best to not potray him as the bad guy and when i asked who i was going to live with my mom said i was going to be living with her one week and with my dad the other.
My dad tried to guilt trip me, he said that my mom could tell everyone about the affair and could push to have full custody of me but "she understood it wouldn't be healthy for you". I simply asked about the twins, how was their relationship with him before and why did he told them.
He said that when the twins were born my mom was already at home but he was able to visit my stepmom in the hospital, i asked him if he was always the twin's legal father to wich he replied yes, my father said that he would visit the twins and...
my stepmom at least once a week then my stepmom said that they tough the twins should know because they wanted the twins to learn the truth by them. I asked when where they planned to tell me, they didn't said anything.
I told my dad that hia actions showed that he was norhing more than a selfish asshole, that he hurted me, the twins and my mom, all people who he should have loves and respected.
I told him we could never have any type of meaningfull relationship, to forget about being at my wedding or meet my kids. The maximum i could do was tolerating him and his wife for the sake of my siblings,mainly my 4 year old sister.
My stepmom tried to intervine, she said "son i ..." before she could continue my gf replied that i wasn't her son, that she was just my father's lover and that my mom had died. We soon left.
As we were walking home my gf asked if i was alright to which i said yes. When we got home she held my hand and took me to our room, she laid in our bed and buried my face on her chest she said "I want you to know how proud i am, you have shown how much strong and mature you are...
'but you don't need to act tough around me. Please, let it all out." I started to cry as i have never did before. After what it seemed a eternity i told my gf i wanted to see some of my mom's pictures so that i could calm down.
It started alright but then i got to two pictures taken one after another, in the first one my mom was holding me and looking at me with a big smile in the other one she was giving me a big kiss and i just lost it again.
She didn't deserved any of this shit, i wished she could have found someone better than my dad, someone who could have loved and treated her like she deserved.
I'm a little better now but i'm still a emotional mess. My gf was said that she has been worried about my mental state and that she wants me to see a therapist, i told her i agree but asked her to do the appointement because i was not capable of doing so.
I want to thank everyone who commented, who sent me dms and gave me advice. Thank you a lot, it means a lot to me. If something else happens in my life i will keep you all updated.
OP's 2nd update:
So i (22M) am NC with my dad(42M) and my stepmom( aka my dad's lover)(42F) because long story short my mom had fertility issues, my dad cheated on her and my stepmom and mom got pregnant at the same time which means that my twin stepsisters(22F) are actually my halfsisters.
My dad and stepmom have tried to convice the twins and my brothers (16 M,10M) to talk to me,my siblings have refused.
Dad and stepmom have also tried to poisened my sister (4F) against me but my siblings didn't allowed it and i had to explain to my sister why i was mad at her parents.
Since then my dad's family( dad's siblings and parents) and even some family friends have been harassing me and guilt trip me to forgive my dad and stepmom saying things like "they were always good parents" "they love you" and things like that.
I have told them to stop but they continue to message me, especialy my grandma, saying all this crap about "family".
Part of me wants to block them but i am having a hard time doing it. I don't exactly know what my dad and stepmom have told them and i really don't want to go NC with half my family over my dad's mistakes. Any advice is helpful.