Man forbid partner's 'narcissist' ex from family events with his kids. AITA?
"AITAH (M30) for telling my partner (F35) that her ex-husband will never be invited to any family dinner or holiday celebrations with the kids?"
I (M30) and my partner (F35) have been together for almost two years, she has 4 kids with her ex-husband, and they were married for around 10 years. They separated because he was a narcissist, who was abusive towards her.
He then cheated with one of the company's interns. 2 weeks later after the cheating incident, the intern was pregnant and now her ex-husband has a new kid (So apparently this stuff had been going on for a lot longer than 2 weeks).
She also learned that he had been cheating several times before with his clients (He is a relationship coach, ironic, I know.). And before my partner knew about this affair, she had been pregnant and given birth to a baby boy with this guy.
Her ex-husband has pretty much never been available for the kids, and the only time he is doing stuff with them is when he can take "Nice pictures" with them and promote his business as the "ultimate business dad."
There have been so many broken promises to these kids, and they never really had a dad that cared for them, and I think he's an ahole, because of all the things he has done to my partner and by not being there for the kids.
I love her and the kids, and I treat them all like my own boys, and I know they love me back (I witnessed the youngest boy who's two years old, take his first steps and speak his first words, and he also called me dad, which was an amazing feeling I can't really describe).
I think every kid deserves to have a father who cares about them and is there for them. I grew up with an absent dad, and it affected me quite a bit and no kid deserves it.
Recently we had a fight when I got mad because her ex-husband had helped her move some stuff from the old apartment to a new apartment (I was out of the country for work), and the kids were present and thought it was to quote "super fun" to have their dad there helping them move to the new apartment.
My issue with this was that she had told me several times that other of her friends could help her out, but she chose her ex-husband and her dad to help out, by saying "That's the least he can do."
This made me annoyed, and in my world, that was like accepting that everything he had done to her and the kids was "Okay behavior" and that he got no consequences for this.
She told me that it was important for her to have a "good relationship" with the kid's dad and it's good for the kids to see that they can "work together." This led to an argument in which I told her that it gives false hope to the kids about who their dad is.
(The kids don't know about all the things he has done but will probably understand when they get older, and we don't intend to tell them about this right now either) and that it might open up for the kids asking if their dad can be at their birthday or other celebrations. I also stated that I would never be okay with him participating in any of these celebrations with us.
I told her it was a very important boundary for me, and I wouldn't budge on that part, because it would just feel f'ed up sitting with someone that abused my partner and act like nothing never happened.
She then continued to tell me this wasn't about my boundaries, but instead about my ego and that she didn't wanna be bitter about everything. We eventually had a talk about this when we both calmed down and made up.
However the whole thing makes me question myself, was this actually in my place to question, because I feel like the ahole for kind of denying the kids the possibility to meet their biological dad.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this:
Slumbermo said:
NTA - Coparenting does not in anyway mean that they have to be getting together or interacting with each other. Yes in an ideal world coparents would get along, but not when one was abusive. I’d be more worried about why she suddenly seems to want him around, whether he starts to flake out on the kids again.
Unimaginativename9 said:
YTA. They are coparents regardless of their past with each other. It IS important for the kids to see them working together. And it doesn’t have to lead to celebrating holidays and birthdays together. That’s quite a leap you took. And it’s ok to set that boundary and discuss it but you basically went straight there and got upset about a hypothetical.
Studies show the happiest and most well adjusted kids of divorce are ones where the parents can get along and do SOME things together. Too much and kids get confused (“why can’t they be married they are always together?”) too little and they feel torn and confused in another way.
He may have abused her but to say he has no consequences is false. She isn’t with him. But they will forever be linked through their kids and you need to accept that or leave. You can discuss boundaries but you can’t cut him out.
caktz489032 said:
YTA. You’re not the child’s biological parent so you do not get to dictate their relationship with their parents. The bio dad is allowed to, and should make an effort to have a relationship with the kids. If he fails then that’s on him.
But you can’t just kick him out of their life and make them hate the dad bc you hate him. You need to be the adult and let the kids develop their own feelings for their father. Good or bad, based on how he treats them. As the adults you, your partner, and her ex all need to be kind and respectful to each other when you’re infront of the kids, at all times.
And her saying him moving her is the least he can do. That’s facts. If he’s that much of an a$#, yeah make him do hard labor and repent for his BS.
United-Manner20 said:
NTA but if her goal is to coparent with him, then this might be a dealbreaker for her. Whether you like him or not, he is their dad, and so it would not confuse them with who their dad is because he is their dad. If you marry their mother, you would be their stepdad, but you would not be replacing him in that role as much as you love her, and the kids it sounds like you’re both wanting different things.
You said he helped her move into her new apartment which means you guys don’t even cohabitate yet, maybe just end it now. As a mother, she will choose what she feels is best for her children over a partner or a spouse so if her goal is to have him in their lives, you need to reevaluate what your place is.
MazzIsNoMore said:
Yta: you don't get to dictate how she coparents with the father of her children. You can decide whether you want to be in this relationship or not but you have to accept her decisions when it comes to her children and their relationship with their father.
Take it from a step-father of over 10 years: this is not your fight and you have no right to place boundaries here. Your job is to support your wife as best you can, pick up the pieces for the kids when their bio-dad fails them, and be the best step-father you can be.
United-Manner20 said:
NTA but if her goal is to coparent with him, then this might be a dealbreaker for her. Whether you like him or not, he is their dad, and so it would not confuse them with who their dad is because he is their dad. If you marry their mother, you would be their stepdad, but you would not be replacing him in that role as much as you love her, and the kids it sounds like you’re both wanting different things.
You said he helped her move into her new apartment which means you guys don’t even cohabitate yet, maybe just end it now. As a mother, she will choose what she feels is best for her children over a partner or a spouse so if her goal is to have him in their lives, you need to reevaluate what your place is.