My wife and I (both 31) have been married for 8 years and we have two kids 4 and under together. We had always discussed that the size of our family would depend on how we felt while we were having kids but we both wanted more than one.
After the birth of our second child I realized I was done and I told my wife two was it for me. She said that was okay with her but that has changed and it's now causing problems. Six or so months ago my wife told me she wanted at least one more child and I told her I understood but I didn't and couldn't do another kid.
She asked me what she could do to change my mind. She said we could do daycare 5 days a week regardless of whether we're working or not. She suggested using our families to babysit more often so we'd have more time off. She suggested that she would go back to her old job so we'd have more money.
A job that she hated and was glad to leave and she swore she would never return to. One she vented about on a regular basis. While I believe she would do it I don't think that would help us out long term because she'd just be extra stressed.
At one point she even suggested I didn't need to be all in for more than the two we have and she'd understand if I was less hands on with the next baby and child. That horrified me because when she talked about it she said she'd understand that the third child would be the one she wanted and not me and she'd take responsibility for that. I can't imagine having a child and treating them differently.
To even suggest that it would be okay shocked me and I told my wife that. My reasons for feeling done are all different from each other but complete the feeling for me. My wife has already experienced two very difficult pregnancies and when she was pregnant with our younger child I found it incredibly stressful to juggle everything especially when she was hospitalized.
The balancing act between being there for our child who missed their mom like crazy and cried for her, to my wife who needed cheering up and encouragement and support and working full time while also taking care of the kids.
Not to mention during that time her sister and I had a major disagreement because I didn't step up and babysit for her on three different occasions while my wife was in the hospital and I was already balancing a lot. That's a disagreement we have not recovered from either. Her sister and I are civil but not friendly like we used to be.
Another reason is the money. We spend a large amount on childcare already without adding another. Then I think of the future and how I want to keep saving for them. One of our kids has some medical issues and while it's nothing life threatening medications are required and that costs money. I want to be able to put them in activities they enjoy.
So overall financially I feel more comfortable with us having two. The other part is time. We're already busy and I want to spend time with my wife and kids. Both 1:1 time and family time. Some weeks we don't get as much as I'd like and it's a lot of work parenting small kids.
I don't feel like I have the mental energy to add another to the mix. Even thinking about it makes me feel exhausted. I enjoy the family we have now. It's never too much. But I personally feel like, for me, it would be. And ignoring one of my kids would not be an option for me.
I have explained all of this to my wife and she still believes we can figure out something that can make us both happy or work for us both. Prior to six months ago we had discussed my getting a vasectomy and I even booked a consult to discuss it. My wife told me she wanted me to put it on hold when this discussion came up.
And now we've reached a point where my wife has admitted to me that while she doesn't want a divorce, she resents my refusal to give in, and will resent me if I won't have more children with her, at least one more. She told me she won't be able to help it because she feels this burning desire for more kids.
She told me I won't even try her compromises. I told her it's too late to compromise when a child is already here. I told her we can't take a third child back. And I can't be a dad who f*&^s their kids up by ignoring one or more.
So I told my wife she needed to make a decision once and for all. Accept having two kids and work through any resentment so we can try to stay married or end our marriage and she can find someone else to have a third child with. I told her I am firmly done.
My wife told me it's not fair to give her an ultimatum like this. Maybe she's right. But she wants to deal with this between us and nobody else and for six months we have made no progress. She's just growing to resent me more every day because I won't give her a third child. AITA?
Just to clarify a point my wife has a job. She's always had a job. The offer to go back to her old job is her old employer where she was miserable. She likes where she works now but they don't pay as much.
OutrageousBread2991 said:
NTA. If you say yes, you’ll resent her instead. Nobody wins.
chez2202 said:
NTA. Your wife doesn’t want another child. She wants another BABY. She told you so herself without using these actual words. She wants to put the children you already have in daycare. She’s willing to go back to a job she hates in order to pay for it (this is a lie btw, she’s never going back to that job).
She wants to get family members to take care of your children more often so that you can have more time together. Your wife will NOT stop at 3 children if you give in. She will want another baby when the third one gets to toddler stage. Then another. Then another.
PeonyGloww said:
It’s not an ultimatum, it’s a boundary. She’s saying she’ll resent you, which destroys a marriage anyway. You’re not forcing her, you’re giving her a choice about her own happiness. If she can’t accept your very real reasons, you both deserve to find partners who align with your life goals.
Her suggestion that you emotionally neglect a child is a huge red flag. You’re not the ahole, you’re setting a healthy boundary for yourself and your existing family.
ProfessionalSir3395 said:
NTA. If having a third kid is important, she can divorce you and get pregnant on her own.
AmbivalentOctopu%$y said:
NTA. If anything I admire you for having sensible reasons for not wanting to expand your family further rather than your wife who is just caving in to her natural desire just to do what a body would biologically do.
Outrageous-Trouble-4 said:
NTA. She needs therapy. Maybe you both do together. I get that burning desire, I had it. But I refused to sacrifice the two kids I already had, or my marriage. Therapy and time helped. What if third kid is very ill? What if third pregnancy is twins?
Just her suggesting exposing third kid (and the two others to the dynamic of you not caring is horrible and pretty much not sane. Just because reproducing is a biological urge and emotional af doesn’t mean it’s not possible or even a need to apply logic to those decisions.
Feels like she’s blackmailing you with that resentment threat. And it’s a feeling, not a fact, you can work on dealing with stuff like that in therapy. She just doesn’t want to. Going back to a soul sucking job she hates…how will that not bring resentment? Can she be the mom she wants to be while being depleted and worn out from that?
MommaSnarky said:
NTA. Encourage her to seek therapy to work through this. I am a mother of 4. The love of a child is so rewarding, immense and addictive. If she were to think practically, like you, she would see that it's not a good idea. She would see that her proposed solutions are not going to work. Also, friend, not sure what kind of birth control you rely on but be careful.
So I’ll be honest doctors make this problem even worse for women. I had my first child at 35 and was told I was “geriatric”. Doctors make women feel like a time bomb when it comes to having babies especially if they had tough pregnancies. Did she happen to see her OBGYN around the time this conversation started?
EntryOk9946 OP:
No, she hadn't seen her OBGYN around the time the conversation started. This truly came out of nowhere for me. We had been discussing the vasectomy and I had an appointment to discuss it with a doctor. Then she asked me to delay getting it which I did and she wanted another child.
My feelings on not wanting more kids have grown since I realized I was done. I feel more solid in it than I did at the start.
I’m really sorry. I think this problem will honestly just get worse as the years go on. I really hope you both can find a solution that brings you both peace and allows you to stay happily married.
EntryOk9946 OP:
Yes, this is why something needs to happen. Either therapy or if it comes to it divorce because it will hurt our children a lot if they grow up in such an unhappy home. I hate this. I never wanted this. But I can't make her feel differently any more than she can make me feel differently. I would like therapy to happen but I can't force her to attend with me.