Man freaks out when ex-wife with cancer begs him to get her pregnant before she passes. AITA?
When this man is disturbed by his dying ex-wife's strange request, he asks Reddit:
"My ex wife has terminal cancer and she wants me to get her pregnant so she can 'experience the gift of being a mom' and I don't really want to do it. AITA?"
We had an amicable divorce. One of her biggest life goals was for us to have kids. Me too, but it never happened while we were together. I recently gave her a visit and she told me that she wants to experience the gift of being a mom before she passes away.
She won’t make it to see our hypothetical child be born of course, but she said she wants to have the experience of being a mom; and that it would make her life feel complete. I am shocked to say the least. I can understand where she’s coming from to a degree, but it also sounds a little insane to me.
I don’t know if (if even possible.) how pregnancy will affect her, but she told me not to worry about it. I told her I’ll consider it. I feel selfish for even considering it. I think having a child/being pregnant should be intentional, and not just something to cross off.
However, I know I can’t fully comprehend what she’s going through. She will not carry to full term. There won’t be a child to raise.
Let's see what readers thought of OP's dilemma:
questionloyalty writes:
I would be more concerned with her mental health. She is reeling right now. She is mentally not well. Think about what she wants. She wants to carry another human in her belly while being treated for a terminal disease that neither she nor the baby will survive.... all to make herself feel good???
I would Insist on an appointment with her oncologist. Tell the oncologist her story and what she has asked of you and listen to their response. The doctor must know what is happening. The first thing they tell you is not get pregnant. The drugs are harmful to the fetus.
lapross8 writes:
First off, the idea of bringing a new life into the world under these circumstances is loaded with layers upon layers of emotional and ethical dilemmas. It's not just about fulfilling a last wish; it's about thinking long and hard about the future of a child who'll grow up without their mom.
And what about your ex? Pregnancy has its own set of risks and emotional rollercoasters, especially for someone in her condition.
Then there's you, smack in the middle of this, wrestling with a decision that's got implications that stretch into the future. This isn't just about making a dream come true; it's about shouldering a responsibility that's going to shape lives, including your own, in ways that are hard to fully grasp right now.
So, what's the move? Rushing into this, fueled by emotion and a desire to do something beautiful, is tempting, but this is one of those times when hitting the pause button and consulting every wise voice you can think of is crucial.
Doctors, ethicists, spiritual guides – get them all in your corner to help you see the big picture. And let's not forget exploring other ways your ex can leave a mark or connect with the essence of motherhood. There are paths out there that can honor her wish without the complexities of bringing a child into the mix.
At the end of the day, it's about navigating this with as much love, compassion, and respect for the future as possible. This decision is a beast, requiring all the courage, honesty, and wisdom you can muster. The Reddit community's got your back, offering a sounding board and support as you tackle one of life's heaviest questions.
marv115 writes:
She's terminal, I imagine soon will be in hospice so being pregnant would probably accelerate the condition and be deadly here, she's irrational, I would try to talk to the family or her doctors if possible.
kimmymac7 writes:
This is just gross. You would be creating this baby solely for her vanity/whim/whatever with no regard for that child, no idea if it will be viable, if it will hasten the progress of her cancer, etc. and then what if the baby is actually born - she says not to worry about it...
but what she means is she doesn’t care, and she won’t be here to take care of the poor thing. Are you going to raise this child? Are her parents? Will her parents even be around to see this kid off to college?
Will they expect you to contribute financially? This is 100 % narcissistic behavior on your ex’s part and the fact that you’re entertaining this is ridiculous.
inevitableokra writes:
That’s absolutely horrendous. Asking this of anyone is absolutely selfish. Asking someone to help create a child that you know will not live. Does she even care how that will impact her family? Her friends?
They will not only mourn her but their grandchild/niece/nephew etc. it will also make caring for her more expensive, more difficult and her end of life care more difficult. Does she even care how you would feel creating a child that will not make it? The psychological ramifications for you and your family/friends?
I’m absolutely baffled by this. I know some women have tried so hard to give their child the best start of life by withholding their treatment knowing they may not make it but they were already pregnant and loved their baby.
I’m incredibly sad for her. But this is not it. If she wanted to do this she needs to use a sperm donor who has no idea this is going to be the outcome.
xinloxie writes:
Nope. Also, if she is on ANY kind of chemo or radiations you CAN’T. Her, natural lubricant, could seriously harm you as all that is in it.
They told my mom not even to flush with the seat up as it’s dangerous especially to children and it could have made my dad infertile if they were to continue se% during treatment.
It could be the type, idk but this as she said ‘don’t worry about it.’… dude I’d freaking worry about it. You don’t mess around with that stuff. Also just… alllll the no.
aronimacaroni writes:
Is she being treated for cancer? If she’s going through radiation or chemo there’s no way she can support a fetus. Even if she’s not, the fetus would require a lot more energy than her body has the strength to give.
It could easily lead to a miscarriage (Which would devastate her) and possibly lead to a shorter lifespan for her too by making her weaker. There’s no guarantee that the fetus could even make it to full term.
There’s also no guarantee that she could get pregnant to begin with, cancer and cancer treatments make it extremely difficult for that to occur.
At this point it’s less about what she wants and more about what YOU want. YOU would be raising the child from the moment it’s born. YOU would be the single father and have to change your entire lifestyle.
I understand she’s going through a moment in her life where she’s wishing certain things could have happened, and it’s incredibly kind of you to even consider doing such a big thing to give her a child, but that point is likely passed.
It’s very unfortunate she wasn’t able to have that experience she wanted, but the risks are incredibly high right now.