Man freaks out when he receives call from about biological father; 'No word in 21 years and now THIS?!' UPDATED

When this man is weirded out by a phone call from his bio father, he asks the internet:

"I haven't seen or heard from my biological father in 21 years, and I received a phone call. Where do I go from here?"

I'm turning 27 M this year, and my biological father has been out of the picture since I was 6. If the man was to stand in front of me right now, I wouldn't even recognize him. I have very vague memories of him.

The last that I've heard was that he got remarried to someone in Vietnam and had children with her, however, he is residing in the US and have not sponsored her over here so she's still in Vietnam.

So yesterday, I received a phone call from my biological father's cousin. In our culture, I address her as my aunt. Her and her husband are the only people that I know of and keep in touch with on my biological father's side of the family. I'm not aware of any other relatives on his side or even if I know my paternal grandparents.

She called to tell me that my BF was in the hospital about 2-3 hours (driving) away from me (which I didn't even know he was in the US). His housemate had called 911, because he collapsed due to cardiac arrest and keeps having seizures.

I thought she was calling me to tell me that he was in the hospital and was going to try to coerce me to visit, but it was a lot more than what I imagined.

She said that the physician needed the next of kin to make a decision on what to do with his medical concerns, when do they stop resuscitating if needed, and when to pull the plug.

I didn't know what to say. This man is a complete stranger to me. It's like me going into some hospital to the ICU, picking some random person and say I want to pull their plug. This man is someone else's husband and father, but he is not MY father. I feel like I can't take this responsibility on myself.

My aunt passed on the physician's phone number to me and I called her for more information. She said that he is currently on a ventilator and that they have to keep pushing meds to prevent the seizures.

His lungs are failing, and although his brain functions and vitals are stable for now, the constant seizures will continue to affect his brain.

I have no personal feelings for this man. I told the physician that if I HAD to make a decision, it would be based on the diagnosis, prognosis, treatment/cure, quality of life if he survives.

This is getting really long. This is the gist for the most part. My questions that I have are: Do I have to be the one to make the decision? Would I be responsible for his medical debt? Seriously, what the actual f. What would you do?!

Before we give you OP's responses, let's take a look at some top comments:

dagauywe writes:

You are not responsible for making decisions for him if you don't want to be. However, the doctor has a responsibility to ask the next of kin.

So, it may be easier for the doctor if you are willing to sign a simple document stating that you do not want to be involved. That way the doctor can turn to the next next-of-kin without it looking like they bypassed you.

You are not responsible for your parents debts. The only way you could be responsible is if you cosigned on a loan or something.

I really don't know what I would do in your position. Do whatever is the right thing for you. You don't have any responsibility to a parent who made a choice not to be in your life.

agahygare writes:

What state are you in? Lots of states have clearly defined legal hierarchy as to who makes decisions. Usually a legal wife would trump a child so if he’s married she technically would be the correct person.

Even if you are next in line, it doesn’t mean you have to make decisions. Physicians ask you to make decisions on behalf of the patient with substituted judgment. This means what they really want to know is what the patient would want if he/she could speak.

This varies based on age, religious profile, ethical values, etc. which are things you can’t know about this man. You should tell them no and if you feel comfortable you could also say you would let your aunt make decisions (if appropriate)

Update 1:

So I wanted to thank everyone who commented and replied on the previous post as it really helped me feel better about the decision to relinquish my rights as his power of attorney.

On Sunday, my aunt had called to let me know that when she visited him and asked if he wanted to see his children, and he tried to open his eyes and blinked several times so she insinuated that it was a yes.

To be honest, I only agreed to go because I knew I had to do this for myself so that I wouldn’t live with the possibility of regret that I did or did not see him in his dying days (even though I know I don’t owe him anything). It was also an hour and a half drive from where I currently live in Louisiana.

So when I went to go see my dad, the doctor wanted to speak with me, my aunt and uncle first about what to do and who's going to have the power of attorney. I told them I wanted to withdraw my responsibility and then the doctor said that I can give it to someone else.

I gave my aunt and uncle that option and they said they were in the same boat as I was and didn't know what to do either. If none of us decides to hold that responsibility, then the decision will ultimately go to the State and it'll be up to them with the next steps of care.

I also asked if there would be a financial burden to whoever becomes his power of attorney. The doctor said she wasn’t sure but she believes that he has Medicare/Medicaid, but anything not covered by them would be the responsibility of the power of attorney.

So I finally go in to see him with my aunt and uncle and he just seems kind of unresponsive. He has very little brain function and is pretty much equivalent to a person who has gone through several strokes. My aunt was trying to wake him up to open his eyes, and he slightly fluttered his eyelids.

They told me to talk to him. So I asked them if I could have some privacy because I really didn't know what to say. I just kind of stood there for a second after they left and just talked about myself. I felt like I was in an interview or something.

I was just like "hey dad..... it's liveliftlove" and he turned his heads towards me and opened his eyes a little bigger, but I'm not sure what brain functions are still working (doctor didn't have MRI on hand so we weren’t sure what brain functions weren’t hypoxic) and I just started talking about myself.

I told him I’m turning 27 year this, I've gone to college, have 2 degrees, don't have any kids, have a side business, and am currently living in Louisiana.

Then, I said something along the lines of "I know it's been 21 years since you've seen or heard from me..." and then I started choking up because I knew what I wanted to say next but I had a difficult time saying it.

A part of me just wanted to get super angry and say “I turned out okay without you or maybe because you left I became who I am.

You had nothing to do with raising me and the successes I have achieved to this day”. Ultimately I said I forgave him and that I hope he finds peace and happiness in the next lifetime or whatever it is that he believes him.

I saw tears come out of his eyes, so I'm not sure if he heard me and was reacting or if it was just because he had all of these tubes in and out of him and he was having some sort of gag reflex.

It was just kind of hard to recognize him because the majority of his face had something covering it with the ventilating and feeding tubes. I still felt like I was talking to a stranger, but I just hope he knew I was there and that it made him feel better.

I don't feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder or like a sigh of relief. I'm actually pretty okay with whatever happened, and I know I won't have any regrets with that part of my life.

Apparently, he has a group of friends that was also there and they all looked at me and was like “omg, she looks just like the mom.”

I got annoyed after we visited, and we all sat together in the waiting room talking and trying to find out more information and they just kept telling me I'm his child, I need to do this, this, and that and to force my brother to come see him.

I just didn't say anything because I didn't want to be disrespectful. In my head I really just wanted to scream “F YOU and F YOUR OPINIONS, because you guys got to know him more than I ever had and it’s not anyone’s fault but HIS that he chose not to be a part of my life so don’t you DARE tell me what I should and should not do.”

But we found out that they got in touch with the wife in Vietnam and she's trying to come over here to visit and she has been given the power of attorney, so he’s currently on full code until they can get her a visa/sponsorship over here (which he’ll probably pass before that can even happen).

Thanks everyone for reading. I know this update is a little long, but I thought it might’ve been courteous to those who have taken their time to offer their advice.