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Man furious with daughter when she brings his in-laws back into his life; 'You are SO selfish.' AITA? UPDATED

Man furious with daughter when she brings his in-laws back into his life; 'You are SO selfish.' AITA? UPDATED

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When this man is furious with his daughter for bringing his in-laws back into his life, he asks the internet:

"AITAH for telling my daughter she is a spoiled brat and doesn’t know what a hard life is?"

​Okay so background I 40m am married to a 38f. We met in high school. Wife’s parents are terrible. Completely abused her until she moved out at 18. My wife has always tried to be a good mother, and break the abusive cycle. We both have good jobs, they want for nothing, we tried not to spoil.

They have chores, know there manners, are good kids in school. So my daughter came home one day and asked us to go visit her grandparents house, we said yeah because we thought she meant my parents.

But no she meant my wife’s. My wife immediately said no. Then I backed her, and said they will have no part in their lives. She said I was overreacting and that she deserves to meet all her grandparents.

And we were being selfish. My wife was diagnosed with ptsd, and still sees a therapist,due to all the bullshit that she went through. It really annoyed me and I sent her to her room.

I talked to my wife and said that I should tell her what happened. So she understands why we are saying no. That her parents aren’t good people. My wife was reluctant but agreed as long as she didn’t have to be there so she wasn’t triggered.

I went to my daughters room the next day and I talked to her. I said, “look I understand you are upset but, we are not saying no just to say no. There is a lot you do not understand, but I’m going to explain it, so that Mabey you understand more.

Your moms parents where abusive, she was humiliated daily, screamed and terrorized since she was 6 yrs old. Every moment and holiday was ruined by fear, and she almost died on Thanksgiving Day due to her stepfather.

that your mom and her sister still suffer from the trauma and that we will never have a relationship with them. And I hope that she understands now” something along the lines of that. I told her and thought she understood.

Anyway it was my wife’s birthday a week ago and (she doesn’t like celebrating honestly but does it for us) it was actually a really great day. My wife’s sister and our two other children and my whole family were there celebrating at our house.

Until around 7 at night a knock at my door and my daughter went to answer the door, we figured it was a friend of hers. But when she came right back in the living room it was my Mother in law and Father in law.

My wife and her sister both frozen, and they came in like they f owned the place. Trying to be buddy buddy.

My wife asked them in a timid voice and said “what are you doing here” they said “our grand daughter invited us” she then tried to speak up more and tell them they needed to go. But they wouldn’t I got up and went between my wife and them and said to “leave, they are unwanted here”.

My daughter really stood up for them and said that she talked to them. And that mom just exaggerated what happened. And that they where good parents. That’s when my father in law said “that’s right whatever we did to you ungrateful kids you deserved” that pissed my wife off and she shouted to leave.

I went up with my dad and we were going to push him out. But he 64 250lbs at least got us off him and he pushed my wife into the wall her head hit straight back at the wall . She had to get stitches.

As soon as that happened me and my dad and brother forced him outside. And said they needed to leave or we would press charges.

Her mom kept saying that she was a good mom and my wife was dramatic, and she just had bad children. Anyway my mother took my wife to the hospital because we where still trying to get them to leave the driveway.my mother brought her there and back once they left completely.

My wife didn’t say anything the rest of the night, besides thanking my mother for the ride then going to our room. Her sister was really freaked out too and left, right after hugging my wife.

My children were in the living room, and I told my son and my younger daughter to go into there rooms, I needed to speak to their sister. I admit I lost it. I screamed.

Said she was so selfish, and i couldn’t believe she did that. That she still got into contact after I explained what they did to her mom when she was younger. How I was honestly disgusted with her.

She started to cry and say , she genuinely thought I was exaggerating. And it would be good for them to get together. She said she got in touch with them on social media. And they seemed great. How they made everything seem not as bad, and she said she didn’t think they could be that evil and be related to us.

I told her there are evil people everywhere, we have just tried to shield her away. Because parents are supposed to protect their kids.

I was so upset, I genuinely wanted to call her a idiot but I didn’t. But every move my wife did to move past her trauma was demolished by this idiotic decision. My daughter apologized and I said sorry doesn’t cut it. Her actions risked her mother’s health and everyone’s safety.

My wife talked to her and said that she no longer trusts her, and how these are the consequences of her actions. For meddling in something that was not her business to meddle with. She has no more phone and no more visiting friends until she earns that trust again. And we can add a punishment we see fit.

I’ve comforted my wife as much as I can but she’s not great, while I think honestly I went to easy on my daughter, I figured i should have other opinions. AITAH?

Before we give you OP's updates, let take a look at some of the top responses:

frar555 writes:

NTA. Your daughter is, at best, stupid and self-absorbed to an infantile degree. For some reason there's this trope in TV that forcing estranged people into being in the same room miraculously ends resolving their issues - and in the rare exceptions it doesn't it's played for laughs.

Perhaps your daughter wanted to play hero, and was self-centered enough to just ignore the obvious possible negative consequences for your wife and was arrogant enough to think she knew better than you and your wife.

The assault should definitely be reported to the police and perhaps you should talk to a lawyer about seeking an RO. I'm sorry this happened to you and especially to your poor wife.

similar65 writes:

NTA - it must have been a really traumatic evening for everyone involved except the In-Laws. You sound like a brilliant husband and it must be so hard knowing your daughter was the catalyst.

How was your daughter’s relationship with her mum prior to this? Only you would both know if this stemmed from general curiosity or a way to purposefully cause her mum pain.

I’ve seen a lot of really nasty comments about your daughter. She’s 16 she is toxic etc. your daughter has grown up with parents who have protected her from shit like this.

Who have given her a loving and comfortable life. She is emotionally immature to not be able to understand the extent of what happened to her mum. She’s grown up in a safe loving household so would be hard for her to imagine the abuse her mum suffered.

So yes she could be easily manipulated by these people. I’m not justifying her actions but giving some reasons why she could have done this and not had malicious intent. She’s grown up with loving parents and that’s how she sees parents should be: she may have reached out to ask why they did this to her mum? I am sorry this has happened to you all.

fings6b writes:

NTA. Your daughter made a selfish decision. However, while I completely understand your anger, pause before you completely ruin your relationship with your daughter. Yes, she made a bad decision. Yes, she went against your wishes. Yes, she thought she knew better. That's a common teenage misconception.

In fact, part of the reason she thought it "couldn't be that bad" is because you and your wife shielded her from the ugly side of life (not saying that's a bad thing, just that she was sheltered). And making decisions for themselves, not based on what their parents think, is a generally good skill to have for going out into the world.

She was just wrong in this case, but she was also manipulated by wife's parents.

I grew up in an abusive household. I cut my parents off when I was kicked out after a blowout fight, but my biodad guilted me into patching things up multiple times. I'd go back to cutting them off, and more flying monkeys would come for me.

When I had kids my parents swore they'd changed, so I (cautiously) let them play grandparents (I never left them alone with my kids, though). And spoiler alert: they hadn't changed. I regret every day letting them back into my life, because they got the chance to (emotionally) hurt my kids.

And I had to explain to my kids that sometimes, there are people that are not healthy for you to be around, and unfortunately, sometimes those people are family. Sounds like your daughter needed to learn that lesson.

That said, it does sound like she has learned it the hard way and she genuinely is sorry. If people learn from their mistakes and change the behavior, I believe they should be given a second chance to do better, because we're human and imperfect. Good luck.

perpetual7 writes:

NTA - 16 is old enough to know that you cannot invite an abuser into the home of their victim. Yes, she’s still a minor; and 16 year olds always think they’re smarter than their parents in some ways. But your daughter put her mom’s LIFE at risk to try and prove that she knew better than you. And that can’t be without consequence.

Honestly, everyone involved needs therapy for different reasons. The younger kids for whatever they saw. Your wife should get in with hers ASAP to try and get a handle on whatever aftershocks of PTSD she gets from this.

You so that you can get professional support in navigating all of this. And your daughter so that they can hopefully get to the root of why she made such a truly awful decision - willful ignorance or maliciousness.

You need to file a police report, because now that the door has been opened to her parents they’re not going to let it close so easily again. They WILL reach out to your daughter again and possibly your other kids. This may be the first step to get them permanently (legally) removed from your wife’s life.

Once you’ve calmed down, it would be a good idea to sit down with your daughter and a mediator (therapist, family member) and explain to her the repercussions this will have not for her but for your wife.

“I need you to understand that inviting them into your mom’s life after everything I told you is the worst betrayal of trust imaginable. You put not only your mom’s mental and physical well being at risk, but you welcomed known child abusers into a home with children, and they became violent so quickly that your mom was in the hospital that very same night.

You put people’s lives at risk with your recklessness and until we can understand why and you’re able to show us with your behavior that nothing like this will ever happen again, we do not trust you. We don’t trust you to be able to contact people unsupervised, or go places unsupervised. We don’t trust you not to risk the safety of your family for no good reason.”

She needs to understand the gravity of what she did. I get that she’s 16, but if either of my parents had told me anything even remotely like this at 16 I would never contact any of those people in my life. I would be horrified.

I hope your wife (and her sister, and you) are able to get the support and help you all need from this traumatizing experience.

ETA: I definitely don’t think your daughter is a lost cause or a monster. But she showed a grave lack of judgment and she’s old enough to face consequences for that.

One of which is that she has damaged her relationship with her parents and likely her aunt as well. Give her a chance to prove that this was just a seriously bad call, but also make sure she understands the severity of the situation. Best of luck, OP.

And now, OP's update:

Update: More information: we did make a report, and are pressing charges. And will be doing everything we can to get a restraining order. We didn’t call the police because we live in a secluded area and it would take too long for them to get there.

We deleted all my daughters social media’s, and I did look at her text between her and the in-laws. She reached out first. And kept pursuing them. There where 3 messages before that my in-laws ignored until they eventually responded.

Also that was not the first conversation we had with her about my wife’s parents. It was just the first in detail conversation. I told her specific scenarios and events that happened without getting to graphic. But she and my other children always knew that their grandparents were bad.

We had multiple talks growing up when we first started to explain why they only have one set of grandparents. Unlike most of their friends. But we never said anything in specific details about the actual events. Only that their grandparents were bad people, who hurt their mother and aunt a lot.

She told me she’s doing her best and feels bad for distancing herself from her daughter but she’s just extremely hurt.

My wife’s going into more therapy sessions then she normally does, and we have set a appointment for my daughter to see one as well and we will try family therapy to get back to normal.

Anyway did not think this would get so many views, thanks for all the advice!

Mywife’s going into more therapy sessions then she normally does, and wehave set a appointment for my daughter to see one as well and we willtry family therapy to get back to normal. Anyway did not think thiswould get so many views, thanks for all the advice!

What do YOU make of OP's story? Any advice for her?

Sources: Reddit
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