Man is furious when he discovers his wife attended a male strip club. AITA? 'Things have been tense.' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for being furious that my wife went to a strip club?"

I'm absolutely fuming at the moment, so I'm sorry if this is jarring. I (35M) have been married to my wife (35F) for 8 years at this point and would have liked to believe that we had a solid marriage so far. My wife has a group of friends she frequently hangs out with who I know and am on friendly terms with.

They decided to go on an out of city trip and she asked me if it was fine. Naturally, I told her that I didn't mind at all and looked after our daughter (5F) during the 3 day trip.(From Friday to Sunday night).

We've both had trips without the other and there's been no history of cheating or any strange behavior. Imagine my surprise on Monday afternoon when I see her friend update her status with pictures of them at a strip club.

I confronted her and asked her what the hell she was thinking going to one. She defended herself by saying that nothing happened at all but that doesn't inspire me with confidence. How can she just decide that going to a strip club without telling me is fine and dandy?

Things have been tense ever since and I've been staying in the spare bedroom. Now I'm here questioning whether or not this was the first time this has happened or if there's been more secret trips to strip clubs or shows.

Edit: No I haven't been to any strip clubs. It was 100% a male strip club. And apparently it's controlling to ask why your wife went to a strip club?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Successful-Permit237 said:

NTA, if she was upfront and informed you that she was going to a strip club is one thing (I myself would be okay with her going). You finding out by seeing someone else’s post about the strip club, after the fact, would cause tension in any relationship.

l3ex_G said:

Nta strip clubs are a situation where a couple gets to decide if they are cool or not. If she isn’t cool with you just going to one then she needs to govern herself the same way. Not cool of her.

piinklol said:

NTA. It’s fair to feel upset if this crossed a boundary for you, especially since she didn’t mention it beforehand. Relationships need communication and trust - your feelings here are valid.

scor553 said:

NTA. If the tables were turned, how would she react? Especially if you went out with your friends and didn't tell her about it.

tristanxoxo1 said:

You’re NTA. Respect is obviously essential to a successful marriage. She should have known this would have bothered you. If she knowingly did it anyway, then that’s a problem.

Tarasaurus-13 said:

NTA. It doesn’t matter if “nothing happened," it’s the fact that she didn’t even tell you about it. I don’t like that. Strip clubs are usually a thing to be discussed with couples. Your feelings are valid.

FIRST UPDATE:

I spoke with her last night once I cooled off enough and asked her for details. In short, the idea of going to one was spontaneous and suggested by the friend who posted the picture. It wasn't a male strip club, but it is one with both men and women too.

I still called her out on just going along with this and not thinking that I might have a problem with it. She insists it was only harmless fun but that does nothing to help the situation. Just because I didn't say strip clubs are a no doesn't mean they're okay. I'm astonished by her lack of common sense.

At this point I only give a damn about our daughter and nothing else, because now I'm free to do whatever the hell I want as long as it's "harmless." Now our families know about this but I couldn't care less about how I'm supposedly making this a bigger deal than it is. I know for a fact they wouldn't take this shit from their spouses.

I'm close to just muting them for a while for trying to rugsweep this shit before I say things no one wants to hear. I think I'll go up to a strip club in our city and spend a nice few hours there this weekend since it's so fine and acceptable. I really don't care if anyone calls me an AH anymore so have at it.

SECOND UPDATE:

Did what I said I would do and went off to a club on Saturday night. I decided to go with one of my few single buddies just for giggles. In reality I just vented to my friends and stuffed my face at steakhouse.

They agreed that I was completely right to feel angry at her. They have no doubt that their wives would be exactly the same as me if they tried this. I'm still not letting this go, no matter how much anyone tells me otherwise. I'm not interested in shitty excuses or rubbish explanations to this kind of behavior.

Once again, just because we did not discuss something doesn't mean I would be okay with it. By that logic I could go and sleep with another woman because we never discussed if that was okay or not. She's refused to see my point or discuss this further so I gave up on her and told her I was done. I'm going to file for divorce, even if I'll only see my daughter half the time.

Now I'm finally being taken seriously by her and my family but it's way too late for that now. Obviously won't be any further updates, but thanks for giving me your opinions. (Even if I don't agree with them.)

Here's what top commenters had to say after the final update:

Firecracker048 said:

To everyone calling this guy childish or the real ahole, like just imagine if your spouse crossed a boundary, refuses to admit any wrong, then got the family to dog pile on and try to make you out to be wrong.

All she had to do was admit fault, apologize and say she won't do it again. That's it. And let's reverse the genders here. Yall would be livid if it was a husband that did this.

Due_Product8724 said:

I love the double standard women has if married man goes to a strip club it’s blasphemy and cheating but if women goes to a strip club, it’s harmless Fun. makes no sense.

Green-Pool-5869 said:

NTA. If the boundaries weren’t clear and you felt disrespected, your feelings are valid. It’s important to stand up for what makes you comfortable in a relationship. If she refuses to see your point or communicate about it, that’s on her, not you. It’s your right to decide when enough is enough.

gts_2022 said:

NTA. She acted behind your back, broke your trust, and dismissed your feelings. That's more than enough for divorce. Since she good it from you, how would you know what else she's been hiding?

NegotiationEvery5054 said:

Nta. You're doing the right thing. She's shady.

ChestLanders said:

I would not say divorce, but NTA for being upset. I think if you're in a serious relationship with someone and you are going to go to a strip club you should talk to your partner before hand. Some people are okay with their significant other looking at people naked up close and personal and others are not. How often does she do these girl's trips? If they arent rare then this probably isnt the first time.