Man gets called 'work husband' by female coworker; 'My response made her sob silently.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

When this man is weirded out by his coworker, he asks the internet:

"AITA for calling my coworker work-sister after she called me work-husband in front of everyone?"

I (34M) work in a small office and we have about 30 people working here. Mary (35F) is one of my coworkers. We have been working together for 6 years now. We have 6 people in our department, and we have to frequently travel across the state as our work involves overseeing government projects.

We always travel in a group of two. Although my travel partner changes based on the project, Mary and I are generally put on similar projects and enjoy each other's company. My wife also likes Mary. Overall, we have a very healthy work relationship.

On to the incident. Yesterday, we had a happy hour in our office, and we were all drinking after work hours and chatting. It was a group of around 10 people that stayed back. Mary was blabbering about how we both have been travelling together so much in the last year.

She was roasting me for my habits while travelling like always forgetting stuff in my hotel room, being sweaty and stinky when I join her for breakfast in mornings (because I go to hotel gym).

Everyone was laughing and she was making it sound how unbearable I was to tag along (all in good fun). I also told some funny and sweet stories about her and agreed with her saying that I can be difficult to be with sometimes.

Mary came to me and hugged me tightly and told me that she loves me, and I am her work-husband. It was all innocent on surface, but she might have been a bit drunk and just didn't let go of her tight hug. Also, I hate that phrase as I do have a wife that I promised to be with forever, and not just in non-working hours.

After a few seconds, I started becoming uncomfortable and also saw few people staring at us. So, to diffuse the situation, I took her hands off my shoulder and told her, she was my work-sister and that is why I love to annoy her so much.

That seemed to have upset Mary and she left and went back to her desk and was sobbing silently. I tried to apologize to her, but she told me how embarrassing the whole situation was. She said that she just meant work-husband in platonic way, but me calling her work-sister made her sound like a creep in front of the whole office.

She was also angry that I aggressively removed her hands from my shoulders while hugging. I tried to reason with her that I do not like the "work-husband" phrase and also people gave dirty looks when she said it.

So, I was just trying to make sure people do not take her words in the wrong way. We talked for a few minutes afterwards and Mary calmed down. She hugged me again and left.

I felt really guilty afterwards because I can see Mary's point. I made her sound like a creep by implying that she meant something inappropriate when she called me her work-husband. However, I was a bit uncomfortable in that situation and just did not want people to call us that (or assume something wrong).

Am I the AH for calling Mary my "work-sister"? I am sitting in my office writing this and a bit worried if I embarrassed Mary in front of everyone.

Relevant Comments:

Oddly_quirky: You're NTA. All too often, work spouses end up being inappropriately involved and you were trying to head off any rumors. Good on you. I think work sister is a much better term.

Charming-Function-93: You didn't do anything wrong. NTA. To my mind, she raises a red flag by being so upset about it. It meant more to her than it did to you. You may need to set a boundary of not traveling with her.

Mmm_hummus: NTA though you are being far too generous. The reason why she jumped straight to thinking you were calling her a creep, because she knows what she was doing was inappropriate.

'Work-husband' is considered widely inappropriate now. She knows this. You responded correctly. You owe your actual wife loyalty. Mary needs to back off and act more of a professional.

bamf1701: NTA. I think you were justified that whole time. Unfortunately, alcohol can make things awkward for everyone, but you were made uncomfortable by the extended hug, so you removing her arms from you was understandable.

The problem is right now is that Mary is only considering her own feelings and not thinking at all how her actions made you feel.

She did think that such a public display of affection might make a married man uncomfortable, she is only thinking that you made her look like a creep. And, let’s be honest, she did kind of look like someone hitting on a married man after drinking too much.

stophittingthyself:

NTA. Work-sister is 100% a compliment. Work-husband is the stuff that will get a person reported to HR. Mary is waving bright red flags.

You might want to get ahead of this now all your colleagues are suspicious. No more being pared with Mary. Consider telling your wife before one of them does.

capmanor1755:

The best way to know that you needed to set a limit was her overreacting. Sobbing at her desk?? It was time to stop it.

2. If she tries to bring it up again repeat what you said - she's a great coworker but you only have one wife so you don't do the work wife jokes- nothing personal but it's not for you.

3. If she brings it up a second time you'll need to email your supervisor to get written documentation. You just describe what happened (as you did above), when and where and that you'd like them to informally coach her on letting it go.

4. If she brings it up a third time you'll need to go to HR and ask to be taken off projects involving travel with her

I really really hope she can pull it together and that she can join you in cheerfully going back to work. But remember that it's her making this weird not you and your first responsibility is to preserve your own employment.

Update 1:

bout calling my coworker Mary my work-sister after she tried to call me her work-husband in front of the entire office. A lot of you are asking for update, but that sub does not allow me to post update, so I am writing it here.

Thanks everyone for your comments and giving me confidence that I did not do anything wrong or inappropriate.

As I was sitting in office the next day, I knew things would be a bit awkward between Mary and me. Mary ignored me the whole morning. Initially, I was planning to go and apologize to her, but after the post, I decided that I do not need to do that as I should be the one who was offended.

Everyone in the office could see that we were acting weird, and I heard some people gossiping about us. One of the ladies also came to me and asked me if I want to talk about Mary and me.

Around 3pm in the afternoon, I was sitting in my office working. Mary came into my office and closed the door behind her. She was angry at me and started saying that I need to stop being an asshole and stop ignoring her. I told her to sit and to talk about what is going on.

She told me that she feels humiliated, and everyone has been starting at her the whole morning because of what I did. I also stood my ground and told her that I was ok with her making fun of me but calling me her work-husband and hugging me in front of everyone for a long time made the situation awkward. She told me to get over myself and that I should know exactly what she meant.

Mary said that I made a big deal of what was supposed to be a joke and made it awkward for everyone. She said calling someone work-husband is a normal thing and just means that she knows me intimately like a spouse would.

She said that because we spend so much time travelling together, she knows all the intimate details of how I behave outside work. I stopped her and told her that I felt offended by the term "work-husband" because I have a wife and I do not want people to use that term to describe our relationship. I told her that she would not understand as she is single, but as a married man, I really do not want anyone to describe me as a husband in any capacity.

She said that I am again misinterpreting what she was saying. She felt that as we have known each other more time than I have been married, she knows me more intimately than even my wife (I have no idea why she feels that way) and I also behave like her husband when we travel together.

She went on about how we go out to dinners together after work, how I always insist on having breakfast together in morning (to plan our actions of the day), and I walk around in my underwear (referring to my gym shorts) around her in mornings.

She also talked about how we spend hours talking to each other during road trips and how I am the only man she can trust with any secret in her life. She said that I am the definition of work-husband, and I am just in denial. I was a bit angry at this point.

I told her that I do all that because I consider her my friend and she is delusional if she feels she knows me more intimately than my wife. I told her I do not want to hear that term again and it is extremely disrespectful to my marriage.

Only one woman gets to call me her husband and that is my wife. Moreover, if my actions are giving her such ideas, maybe we need to stop being friends.

She became apologetic afterwards and told me that she did not mean to disrespect my wife, and it was not her intention. She apologized to me and told me to just let it go.

She said that she loves travelling with me and she does not want anything to change between us. She again said that I am misinterpreting her statement and just wants to move on. She came to hug me again, but I just told her it was ok and stepped back.

I also talked to my wife about the incident that night. As expected, my wife was angry at Mary and told me that she hates the term work-husband. She asked me if Mary has ever flirted with me during our trips or has a crush on me.

I truthfully told her that I really have not felt that way and she may have just said that because she was a bit drunk and is now being stubborn about it.

My wife said that she feels a bit uncomfortable about Mary now and says that it's strike one for Mary and I need to try and put more distance between us while travelling. If she every repeat the same behavior again, I should report her to HR. I promised my wife that I would try to reduce my interactions with Mary outside work hours and be more guarded around her.

Relevant Comments:

marv115: Mary's description of your relationship sounds really clingy and dependant, she has created a narrative in her head about your conection, the " the only man she can trust with any secret in her life" that's not a work-husband (whatever that means).

You better keep you interactions register and public, this can bite you in the butt very fast

Otherwise-Beat2295: NTA. I agree you should go to HR so they're aware of the situation. I would also suggest no more business trips with her, if possible. The fact that she claims to know you more intimately than your wife is not only delusional and disrespectful, it's concerning. She's only beginning to show her crazy side.

Character_Schedule34: NTA, I also think that if you're married, the terms "work-husband/wife" are very inappropriate. Your wife sounds like a very reasonable person, she's upset but not taking it out on you. You made the right call, and if anything you could even get ahead of the game by going to HR now about the situation.

OOP: Just curious, but what would the HR complaint even be. I feel uncomfortable about the situation, but beyond speculation, I do not see what I can complain about.

MaskedCrocheter:

"hey hr person, I would like to file something with you just so it's on record. At the moment it feels like things are resolved but just in case something else happens in the future I just want to cover all bases.

Here's what happened... Here's what I did about it... Here's what Mary's response was... Here's where things are at now....

I don't want anyone to have another conversation with her at this time because I believe it will escalate things instead of letting things die down. But IF she doesn't let things go I wanted hr to be in the loop."

DivineGreekGoddess:

NTA, I agree with you wife Mary’s reaction was so off and defensive. Instead of owning it and apologizing, she continued to double down and say that SHE knew you more intimately. She is quite the presumptuous woman.

I 100% believe that this woman has romantic feelings for you and all these comments about work husband and the ever lingering hug plus saying she knows you better and more intimately do not speak of someone who has a platonic friendship or professional relationship in mind.

I would not travel with her anymore and see if you can put some distance with her and not have to work with her. This woman is going to cause trouble for you. Her reaction was one of possession over you which comes when someone has amorous feelings.

TrustyWorthyJudas:

Okay NEVER and I do mean NEVER be in a room alone with this women ever again, cause when you go to HR, and you definitely should, in retaliation she could spin any number of accusations against you now, even if you don't think she is capable of that kind of behaviour, your having trouble right now because she is acting in a manner you would not have expected from her.

Update 2:

Thanks everyone for the comments and explaining the urgency of the situation. I discussed it with my wife and have set up meetings with my manager and HR today. I plan to not file a complaint, but document what happened last week and why it made me uncomfortable.

I do not have any upcoming travels this week due to holidays but have to travel next Tuesday with her to a worksite. I will discuss with my manager on what my options are. However, I feel a little distance between Mary and me for some time would be the right solution for now.

Editor's Note: OOP has reported the situation to HR, but he is traveling (today according to the above update!) with her and there could be further issues, so I am marking this as ongoing.