'AITA for giving my son a car when he turned 16 but not my daughter?'
"AITA for giving my son a car when he turned 16 but not my daughter?"
For my eldest son's 16th birthday, I gave him an old car that I hadn't used in several years and had broken down. I also gave him some money to help him fix it, but he had spent much of his money fixing it.
When my second son turned sixteen, he wanted a motorcycle, and I gave him an old motorcycle; it worked fine enough, and he hasn't had to spend any money fixing it yet. This was both of their only present from me.
My daughter's 16th birthday was last week. I know my daughter wanted a car, but I don't have a car sitting around to give her. I gave her $500 for a car and got her some jewelry. I told her she would need to save herself if she wanted a car, and I could help her get a loan in my name.
She has a job, so this isn't out of the question. She was a little sulky about the situation and complained that I had given her brothers vehicles, but understood I wasn't trying to spite her. I have other younger sons I will give the same to when they turn 16, so this isn't me trying to single her out.
I should have thought about how I wouldn't be able to give my younger kids the same treatment as the oldest when I gave him a car. But he's significantly older than my other kids, so I wasn't thinking of them when I gave him the car. I was trying to do something nice for him.
Although my daughter isn't too bummed out over the car, my ex-wife is a different story. She's seen me give the other boys nice things for their birthday (my eldest is her stepson) and thinks I'm treating her differently because she's a girl and I always prioritize the boys. My daughter was more upset about the lack of a car than I had thought.
She thinks I should at least put more money towards our daughter getting a car as she knows I can afford it and am being an a** by not getting her one. I told her that she could also give our daughter money for a car. I could probably afford to put more money towards buying my daughter a car or even find a cheap used car to buy her.
But by giving her the $500, I already spent more directly on her birthday present than the boys, as their gifts were sitting around collecting dust in my garage. I can't remember how much I gave my son to fix the car, but it was max $250. I have three younger kids I can't continue to set a precedent that I'll buy each of them a car. Am I being the a**hole? I feel like I ruined her birthday by letting her down.
Here's what people had to say:
Comfortable-Set-819 says:
You gave your boys something worth more than $500 and some jewelry. You gave them freedom. YTA (You're the A**#$le).
OrangeCubit says:
YTA - you gave BOTH sons vehicles and I bet both were worth more than $500. You blatantly favoring your sons. How did you expect her to feel about this?
txa1265 says:
YTA - please take the time to estimate the replacement value of a working car and working motorcycle, and use THOSE numbers rather than assuming zero value since you owned them. That is not how assets work.
Also, giving jewelry when you'd already established a precedent (2 for 2 on 16th birthday is rock solid) of giving vehicles is pretty sexist and sends a pretty clear message about what type of person you are.
It always puzzles me when parents openly favour their children who are less likely to care for them in old age. It's almost amusing when they are surprised that their daughters have feelings about their unfair treatment and want to live their own live, careers, etc.
Colo-rectal Surgeon [34]
NAH - You and you’re daughter reached a logical decision, but she’s still allowed to have the emotion of disappointment. You would do well to acknowledge that, and help her formulate a plan with discrete steps towards her getting some wheels with some of your assistance.
You don’t mention it, but was there also some father-son time in repairing vehicles and learning to operate them? Is that also “part of the gift” that she was expecting? One on one time with dad that acknowledges a significant birthday and approaching adulthood?
OP responded:
My son and I did work on parts on the vehicle together. However, my daughter avoids my workshop at all costs so I doubt she would want to work on something like that together. But we are also taking a trip this weekend just the two of us, which should be a similarly bonding experience