Man's GF confesses; 'Your dad is weird when you're not around;' mom says; 'You're overreacting.' UPDATED

When this man is upset with his dad and isn't sure what to do, he asks the internet:

"My dad was being weird to my GF and my mom is defending him. What do I do?"

I (21M) never experienced something like this before so I’m feeling really crushed. My dad was always like my hero somebody to look up to. My girlfriend I’ve been with over a year only seen my parents a couple of times.

We moved in together during covid and it’s serious. I really wanted her to get along with my family like I get along with hers.

Last time we went over was last week on Saturday then Sunday morning after breakfast she tells me she got something to show me and says what was happening after I drove my mom to the store to pick up more stuff.

She took out a video of my dad with her and he’s acting really weird. But I could tell my girl was nervous the way she was talking. He was telling her she’s really beautiful and saying all this super gross stuff he would do if he wasn’t married.

It made me really mad and my girlfriend in the video sounded really nervous and she told him well they won’t do any of that even if he wasn’t married. Then sometimes the camera would move away from him like she’s tryna get away and he would move closer anyways.

It goes on like 5 mins, him asking if he could have a kiss, and all this other stuff it just made my stomach twist up and I’m really mad. My girlfriend told me she was sorry and I’m like wtf?? I told her I’m sorry and we not going back again I promise.

I told my mom about it cause idk if I could talk to my dad w/o wanting to beat the sh& out of him and I’m shocked by how she being. She seen it but she says my dad says he doesn’t remember and he was obviously drunk.

But that’s not true (it wouldn’t make a difference even if he was) we know he only had max like 3 beers which is nothing to him. He’s saying he’s sorry for making her uncomfortable he didn’t know what he was doing.

Now I’m @ both my mom say he didn’t do anything wrong and we’re making a big deal by saying me and my girlfriend aren’t going to see them anymore.

All week she been calling me to say my dad is hurt by this and they didn’t think I’d be so willing to drop them over a misunderstanding. Idk what to do anymore because I need to support my girl but it hurting me that they don’t see how fd up what my dad did is. Like how do I handle this situation with them?

Before we give you OP's update, let's read some top responses:

ugham writes:

OP I'm sorry you have to face comments where people are defending your dad saying he may be drunk or cut him some slack. My suggestion would be to stay away. You're making the right decision to move away.

Your partner is important to you more than your own blood who committed such a disgusting act and let's assume your dad was somehow losing his mind, your mother defended such behaviour which is sickening.

Cut them off and be away. Your partner plays a huge role in your life right now and you can't stay in the same place where she and you feel uncomfortable and mad. Doesn't matter if its your parents. People try to guilt trip and say "oh but they are family". Well guess what family doesn't do this.

Stay away, do your thing. Might take a while for things to settle down but take the step in the right direction. Don't go back, avoid confrontation of any sort so it doesn't escalate. Be firm in your decision and just leave.

The longer you keep up with this the more it will eat you out and would also make things for your relationship with you partner. Don't lose someone you are seriously willing to spend your life with over such a disgusting thing done by some very close people to you.

kikiv612 writes:

NTA. Your dad attempted to sexually assault your girlfriend, which is more than inappropriate. It's just downright heinous! It is wrong regardless of whether or not he was drunk.

Your mom's reaction to this shows that this is most likely not a surprise to her. This has probably happened before.

This isn't a case of he said she said. You have actual proof.

Of course it is upsetting the way that both of your parents are reacting. They are your parents and you obviously expected a different reaction, especially from your mom.

Unfortunately, this is a very good reason to step away from them until they can both take responsibility for their actions. Your dad needs to do more than apologize. He needs to get help, especially if this is not the first time.

hpot writes:

Your mom is in denial and your dad is a creep. I would distance yourself from the both of them and go low to no contact with them. If your dad is acting this way towards your current girlfriend then he will act this way towards any future girlfriend/wives. Also I call BS on him forgetting what he was doing.

He knows what he did but he was caught so he’s trying to act as if he doesn’t know what he did. Your mom is trying to guilt trip you right now. Your dad should feel bad because he has betrayed you and your mother. He hurt your girlfriend and doesn’t regret it. He just regrets getting caught.

agistated7 writes:

Man, you are getting so much terrible advice here. I’m going to give you mine in the hopes it isn’t lost in this mess. This is from someone who was married to a sexual compulsive husband for 15 years, and who also walked away from an abusive mother almost two decades ago....

Your father knew what he was doing, and he got caught. There’s no excuse, but he will make up plenty and do ANYTHING other than admit it like a man. You idolized who you thought he was.

You don’t know the depths of his sexual issues, so I would never allow him near a girlfriend, wife, OR daughter. Never. The fact that he immediately behaved that way the first second he was alone with her tells me his issue is massive, uncontrollable, and has been going on for a very long time. Which brings me to your mother......

Spouses of se%ual compulsives are in an abusive marriage. Mental and especially emotional abuse. What your mother is doing is a knee-jerk reaction to a long-standing problem.

This is how she has learned to cope without having a breakdown, LONG before this happened to your girlfriend. She lies to herself. “He was drunk, he didn’t know what he was doing, etc” That helps her compartmentalize that behavior so she doesn’t associate it with him when he’s “good”.

Her saying that to you was also her convincing herself. This is not her fault, but how she’s dealt with it for decades probably. If it were me, I’d tell her she needs to sit down and tell you what is actually going on in order to salvage her relationship with you. Honesty.

It will be hard for her to hear the truth come out of her own mouth if she is willing to talk to you. She needs therapy and a divorce, but that’s her problem-not yours. Realizing she may lose her son may be the catalyst for her to take some big steps.

Take all the time you need before you address anything. You may start piecing things together from your childhood that you witnessed your father do to women, but had no reason to question it. Take time.

afteremaya writes:

To me, it's pretty simple. Your dad is creepy, he crossed a line beyond the limits, and may as well go even further, who knows what can happen in the next time, I just know one thing. I'd never, ever put my partner in this dangerous situation ever again. Like, imagine letting your partner eating or drinking something they made contact with? No, just no.

You'll simple have to choose between your partner and your parents who are threat to your GF. It's simple as that.

Whit that video in mind, I would even try to get a restriction order, which is probably not possible, but at least the police will be alerted.

Like seriously, you already moved out of their house, don't need to have any type of contact with them.

I'm just thinking about what could happen if this video didn't exist, tbh the most cases reported here, doesn't end well, family is complicated and people can be blinded and not believing the victim, wich everything I read about it, makes me sad.

And now, OP's update:

Well I just wanna thank everyone from my last post for giving me ur thoughts and what I can do about the thing with my dad. I haven’t talked to any of them for a few wks. But something happened then suddenly my dad changed his story.

So me and my girlfriend learned something pretty cool this week. She was like 3 days late on her period so she took a test. And they all came positive so we’re definitely pregnant.

We’re nervous/excited about it. We didn’t expect that rn but yeah we just getting ready. Thing was my cousin was there at our place when my GF took the test and we were so focused on the fact that she’s pregnant and getting all excited. I didn’t think to tell mr cousin don’t tell my parents.

But guess she thought I would’ve told them already and let it slip. My mom was tryna reach out again non stop then this time my dad too. He told me he’s sorry but he really wants to be part of my life and our kids.

NOW he saying he’s sorry for LYING about being drunk and he don’t know why he did that but that he guesses he was embarrassed about what he did to my GF.

He never planned to actually do anything with her like that something that matter. Now he saying he gonna “work on himself “ when before there was even a baby in the picture he wanted to stick to his lie about not remembering what he did and “being too drunk”. Now it admitting he was fully sober.

I knew that was a lie already but having that confirmation idk it made me more mad. And sad cause he knew exactly what he was doing scaring and being a creep to my girlfriend like that.

With his own kid’s girlfriend. I hated that he was making me cry on the phone hearing him cry like that. He wanted to give him another chance, I told him they not allowed around me, my girlfriend or our kid and hope he knows just how big he fucked up and never do that to anyone else.

It hurt me saying bye to my dad. And he better not try to come around cause I won’t hold back this time even if my girlfriend’s there. I can’t forgive something like that or let him be around my her.

She was really supportive after I finished talking to him we both just cried together for a little bit then I felt better. Kinda feel bad that she over here trying to make me feel better.

And then I had to tell my cousin why I didn’t tell them but she gotta keep this from the rest of the family. I don’t wanna deal with everybody else yet. Right now I’m still sad. But also tryna be happy I’m gonna be a dad and get ready for all that.