Man plans to fully ghost wife and stepdaughter after finding 'incriminating texts.' AITA? 5 MAJOR UPDATES.
When this husband goes through his wife's phone and decides to leave her with no warning, he asks Reddit:
"I am leaving my wife tonight. AITA?"
I’ve been with my partner for 3 years now. As always things started off great she has a daughter that I’ve grown to love as my own even though her bio dad is still in the picture.
I dropped everything for them, I got a bigger apartment, I switched jobs to make more money I changed everything to give them the peace of mind they deserve, it was all better than I could have ever imagined until this weekend, that’s when I found out she’s been cheating me with her sister’s roommate.
She didn’t have a great relationship with her sister when we first met and I encouraged her to rekindle it because I knew it bothered her. Her sister is a free spirit, rarely holds down a job, drinks and does absurd amounts of coke and x just to pass the time.
She lives with 4 guys who her and my partner have known since middle school, they seemed cool enough the few times I’ve hung out with them so whenever she wanted to go hangout with her sister I wouldn’t bat an eye.
I found out during our camping trip for Memorial Day weekend, when she was in the bathroom with her daughter I grabbed her phone to look at some of the videos she had been taking but admittedly curiosity got the better of me and I went through her messages and that’s when I saw her texts to the roommate.
I felt almost paralyzed, it almost felt like I was going to blackout but I somehow managed to gather myself and chill out I took some screenshots of the texts to have as proof and put her phone back in her bag.
I didn’t say anything to her we only had a few hours left before we came home and I wanted to spend those hours with her daughter.
The past few days I’ve been thinking of what to do and the best solution I can think of is just packing my stuff up and ghosting her, I am quitting my job tomorrow morning and after she’s left for work I’ll grab my stuff and leave her with a print out of the messages I read. I’m still in a daze.
My whole life is gone now, the future I saw for us is nothing and I’m not sure how to process all of this still. I’m calling my brother a few states away to see if I can stay with him and set up shop elsewhere. Tonight though I have to lay down next her and I’m not sure I won’t break down knowing what’s coming.
Before OP provides his FINAL update, he gives us four lengthy updates about the situation:
Here is OP's first update:
Update: First I want to thank everyone for their kind words and advice. I am doing the best I can right now. I am meeting with my boss in a hour or so to wrap that up. I am also taking the advice of talking to her babies dad about me leaving, we have always had a good relationship and I want to give him a heads up on what’s coming.
As far as the apartment goes we only have 3 more moths on the lease and I am planning on paying for the remaining months mainly so her daughter has somewhere to stay for the time being.
I made sure she knows that I love her and always will, holding her this morning knowing it was the last time I would ever see her was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done and it took everything inside of me to not sob while doing that.
I’ll update later once I have all my stuff and am away from the city. Thank you guys you have no idea how comforting it is to have your kind words to come back to.
OP's second update:
Update 2: I know I said I would update when it was all over but you guys are right I should have a talk with her daughter before I go so when her bio dad picks her up from day care I will be meeting them and talking to her in person before I go. It means a lot that he is letting me do this and hopefully it’s just enough closure for her.
OP's third update:
Update 3: I met up with bio dad and the little one. You guys were right I really needed to have that conversation with her to let her know that even if I’m not there that I’ll always love her and that it isn’t her fault that I am leaving. I did cry. I cried a lot actually.
I know I’ll eventually fade from her memory and just become someone she has vague memories with but I’ll remember her until my last breath, I never knew I wanted kids until she came into my life and showed me what true and pure love is.
I thanked her dad for letting me have that moment with her, I gave him that Disneyland picture in case she ever asks about me.
He is aware of what went down and who my ex is spending her time with. As for my ex I left the screenshots on the kitchen table along with my key to the apartment. I’ve blocked her number and my family did the same, I also blocked any mutual friends numbers in case she tries to reach me through them
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It’s crazy that I’m leaving behind the last 5 years of my life but I honestly can’t stay here. My brother is taking me in out in LA until I figure out what my next move is. I am off all social media and once I get to my brothers I’ll change my number. I’m sorry if this update is anti climatic but that’s how I wanted all this to go down
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I’ll update you guys when I am all settled down. I do just want to say that I loved them with every ounce of my being.
I’ll miss the walks around the apartment complex, the random trips to Walgreens, watching Sofia the first until I memorized the episodes by heart, especially coming home from work and feeling like I mattered, feeling like I had a purpose and that no matter what went on during my day that all of that wouldn’t matter once I opened that door.
I’ll miss all of it but I know deep down I have to let go. Be safe everyone I’ll try and update this soon.
OP's fourth update:
Update 4: I want to thank you guys for all the support and even the few negative comments that I got on this, it’s nice knowing I wasn’t completely alone through the early parts of this whole situation.
I am at my brothers now and still getting set up but I’m hopeful that things will get better with time, I’ll be honest it’s brutal right now and i still get flooded with sadness constantly.
On the drive here I had to finally pull over and let it all out, I’m sure right now we would be having dinner or watching a movie and instead I’m on my brothers porch trying to not cry while I type this out. I haven’t heard anything from the ex yet which is helping but knowing her she’ll try and find a way to reach me.
Everything reminds me of them, I saw a little mermaid poster earlier and almost lost it, I never got to take the little one to see it and that just kills me. I do wonder though what I was missing or where I came up short for this to happen? I’ve run circles around it and I can’t explain it.
I hope I heal fast from this because I’ve got a whole life to live. I hope I did enough for the little one to not have been hurt by all this, I hope she keeps a sliver of me in her memory and I hope she is loved like I loved her.
Again thank you all for the positivity and the encouragement. I’ll make it out of this, I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. Maybe I’ll update this sometime in the future or feel free to send me a message. Be safe and I wish everyone the absolute best.
Before we give you OP's final update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
nokaleidoscope writes:
I do really believe ghosting cheaters is the way to go. Although, as someone here said, if you have a contact for the baby's dad, you should reach out on your way out of town to let him know what happened so he can be prepared to help her in any issues that may arise.
I would also mention your exs new relationship with her dopped up sister in case she is also partaking in that and he can be aware to look for signs.
Good luck, and I hope you take some time to process and heal and move on to a happier life.
lolzvfunny writes:
This is what I would do. Text her in a group chat with her, her sister and the roommate, with the screenshots with some text.
“Before I leave forever and wipe you from my life, all I want to know is what kind of monster does this to another person they are building a life with and supposedly love? Were you all fg while I was at home taking care of your daughter too? Who treats people they supposedly care about like this?”
And then just sit back and watch the havoc unfold. Let that asshole feel her world crumble as she crumbled yours. She’s likely gonna gaslight you and make excuses and ask for another chance… and that’s when you can just smile and leave.
synn8 writes:
I'm a coperant, and my ex is a cheater(why we split). The only thing I would say is if he is a good dad, it is to give him a heads up after your leave. This way, he can damage control with the child.
Even tho she knows you were her mom's BF, there was a bond, and this can be damaging for a child. I would hope her dad is a good dude and will do what he can to get ahead of that damage.
Otherwise, F her man. She will have a meltdown over this, so be prepared for that. As I'm sure she is about to lose a lot more than just her BF based on what you have stated.
zelousideal writes:
Hey bro listen. When I found out, it was my ex-wife's coworker. This was two years ago and they are still together. But do you know what really helped me? Like, a lot. Knowing that my ex-wife is a covert narcissist.
And I'm kind of wondering if maybe that's what's up here? They are very good liars and manipulators. It helps knowing that not everybody experiences empathy the same way that we do.
Not everybody values us the way that we value them. And it's not a reflection of us, doesn't mean we did anything wrong. Because no matter what you do right, with people like that, they are always going to do the exact same thing no matter who it's with and no matter how perfect you are.
So you didn't do anything to deserve this at all. Some people are just very selfish and don't think about the things they do and how that can impact other people. Definitely stay no contact with your ex. I guarantee you will just try to manipulate you and feed you a bunch of bullshit.
You are doing what is best for you, And honestly right now that's all that matters. Little one will understand when she gets older and most likely resent her mother for it. Just know that all that love that you have to give, when you start a family of your own, you're going to have one lucky kiddo on your hands.
I already know you're going to be a great dad. I'll tell you the same thing that other people have told me. The best revenge that you could ever possibly get on that woman, is success. Moving on without her. And building the life that you have always dreamed of, That's how you make her sorry that she ever fd up like that.
sadcomfort7546 writes:
Man, it really sucks. I feel for you. I’m not normally a fan of “ghosting” people - but I think in this situation, the way you handled it - talking to the bio dad, taking time for the daughter, and just leaving - is probably for the best.
Especially considering “she went crazy for a few days until her family came and got her”. There’s really no good outcome I see if you were THERE for that and going thru it WITH her, and having a kid involved.
That’s how cops end up called for a domestic dispute. All I can say beyond that, is as much as it sucks - it sounds like you have a good grip/outlook on things.
It takes time, but like you said at one point - you’ll eventually think about it less and less, until you realize you don’t think about it at all any more. Good luck.
And now, OP's final update, which he provides months later:
Hello everyone. I want to again say how appreciative I am for the positive comments and messages I’ve gotten, they have really helped out in keeping me at least sane during this whole ordeal. I am settling in as well as I can here in LA even though it’s a bit crazy it has helped to distract me.
I have not spoken to my ex still but I did hop on a call with my old landlord who said that my ex did go a bit crazy for a few days after I left but that eventually her family came and moved her out and that he has not heard from her after that.
I’ve thought about calling her daughters bio dad to check in on the little one but i keep reminding myself that I’m not really ready for that yet I also don’t want to give her hope that I’ll be coming back around, plus that’s not really my role anymore as sad as it is to say that.
I’ve given myself time to really feel everything I needed to feel for the time being, the sadness, the anger, the anxiety, the confusion, all of it. I did wonder how I was going to manage to put it all back together but everyday that passes it gets easier.
I know a day will come where I completely stop thinking of her completely but for now I find her in a lot of what I do, her laugh, her aroma, her smile, everything. Some of the best times of my life were with her at my side and it almost seems like I’m in a bad dream that I’m due to wake up from.
I sincerely hope that she matures from this because she has a little girl depending on her, a little girl who looks up to her and loves her.
My brothers condo is near Disneyland and seeing all of the families walking around is a bittersweet thing for me, bitter because I wish that were me but sweet because I know that will be me. Again thank you to everyone for your kind words I wish you all the absolute best.