Man gives his wife an ultimatum: 'we go to counseling or we divorce.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my wife we either go to marriage counseling or I file for divorce?"
My wife (31f) and I (32m) have been together for 11 years and married for 6. We have three young kids together and our marriage is falling apart and my wife doesn't want to change a thing.
One of our biggest issues is the topic of more kids. My wife has decided three is nowhere near enough and she wants to have several more children. At least three more she says, but she likes the idea of even more than that. While I'm done with the three we have. She has tried to tell me we'll be having at least three more kids and there's nothing I can say or do to stop it.
So we haven't had been intimate in five months. She has called me an ahole, has accused me of hating our kids and when I tell her to stop saying it she says I must hate them to not want more of them. She shuts down any concerns I bring up and she never has an answer to where we'll get the money or time for 3+ more kids.
Her last delivery was difficult and they told us they wouldn't recommend many more pregnancies for her. She doesn't care and she told me this. She says not giving in makes me manipulative.
One of our other big arguments is over time with the kids. We both work and I feel like we should both be involved with the kids and taking care of the house. She tries to hog all the time when we're not working. She has told me she doesn't want me to take time with our kids from her and I have told her I just want to spend some time with them too.
The times I do have the kids she acts like she doesn't get to see them for weeks even though we live in the same house. I leave her to do everything else even though I do my fair share. I have tried to suggest we figure out a schedule or just do things as a family but she says I'm not going to take over the kids and leave her cleaning after work.
I can't bring up sharing time with the kids and chores because she's not okay with it being mentioned. Another of our big issues is money. We disagree on how we spend, save and utilize the money we earn. It actually comes back to the topic of having more kids and how we spend time with our kids now. She doesn't have any concern for financial stability and I do.
There are other smaller things we fight about too. None of those are as frequent or as long standing. But for a year now our marriage has been falling apart and she speaks to me like she hates me 80% of the time. c or talking things through because she resorts to name calling.
After trying to speak with her and asking for therapy before and her turning me down flat I reached the end of the line. I started therapy on my own and booked us a marriage counseling session but she didn't show.
After a few more individual sessions I told my wife it's either marriage counseling or divorce because I don't want to raise our kids hearing these daily fights and feeling caught between feuding parents day after day. My wife said it wasn't my call to say either or and if I really cared I would be fighting harder for our marriage. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
ElectricalDay1151 said:
Get a divorce. It's not going to get better. She obviously doesn't understand how marriage and children work. Having additional kids is a two "Yes" situation, not an "I'll have more kids against your wishes" situation.
Frequent_Couple5498 said:
And asking her to go to marriage counseling is op fighting hard for his marriage. But she doesn't seem to understand that. She sounds like she is very hard to live with and makes absolutely no sense. Like why can't they both spend time with the kids together as a family? Why is she being so difficult about that? She is being so unreasonable. NTA.
FlyLegitimate5424 said:
This. Not to mention the financial aspect - kids are expensive. I doubt if she genuinely loves the kids you already have, nor will she love any extra ones - she seems to think they are collectibles. I've got two kids and adore them (also, they're both girls so, as a dad, I spoil them shamelessly) but the idea of having more gives me anxiety just imagining it!
ElectricalDay1151 said:
Additionally, you have been fighting for your marriage. She wants complete and total surrender to her thoughts and feelings. Again, that doesn't work in a marriage. Marriage is about compromise and working through issues. Your wife is out in left field and I wouldn't touch her in any way considering that you may have another child as a result of your encounters.
ApricotBig6402 said:
She's calling you manipulative when she is the one manipulating. She's saying you don't get to decide if your marriage is done...she refuses therapy. At this point I'd get a few consults and draw up papers. Show her you're serious. NTA.
GoddessfromCyprus said:
NTA, does she realize that if you divorce she'll have even less time with the children and will be totally responsible for the house etc? If she's refusing therapy, marriage guidance etc, it doesn't leave you with many options.