Man goes 'all out' for co-worker's Secret Santa, wife calls him out. 'He made me pick my own birthday gift.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my husband it's not fair he went all out for a co-worker's secret Santa but made me pick my own bday gift?"
My (30F) husband (32M) has always been a great gift-giver, but in the past few years he has not nearly put in as much effort. We've been together 10 years. One birthday he gave me custom engraved necklaces of our dogs and I loved it.
This year for my birthday he asked what I wanted (which I hate) but I ended up picking out my own bag and ordered it myself. Now on to the part that makes me upset...at his job he works with all women, and he is their boss.
They are doing secret Santa for Christmas and he got matched with a girl who loves to read and is into fantasy genres like dragons and magic. He bought her probably 7 different dragon themed little gifts and trinkets (tapestry, glass dragon egg, a little journal, etc....).
None of them were super expensive, so if that was all it was I wouldn't have thought twice about it, but he also crafted a hand made a mosaic of a bunch of diffent dragons that he stenciled on from images he found online. It looks great and he's super talented with things like that, but I can't help but be jealous and think "why can't he do something like that for me?"
He spent hours on it and worked on it every night for a week. One of the gifts arrived in the mail yesterday and I said "is this another gift for her?" he said yes so I said "I feel like you're going over the top and it's a little unfair I had to pick my own gift for my birthday when you did all this for her."
He replied saying everyone goes over the top for the gift exchanges and it's not that deep...and that was the end of it. Also, I think part of it is he feels like it's a competition on who gives the best gift, because at previous exchanges there has been a clear "winner" who gave the best gift. He seems standoffish and short with me ever since we've had the conversation. Am I the ahole for bringing it up?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Chilling_Storm said:
NTA and that is inappropriate as her superior. He is crossing the boundaries. And not to mention that he is putting way more thought into pleasing her rather than pleasing you. Has he started shopping for your christmas gifts?
schmeebus said:
NTA, a gift like that crosses the limits of how a boss should be treating an employee, especially for a work secret Santa. It could just be their tradition when it comes to their secret Santa, but if he's willing to put that effort into an employee he should absolutely at least put in more than the bare minimum to you if he's truly that passionate about gift giving.
ExistenceRaisin said:
NTA. That’s a lot of effort to go to for a co-worker. If it’s the thought that counts then it shows he’s spending a whole lot more time thinking about her, instead of you.
GoreGoddezz said:
NTA. Most offices the boss isn't even included in secret Santa bc of favoritism issues. Also...why is he so concerned with her happiness and not yours? I'd be asking some hard questions and doing a little digging.
Sue_in_Victoria said:
NTA but your husband is. He’s coasting when it comes to you and that’s not cool. I think you may want to have a discussion at a time that neither of you are actively mad about it. Communication is important.
KrofftSurvivor said:
NTA - Time for marriage counseling. If he hasn't crossed a line, he's close...
pickensgirl said:
NTA. He’s giving more time, interest, and creativity to another woman than to his wife…who he claims to love. He might not have noticed he’s started treating you so casually but once you brought it up the proper response shouldn’t be to put space between the two of you.