Man goes OFF on fiancé, 'Your cousin CANNOT come to our wedding.' AITA?
"AITA for going off on my fiance and telling her cousin not to come to my wedding?"
My(23M) fiance Janna (24F) and her cousin Todd (21M) have always been close and he's basically like a younger brother to her. When Todd came out his 9th grade year has parents kicked him out and he moved in with her and his aunt n uncle for awhile. He met my brother Julian (20M) then and they started seeing each other no too long afterwards.
I didn't necessarily like the way Todd treated Julian sometimes and Julian had some weird Soccer accidents sometimes...but Janna convinced me to stay out of it and Julian hadn't told me anything major. They stayed together through highschool and they moved in together for college..
Last year a few weeks after his 19th birthday Julian had a breakdown and ran home.. Hed quit school and Soccer and he refused to talk about why and of course Todd had no answers other than stress..
Julian had even started getting the bed again.. I knew something more had happened but Julian didn't want to talk about it. He's been in therapy and has been doing better. When Janna told me she wanted Todd at the wedding I told her no and I didn't want him around Julian. She tells me thats it's not fair.
Yesterday she brings Todd home knowing Julian is there. Im like what is he doing here and I'm trying to get her to take him somewhere else. She starts going off on me saying I don't even know what happened last year and she brought Todd to show me it had nothing to do with him.
Julian overheard us and when he saw Todd he literally pissed himself and ran upstairs. I yelled at her to get out and that Todd was banned from the wedding. I told her she didn't have any right bringnh him around. She tells me it's her place too and Todd is her family. AITA?
Let's see what readers have to say:
aghsyop writes:
NTA. A grown adult doesn't just piss themselves in terror over "just stress." You know something extremely serious is going on.
Please, please, please try to get Julian to a crisis center, not just a therapist. Crisis centers are able to provide support on multiple fronts and not just therapy.
Beg him to apply for a restraining order against Todd - no matter what exactly happened, Julian is visibly traumatized - so that he can be protected. The therapy may be working, or he may just be getting better at masking. Either way, he needs somewhere in the world that he can feel safe.
Your fiance is going to continue to actively try to find ways to trigger your brother, and it sounds like self harm or s&cide are very real possibilities with the torment he is visibly going through.
You want to be a safe space for your brother, but your fiance has made it blatantly clear that she will not allow that to happen. Is that really someone you want to marry?
gahayu writes:
ESH Everyone is screaming and yelling, but neither of you knows what happened. Julian needs to open up just enough to at least tell you whether or not his ex was abusive. If he can do that, then you and your fiancee can sit down and have a conversation.
If he cannot or will not do that, you're going to have to decide whether this is enough to blow up your wedding.
And it may very well be. But the fact that you & your fiancee are screaming at each other without either of you knowing what has happened is definitely not a good sign.
gahret writes:
My husband had a young solider in his unit and one day a group of them were hanging around the hanger and some other people from another unit came in as well and the young man wet himself right there!! My husband took him into his office and helped him get back to his room at the barracks.
This was the conversation; “Now son I’m here when you’re ready to talk about it. If not me, we are going to make sure you get the help you need. I’m no doctor but I know a trauma response when I see one.”
The young man cried and nodded his head before leaving the office. He showed up at our house that night and told him a few of his “friends” in the other unit that showed up in the hanger had assaulted him over the weekend after going out to a local club.
My husband supported him every step of the way. From reporting it, getting a r@pe kit done, mental health support and the trial. He came to my husband’s retirement and told him he saved his life. He was close to ending it all because he didn’t know how to talk about it and who he could trust. NTA!!! Protect him
ahgahsty writes:
NTA that is not a normal reaction to seeing an ex things didn’t work out with because of “just stress”. I get it can be hard when you don’t know what happened, but after she saw that I cannot imagine how she can’t see something is going on here.