Man grounds stepdaughter for not making his children breakfast; 'This ISN'T parentification.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

"AITA for grounding my step-daughter for not making my children breakfast?"

I (51m) married my wife (46f) six years ago. We now have four wonderful boys (5, 3, 2, 4months). I also have a stepdaughter, "Ellie", who is almost 15.

I have always gone running in the mornings, and often my favorite time for running is right when my youngest tends to wake up. My wife usually gets the kids up and gets them ready, but she works a night shift so I don't want her getting up two hours after she goes to bed.

To solve this problem, I decided that Ellie should help out more. She gets a pretty big allowance for doing not that many chores, and I figured giving the kids breakfast wouldn't be too hard for her.

Unfortunately, she has decided that 2am would be a wonderful time to go to bed, and therefore isn't up at 9 when the kids get up. She told me this, and I basically told her tough luck, she should go to bed earlier.

She said that my kids weren't her responsibility, and I should just take care of them myself. I reminded her that they were her siblings, and she should just go to bed earlier. I also reminded her that she receives a generous allowance, and that it could definitely be reduced. She says that she already does a huge amount of chores (she doesn't).

She absolutely refused, calling me a "selfish asshole" because I can't "quit running to take care of my children". The thing is, I wouldn't have to quit running if she would just grow up and help out a little.

I grounded her for her use of language, and for being disobedient. Now she's mad, and my wife says I should have been kinder. So, AITA?

To the people calling this "parentification" or whatever it is, this isn't that. Parentification is absolutely abuse, but this is just me trying to get her to take some responsibility for her younger siblings.

I don't dislike Ellie. I tried to bond with her when she was young, but she always insisted that I would never be her father, so I stopped trying. She's my wife's daughter. AITA?

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some top comments:

cfaavg writes:

YTA. Literally give her any other chore. This IS parentification. There's a difference in responsibility for younger siblings and wanting her "chores" to be feeding them in the morning.

If one of your sons were swapped with her and he were the 15 year old would you ask that of him? Answer honestly. I feel like so many of these posts I see are laced with se%ism.

Any other chore. Ask her to take out the trash or do the dishes at night. Edit: Let me tell you as someone with a step-father, when a step-child says they don't see you as a parent you shouldn't just back off and treat them like a stranger/servant.

You step up and show them that you're going to be there for them, even if they won't see you as their "real father". Showing her with your ACTIONS that you care for her will mean much more, trust me. But I think you've already fd that up.

Surprise surprise, you have to put in a little more effort with step-children. You should've known that before you married your wife. Should've done a little more research.

Honestly I'm a little pissed at her for marrying someone like you, who openly mistreats her daughter. You, who openly REJECTS his step-daughter and expects so much of her. Yikes.

feathchaa writes:

NTA, no where near it. It's easy enough to take care of siblings especially for making them some breakfast kn the morning. She is an idiot for staying up until 2am and she sounds pretty spoilt to me.

In my opinion, it wouldn't harm her to help. He grounded her on reasonable reasoning. And he needs to set an example for the younger kids too. So no he is NTA.

likeread6 writes:

YTA - Your "favorite" time for running is in the morning when your youngest happens to wake up. Well guess what, Ellie's "favorite" time for going to bed is 2am (not abnormal for a teen). Why does your inflexibility with running time trump her preference for bedtime.

If you think it's so easy to change sleep schedules change your wake up time to an hour earlier so you're home before youngest wakes up. Are you that set in your favorite running time ways that an hour plus or minus will ruin your entire experience.

And you can't have it both ways, your second edit says you stopped trying to bond with her and she's your wife's daughter...well if you want that to be the relationship then she's not yours to boss around and make demands about YOUR kids who you should be responsible for.

reasddd writes:

So her step-father gets to choose what that job is without even consulting her mother (or her for that matter), and when she refuses he threatens to take away her allowance? No way. NTA.

foiegras writes:

YTA, and your stepdaughter is remarkably clear-eyed and perceptive for 14. You're asking a child to do something you, the adult parent, aren't willing to do. You can see how that's not reasonable of you, right?

I'm also curious as to the amount of the allowance and the chores in question, but I suppose we'll let that lie. She's a kid on summer vacation (during a very trying time for the whole world, might I add), not your au pair or nanny or third parent.

This isn't asking her to watch the kids for a night so you can take your wife out, or when you and your wife run errands, this is expecting a child to wake up at the crack of dawn every morning because you, their parent, don't want to do that or modify your fun schedule.

Please show a little self-awareness here and work with your wife to set more reasonable expectations for your stepdaughter.

creeeb writes:

YTA You acknowledge that parentification is abuse, so you’re not doing it, but then immediately say you think she should take responsibility for her siblings

Why should she, exactly? They’re not her children, they’re yours. It’s not up to her to look after them, it’s yours. This absolutely is parentification. Go running at a different time and take responsibility for your children.

Your step-daughter has literally no obligation to help you take care of your children. She may decide to help out if she wants to, but she isn’t obliged. They’re her siblings, not her kids. I’m appalled by your attitude.

And now, OP's update:

Yes, I am definitely TA. After reading through the many, many comments and PMs I got telling me I was a horrible person, I have to admit I was feeling pretty defensive. I didn't think I was a horrible person, but everybody was telling me I was.

Then I decided to actually sit through and read every comment I got, and I slowly started to realize that I really messed up.

When I first married my wife, I was thrilled to have a step-daughter. I had always wanted a daughter and I was so excited to finally be a dad.

However, I didn't think about how she would have been feeling. Ellie has a father who she's very close with, but I never stopped to think about how she would react, all of a sudden having a step-father in her life.

I expected her to treat me like her father without realising that she already had a father, and I had done nothing to deserve that role. I expected too much from her too soon, and when she didn't immediately start calling me her dad, I stopped trying at all.

Instead, I had other kids, but she never apparently became close with them either. She has a step-mother and step-siblings as well as half-siblings in her father's family, and she's extremely close with them all.

I was so jealous of her attachment to them that I never bothered to think about how I messed up the relationship I could have had with her.

I talked to Ellie the other day. I apologized for the way I treated her, and apologized for grounding her. She said it was okay, she shouldn't have cursed at me, but she didn't want to take care of her siblings at all.

I'm buying a treadmill, and Ellie is moving in with her dad.

That's it. By the end of next month, she is going to be gone. This isn't how I wanted this to end. The boys are distraught over losing their sister. My wife isn't speaking to me. Even the dogs can feel the weight in the air.

And it's all my fault. I don't think I'll ever be able to build a relationship with her at this point. I threw away every chance I got to become close with her, and now I'm out of tries. Thank you, Reddit, for helping me get some clarity.

Update 2:

Many of you are telling me that I definitely need to keep speaking to her, and I plan to. While she might not be my daughter, she is a part of my family and I do not want to part on bad terms with her.

I spoke to Ellie earlier and she expressed that she would be okay if I was just like an uncle instead of a dad, and that is good enough for me. I've been trying to spend more time with her lately, and it's been going okay.

She said that she doesn't want us to part on bad terms because "then things will be awkward and that would suck," We're gonna make stir-fry later.

We made stir fry. Then I taught her how to make chocolate frosting. And we talked. A lot. At first it was awkward, but it got easier. Ellie talked about her dad, and her stepmom, and her siblings. She has eleven siblings.

She told me that she has so many siblings, they blur together. She doesn't have a five year old, a three year old, a two year old, and a five month old brother, she has younger siblings.

She saw the original post. She saw me get torn apart in the comments. She told me I'm a jerk, and I agreed. She saw this post too.

I asked her if she wanted to put a comment down. She said she doesn't want me to know what her account is called. I asked her if family therapy would be okay. She said yes, as long as we also get Starbucks. I'm okay with that, even if it means I have to drink that birthday-cake-in-a-cup that apparently passes for coffee.

I hope this keeps happening. I enjoy her company. She's a bright kid.