Man gives heirloom necklace to his son; family flips out; 'That heirloom is meant for a woman.' AITA? UPDATED

"I gave my son a necklace traditionally passed from mother to daughter. AITA?"

I (M) lost my parents when I was very young and have spent decades recovering from the trauma. One coping mechanism I had was holding onto all of their things. My parents were well off, and I inherited almost all of their possessions and assets.

My therapist and I have talked about why I feel the need to cling to these things that have no use to me, and I've said that I might be open to giving some of their things to someone who would use and treasure them. I didn't have a concrete plan or timeline for doing so though.

My mother owned a pearl necklace that was passed down from mother to daughter for generations. My great-great-grandmother brought it with her to America when her family fled Germany, so obviously it has immense sentimental value. My mother didn't have a daughter, so the necklace, like everything else, has been sitting in my house for decades, unworn.

So, onto my son. He is very into style and fashion. He wears lots of different types of outfits. He'll wear a suit and tie to a work function and then a miniskirt and mesh shirt to go clubbing with his friends. He wears jewelry sometimes and owns a few elegant, classy pieces, no pearls though.

A few months ago my son was showing me an all white suit he bought to wear to a friend's party. It was a really nice suit. All of a sudden I was struck with the idea that my mother's pearls would look great with that suit.

So I went and got them. My son became very emotional, and I decided that he should have the pearls to keep. I don't wear necklaces, but he does. I think my mother would want him to have the pearls.

When I talked to my therapist about this, she said I made a huge step forward in processing my grief. Now that I've made that first step, it feels a lot more doable to go through my parents' other things. I feel good about my decision.

My cousin (mom's niece) called me today, LIVID. She said I shouldn't have given the pearls to my son. She said if they went to anyone, they should go to her or her sister. She claims that they've now left the family.

I don't really understand her perspective. I get that the pearls are supposed to go from mother to daughter, not father to son. But that chain was already broken when my mom died without a daughter.

I don't see how niece is better than grandson in this scenario. Still, my cousin is a really nice person, so there must be something I'm not getting. Is this like a woman thing? Can a woman explain why I might be the A?

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

agahap88 writes:

She is very entitled. It was your Mother’s property which she was passed to you and then you to your son. it stayed within your mother’s family regardless of gender. It would of never gone to her.

If anything your mom before she passed probably held on to it in hopes of you ever had daughter. Tbh it doesn’t sound like grief in your cousins part. It just seems like she saw a nice piece of jewelry and felt entitled to it. Funny thing is I highly doubt it was ever going to be.

OP replies:

I do have a daughter, but this necklace isn't the type of thing she would ever wear. So it never occurred to me to offer it to her. It would just be sitting in a different box. Should I have given it to my daughter? I'm thinking of giving her Mom's earrings since that's the only pieces I could picture her wearing, but those aren't heirlooms, they were gifts from my Dad.

hottrash writes:

NTA. Even if it doesn't have a long history in the family, wouldn't it still be an heirloom as it's been passed down?

I think at most, you could talk to both of your kids to see what they think about who gets the necklace. But your cousin can kick rocks.

pneckthrow writes:

Well, my son already has the necklace. It's not mine anymore; it's his. And my daughter doesn't wear necklaces. She doesn't like having things around her throat, not even scarves.

I like what you said about the earrings becoming heirlooms. That makes me smile. I'll definitely give them to her. I'll try to find something for the other boys too. I actually have six kids. My son in this story is the oldest though.

hyeari writes:

As a woman, I can firmly say NTA. They were passed down in YOUR family. She's a branch familym there is nothing entitling her or her daughter to the pearls. Just make sure your son understands the value and passes them on to one of his kids.

duthcplan writes:

You’re NTA. I understand that your niece may be upset, but so was I when I didn’t get any of my grandmas jewelry lol. I sucked it up, so can she. Your son will wear them, it’s not like they’re going to sit in a drawer unworn. And it sounds like they were meaningful to him, and will wear them often.

I assume you have more jewelry to give away, maybe let her have the first pick? You did say she’s normally nice. Also please give your son a high five from a rando on the internet. Their style sounds rad as heck, and it can be hard to be a man in a skirt. Also give yourself a high five for not being judgemental about your son wearing a skirt, not all parents are like that, let alone dads.

OP replies:

To be 100% honest, it was an adjustment for me initially. I talked to my therapist and his school councilor though back when I first realized it wasn't a phase, and once my fears that this could be something unhealthy were put to rest I stopped worrying about it. Clothes make him happy, and I want him to be happy. So his sense of style makes me happy.

Update:

Several people suggested getting the pearls restrung. My son did take them to a jewelers prior to wearing them to the party because he assumed the silk would be in poor shape after so many years.

After reading all these comments I called to offer to have them restrung, but he already had. I insisted on reimbursing him, since a gift should be given in good quality.

But, this update is really about my cousin. We had lunch today and talked about everything. So, a little more backstory with that side of the family:

My mother's brothers didn't approve of her decision to marry my father. They didn't go to the wedding, and my mother wasn't invited to my cousin's coming of age party.

I was five at the time, so I don't remember it very well, but my mom was really upset and wrote a long letter to my cousin that she still has (she showed it to me). After that, my cousin stopped talking to her father for years. My mother's funeral was the first time they spoke after that, and he died a few years later.

My cousin expressed feeling guilt over not having any children and not passing on our heritage. She said that she's worried everything her father thought would happen to our family has, that we have assimilated too much.

Being "passed over" for the pearls (which she was never truly in line for, but I didn't want to be pedantic) felt like a punishment to her. Now they belong to someone outside of the tribe, and she's worried the history of them, the story of what our ancestors went through, will eventually be lost to time.

We both expressed a lot of grief to each other, and I think we gave each other some much needed catharsis. But, without a doubt, her objections weren't based in greed or prejudice, just sadness and fear.

She said she wouldn't bring up the pearls again, as it's a done thing now. I offered her some other pieces of my mother's I thought she might like, and she said she needed to think about it.

We parted on good terms, even laughing about how it's good we hashed this out now, before we all get wasted together in a couple of weeks. A lot of people thought my cousin was a bad person based on my previous post, and I feel terrible about that. She really isn't. She's just grieving.

I think that's everything, but if I forgot to address something you can ask about it in the comments.

Oh! And I did give the earrings to my daughter as well as my Dad's watch to my second son, his class ring to my third, cufflinks (heirloom) to my fourth and my Mom's bracelet she got the day I was born to my youngest. So everyone got something.