Man hides past bisexual 'relationship' from wife. AITA? 'Kissing guys in crowds was a favorite pastime.'
"AITA for hiding a past bisexual 'relationship' from my wife?"
I (42M) spent the summers of the early 2000s (and my early 20s) going to all the concerts I possibly could. The pop punk/rock scene was at its peak when I was at the perfect age for it. I would spend every penny I made at my sh%tty jobs on live music, or traveling to see live music.
I'm sure no one familiar with the scene at that time would be shocked to hear that I was hooking up with a lot of people I met. 99.9% of said hook ups were all with women, but the culture of nonconformity made experimentation feel easier and less daunting than it did in the "real world." Kissing guys in crowds was a favorite pastime of mine for a while, until I met someone who we'll call Max.
He and I immediately connected, and we spent the next two weeks or so attached at the hip. It's not something I could even accurately define as a relationship, hence the quotation marks in the title. It was just a very intense two weeks of us getting to know each other, going on road trips, and sort of falling in love while experiencing something we both loved.
He told me he thought we were better as friends and wasn't sure he was really into dudes. It was the most profound hurt I had ever felt in my life, and it really shocked me. I had been in relationships before - real ones that included commitment and lasted for months - and I hadn't taken those breakups nearly so hard. He and I remained friends after I took some time to myself, but I never had another relationship with a man after that. It felt like that level of hurt was my warning sign to stay away.
Now I'm old, married, and most of my music enjoyment these days comes in the form of me sitting at home listening with a glass of wine as opposed to sweltering, crowded venues or summer festival spaces. I have two amazing children and most of my time and brain power is spent focused on how I can be the best dad to them, and how to raise good humans in the scary world we live in right now. Max and I are still friends - he lives nearby with a lovely family of his own, and we see each other fairly often. His kids are friends with mine, our wives are friends.
Recently while going through some old stuff, I found old photos of Max and I in our eyeliner wearing heydays that had been tucked away. When his family came over, I pulled them out to show everyone. We had all had a bit to drink and Max said something along the lines of "it's us in our bisexual phase."
I could tell my wife's demeanor changed, and once we were alone later that night, I was all but interrogated over it. I told her it was a brief two week fling, that I don't really identify as bisexual these days or when I met her, and that it didn't seem worth mentioning.
She said I broke her trust by hiding this and that she needs time to think about things. This all happened on Friday night and things are still incredibly tense between us. I'd like some advice or reassurance or something. It wasn't something I was actively hiding, it just never came up. AITA?
EDITS:
Before I sign off and live life for a while, I wanted to answer the million dollar question everyone seems to have: why did I choose to keep “Max” in my life after marriage and starting a family?
And really, it’s because he’s just a cool dude. He is the summer breeze and sweat sticky skin under the sun. He’s freedom and unquenchable curiosity. I look at him and I see my youth and my right now and my future. A stupid (stupidly treasured and stupidly tattered) co-owned stuffed animal from a claw machine that got passed onto his first born. Learning smoke on the water on the guitar and never forgetting it. Muscle memory, all these years later.
There’s so much love for the debauchery of our teens and 20s, but there’s something so special about the adults we grow into after the lights come up at the end of the night, you know? He’s a great friend, an even greater dad, and the greatest human.
He teaches me things every day and I hope he says the same about me. I just love the people in my life, man. So much. It’s kind of ridiculous that I got this lucky, but my ego’s big enough to convince me I deserve it. At least a little bit. I’ll never take it for granted.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
theladyorchid said:
So, you’ve talked about your past but never mentioned you’d hooked up with someone you both hang out with? Male or not, I can see why she would have some distrust. She might even wonder what else you are hiding…
Render636 said:
YTA. I’d be pretty pissed to learn my long time partners best friend was actually their first and strongest love. Regardless of their gender. It’s not that you were bisexual, it’s that you were bisexual for your best friend who’s still in your life and both acknowledge it.
Let me ask you this: if Max came to you tomorrow and said he always loved you and asked you to run away, what would you do? If you even have to think about it, you know the answer. The way you talk about max compared to your wife says it all. I think at the very least, you should go LC with Max while you and your wife work through your emotions.
Salty_allthetime said:
YTA. it's not about the bisexual past. He is your ex that is still a constant presence in your life. Your wife should have been informed. Just think if it was her ex (men or women) being so friendly with you and your family and suddenly knowing they have been in a relationship, would you be so chill.
Bright_Air6869 said:
Come on. You’re not dumb. Of course, YTA. It’s not just the omission. This guy is clearly a very close friend and he’s around all the time. Yeah, you never moved in together, but you said yourself it’s the most emotionally impactful relationship you ever had. And this dude is in your house regularly? And your wife is the last in the group to know? Come on, OP. That’s a serious trust violation.
Starry-Dust4444 said:
YTA. You were clearly in a relationship with Max even though you try to pretend you weren’t. You fell in love w/him! All these years later, you’ve integrated Max into your life, your wife has become friends w/him & his wife. And it never occurred to you that you should have told her the truth?!
If she had a friend she’d known for a long time & she introduced you & for years you all hung out together. Then one day you found out she had a past romantic relationship w/that person, you’d be hurt & angry. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t.
ThrowRA10062013 said:
YTA bacause of the fact that he is still very much in your life and yet you hid that you had a thing with him. she feels betrayed because it is like having an ex around whom you never told her about. I dont think it is the fact that you may bisexual as much as you keeping him in your life and never tell her anything. She is going to wonder now if something else happened between you too during the marriage or after you met etc. The fact that you hid this makes it much worse. you did betray her trust.