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Man hires PI to stalk fiancé on her girl's trip; blows up entire relationship. AITA? INTENSE UPDATE

Man hires PI to stalk fiancé on her girl's trip; blows up entire relationship. AITA? INTENSE UPDATE


When this man hireds a private investigator and subsequently blows up his whole relationship, he asks Reddit:

"Hired a PI to Watch My Fiancée on Her Girls' Trip. AITA?"

Hey everyone, long-time lurker, first-time poster here. I never thought I'd be the one to spill my story on a confession subreddit, but here we are.

To cut a long story short, my fiancée and I have been together for five years. Every year, she goes on this girls-only trip with her close friends. Something in my gut had been bothering me about these trips.

Maybe it was the slight changes in her behavior afterward or the cryptic conversations I'd overhear. Instead of directly confronting her, I did something I'm deeply ashamed of. I hired a private investigator to watch her during her recent trip.

I got back the results a few days ago, and as much as I regret violating her privacy, I did the right thing because my suspicions were not unfounded. The PI presented evidence of her being unfaithful. It shattered my heart.

Now, I'm caught in this storm of emotions. On one hand, I deeply regret snooping and not trusting her enough to talk about it. On the other, the betrayal from her side feels even more significant. I love her, but I can't see a future together anymore.

How do I even approach this situation? Do I confess my snooping? Or just end things without revealing the reason? Any advice is welcome.

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

felin6 writes:

Just tell her you know. You don’t have to give details. She’s not going to tell all her details. Be glad you didn’t marry her. Move on, dude. When she asks why, say I know you're cheating on me and leave it at that. Don't tell her anything else. Her "punishment" is never knowing how you know.

When you completely stump her and she has no idea how you know, she'll start yelling at you, accusing you of all kinds of shit, telling you you suck in bed and she needed more, that you have a small d&k, whatever, anything to get you to scream back.

Don't lose your cool. Keep it together and just leave. Then ghost her. You're done, here.

cursed0 writes:

To anyone considering hiring a PI to stalk your partner to find evidence of infidelity - DON'T. As an accountant, I worked with a firm whose owner did this. He had tracking devices placed on cars, keyloggers put on her laptop which meant they could hack her social media, email and even her bank accounts.

He also had people following her to get picture proof. They found undeniable proof of infidelity, and he initiated a divorce. She went straight to the police. Her ex-husband got his divorce, but he also went to prison for a year for several charges of stalking and intimidation. He is still on probation for this, a few years later.

When he got out, he had to fight to get her to sell the shares of the business she'd got in the divorce, which he was railroaded in because of the criminal convictions for stalking, as it can be classified as a form of domestic violence.

His business seriously suffered. He had to fight for supervised visitation only of his children, because of the criminal record he now had. She still has a restraining order against him which means he can't go to his parents house because she lives so close to them.

In the eyes of the law, infidelity is a civil matter, but stalking someone is a criminal one. The ex-wife was an evil woman, and we all felt horribly sorry for the man she'd betrayed and took a lot from.

But at the end of the day, she only broke her marriage vows. He broke the law, and was severely punished for it. Seriously, don't do it. The police and the courts take it very seriously now.

formerwife writes:

You should ask Facebook what they think. Put the evidence and photos in the post. Tag her, the friends from her trip, their significant others, mutual friends, maybe her family. You know, just so you get a good sample for that survey.

Pro level would require getting a storage unit, moving all her shit to it and have a pic of that storage unit with her stuff in it as the final pic in the Facebook “survey”. Text her the combo to the storage lock and change the locks on your house before she gets home.

If her cell phone is on your account, cancel service to her phone on the way home from the storage unit. Better than blocking her number. Pro level: buy a cheap phone, port her number to it, set up voicemail message to “you’ve reached the former number to a cheating home wrecker. This is my number now and she’s homeless. Have the day you deserve.”

The only thing you’ve done wrong is trust her more than you trusted your own intuition for the last five years. Time to move on to someone worthy of you and your affection. Pro level: f her mom and cause her parents to get divorced.

forsakenwoodpecker writes:

I’m not a fan of hiring a PI to snoop on your gf. I’m still going to look at what they found, and tell you “you don’t have to explain how you know, tell her that you know about (some single identifying detail that leaves no doubt that you know) and you are no longer together.

That there will be no discussion, no follow-ups, no chance for reconciliation, you’re blocking her the moment you stop talking, and the more people she sends to interfere and bring you her messages, the more you’re going to reveal to everyone.

So do herself the favor, take the L, don’t lie about why we broke up to anyone because it will bite you in the ass, and I will not escalate. This is your chance to be honest, and not make things worse by trying to convince me that you haven’t been lying to me this whole time.

And then end the conversation, and start processing your feelings at your own pace, in peace, without having to convince anyone that you’re doing what’s best for YOU, not the relationship, not her, not the future you never actually had, with the person she never actually was.” Because you deserve better than that.

shibbidyboppody writes:

This is just me personally and I don't expect everyone to agree with it- for me there are levels to 'cheating', it isn't always black and white, not every incident is the same in terms of severity and wrongdoing.

From my perspective, if my partner goes away with the girls and occasionally let's loose and has a bit of fun in a strange town/country with a strange guy/girl- no strings, very subtle...

not many people know about it etc and she comes home and nothing has changed in terms of our relationship, honestly it doesn't bother me, in fact it would be a bit of a turn on for me.

I'm pretty open minded and she knows this, if she comes home and tells me about it straight up, I'm okay with it. We can have a bit of fun with it and it can add to our own sex life. Not going to lie, I find that quite hot, and it makes me see her as even more of an unpredictable, se%ual person.

Now, if she has an affair behind my back, or even has a one-off thing with someone a lot closer to home that she or I know personally, anything like that- I'm absolutely not okay with that.

We are together a long time, we're best friends, so im not saying i would necessarily immediately end things, I would have to get the facts and deal with it on a case by case basis but I would definitely be majorly pissed and she absolutely would have crossed the line and would have to face the music over that.

Again i have to stress, before I get attacked and downvoted to oblivion- this is just genuinely how my mind works personally on these things. Cheating for me is a very blanket term and I certainly in your position wouldn't be overly pissed, I would just be a little annoyed that she hasn't shared with me what happened.

But each to their own and obviously I understand why others would see this as a red line issue.

glitteringcommunity writes:

If you want to be mature about it, you can tell her that you know that she cheated, and how you know; there is really no reason to feel guilty about hiring a PI; your gut instinct was correct, after all.

Be prepared to defend your choice to "spy" on her, as she will likely try to turn this around and make you out to be the bad guy; just stay calm, stand your ground, and don't let her start a conversation in which you are the bad guy;

you can even apologize for hiring a PI, to satisfy her, but stay on the track of, but, "I have proof of you cheating", which likely means two things; one, that it probably wasn't the first time, and two, that it was planned, and premeditated. That cancels out any negativity attached to your behavior.

The big flapping, bright red flag is THE CHEATING. That's the original sin; that she probably lies and cheats at other times is also likely true. How can you possibly hook yourself to that wagon?

I think some people play loose with the truth and they have a personality kink that makes it difficult for them to be 100% honest or faithful to anyone, maybe even their friends;

it doesn't really matter why she did it, unless you have some major flaw that you're not sharing with us, that would make anyone say, "how can you blame her?," which I don't think is the case.

Our gut instincts rarely fail us; we have them for a reason. You made good use of your's and found out you were right; don't let her make that THE ISSUE; it ISN'T; her CHEATING is the issue.

I'm so sorry that you were right. This is probably irreparable damage to the relationship; it would be hard, maybe impossible, for anyone to walk back from this. It isn't impossible, but I don't see how you could ever feel safe and comfortable in the relationship, ever again.

Only you can answer that question, but it seems as if your mind is made up. She may be truely remorseful for her behavior, and even if you choose to forgive her, that doesn't necessarily mean continuing the relationship; forgiveness is for your benefit, not hers.

She will have to do her own damage control; no doubt she will try, and be prepared for her possibly saying things about you that aren't true, as she tries to convince people that it's YOUR fault that SHE cheated!

I know you probably feel conflicted, hurt, sad, betrayed, angry, and a whole host of other emotions and feelings right now, but it's going to be ok. This is not the end of the world, and you have saved yourself from possibly marrying someone who is unworthy of your love, trust and loyalty.

Letting go of those feelings isn't easy, and you will have more healing to do. Give yourself time to digest and contemplate all that has happened, all that has changed. Change is hard; even when it's for a good reason, it takes time to adjust to the new.

You may discover who your real friends are after this; I hope there are no more surprises. I wish you much happiness, love, and joy going forward; you will meet someone new, and you will be glad that you didn't settle; I believe things happen when they are supposed to. It's all going to be OK!

Let's take a look at OP's update (after he confronts his fiancé):

Hey everyone, I've received many messages asking about the situation and I thought it was only right to keep those who cared in the loop.

When my fiancée returned from her trip, I tried my best to handle things maturely. I gave her a chance to be honest, asking if there was anything she wanted to share about her trip. Instead of coming clean, she gaslit me, making me question my own perceptions and reality.

Having the evidence I had, I confronted her about the affair. She was taken aback and immediately asked how I knew. I told her the truth, that I hired a PI. I didn't want to falsely accuse any of her friends as some of you suggested, even though, honestly, part of me was tempted.

She was furious. I've never seen her that angry in all our years together. Additionally, feeling it was the right thing to do, I shared the evidence with one of her friends' boyfriends so he could be informed and consider getting tested, if necessary.

It was clear to both of us that our relationship had reached a breaking point. We broke up right then. Despite it being my house that I've financially covered for us, I left and checked into a hotel, giving her space and asking her to pack her things and move out.

We didn't communicate for a few days. When she finally reached out, she expressed a desire to talk and perhaps find a way to mend things. But the trust was broken, and I couldn't see a future for us. I told her no.

And now, the part I didn't see coming: she's considering pursuing palimony payments. For those unaware, palimony is financial support provided to a partner in a non-marital relationship after separation. I've been informed that due to the relationship laws in our state, this could very well be a real concern.

I've initiated the process of hiring a lawyer. During our relationship, I took on the majority of the financial responsibilities, including the mortgage. We had an unspoken understanding - "my money is our money, her money is her money" due to our significant income differential. I never thought that my generosity would come back to haunt me.

There it is, the update many of you asked for. I wish I had a happier conclusion to this chapter, but life has its twists and turns. It seems she might have the upper hand in this final act, but I'm hoping for a fair resolution. Thank you for the support and advice; it has really meant a lot.

Readers continued to weigh in on OP's update:

tether8 writes:

You have proof of infidelity, this should have the palimony case thrown out. Her actions ended the relationship, nothing else. If she goes after palimony show the evidence you have. Would probably get it thrown out.

ETA - if she has been going on these trips since the start of your relationship, that would probably be more damaging and she never showed good faith into the relationship in the first place.

okbackground88 writes:

Just some advice: in your next relationship, do everything 50/50 until you're married. Less likely to attract greedy women that way.

Even after getting married, my husband and I still spend pretty much 50/50. I spoil him here and there, because I make double what he makes and I just enjoy spoiling him, but he never asks for it and always thanks me for whatever I've done for him. The 50/50 thing was my idea, even though my husband insisted on paying by himself, at first.

As well, make sure you don't add any woman's name to the house until you've been married a good few years. Anything that's of value to you should be in your name, and your name only.

As for palimony... is this some new American thing? It sounds so ridiculous. She cheated, so keep it as evidence and share how heart broken and emotionally damaged you are at the palimony hearing. Countersue for pain and suffering, maybe, mental anguish. Good luck! Hope she doesn't get a dime.

onemillionthta writes:

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You had every right to do what you needed to to seek the information needed (by hiring a PI) to assess the safety of your relationship.

I hope, for your sake that she isn’t able to get palimony. Talk to a lawyer ASAP and stop conversing with her. This woman does not care about you in any way. You are clearly a piggy bank for her.

In general, I have no idea why people are so hell bent on being in relationships like this where they pay for everything and the woman pays for nothing.

Is this a self esteem issue? In this day and age women work. It isn’t sensible to pay for someone else’s life, regardless of income differential (unless they gave up their career to look after kids etc).

What is YOUR take on OP's story? Did he do the right thing? What would YOU have done in his situation?

Sources: Reddit
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