Man is honest about wife's past: 'I'd have NEVER asked her out if I knew she was a Sugar Baby.' AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for telling my wife I'd have never asked her out if I knew she was a sugar baby?"
I've been with my wife for 5 years, married a little over one year. I was some cleaning and something I never noticed before was my wife's old jewelry. I know she had it, but I never noticed just how expensive looking it was. I asked my wife out of curiosity, where did she get these and how much they were.
She told me they were from an ex and they cost an A-LOAD. She told me before she only had one ex, back in high school and a bit of college. I asked her how the hell did a high school kid afford these. She looked confused, and I reminded her that she told me about her one ex.
There was an awkward silence and I told her what was up with her, did she have another ex? And if so why did she tell me she only had one. She tried to play it off, but I pressed her for it, and she confessed she had several sugar daddies for about three years.
I was mad but kept calm. I asked why she never told me she was an escort. She tried to give me a spiel about how it's more like a relationship, but with gifts and stuff, and I told her to cut the crap. She told me she was afraid I was gonna judge her. I told her I was seriously mad, and she shouldn't have kept this from me.
She says "does it matter?" And I told her of course it matters, she asked me why, and I told her I'd have never asked her out in the first place if I knew. And that she straight up lied to me when she told me she only had one ex. She told me she did only have the one "ex" and that just pissed me off more and told her "Didn't you just say the sugar crap was more like a relationship?"
She did cry, and said sorry, and she'd do anything to make it up to me. I told her I need some space. Idk, I'm pissed. I do love my wife, but I feel...robbed of my decision. I do mean what I said, I'd have never asked her out if I knew back then.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
yocaramel said:
NTA. What's a relationship, worse, a marriage, without trust? Vulnerability is important in all relationships and keeping secrets is so disrespectful, specially when you've been together long enough.
CrepesOfWrath95 said:
ESH. She shouldn’t have kept this from you, but it’s a sensitive subject that she was scared of being judged for. You immediately calling her names shows that her fears were justified. Both of you need to communicate better.
HCIBSW said:
She was right, you would have judged her, are judging her now. If you had the "choice" you wanted, you wouldn't be together. You don't mention anything else that she has done while with you that would give you pause. She was a good person, someone you fell in love with a day ago. But today she isn't?
YTA "I never would have asked you out" sounds like you are willing to erase the past five years with her to punish her for her past (a past that ended before you came along). Seek help with your own issues, or let her go. It doesn't sound like you are willing to budge on this & she can't change the past.
andsoitgoes123 said:
NTA by lying she was taking away your agency to decide for yourself if you wanted to pursue a relationship. She knew the cost of telling you the truth, that’s why she lied. She doesn’t get to wiggle out the consequences of her own actions. Nope no sympathy for her.
ladybug211211 said:
You ARE judging her. YTA.
repthe732 said:
YTA. If you actually love your wife and have been happily married then none of this matters. You’ve just created an issue and have started to tear your marriage apart. Is that really what you want? Do you really want to end your relationship because if something she did before she even met you?
UPDATE:
So I'm staying with my wife. I still don't like that she hid this from me. But I'm staying with her. But I stand by two things I said: She was an escort. Some of you kept saying "sugar babies aren't always intimate with their clients" and like whatever.
By my wife's own admission. She did sleep with her "clients" So yeah, escort. I'm not gonna pretend she wasn't. Some of y'all are actually delusional though. Just because she wasn't out in a street corner doesn't mean she wasn't an escort. She was physical for MONEY.
I do know I'd have broken up with her if I knew earlier. That's the truth. If I were single again, I wouldn't date someone who was an escort. Do I think escorts don't deserve to get married? Nope. But that ain't for me.
Anyway, things have gone back to normal for us. She's actually sold the jewelry her "clients" got for her. Not at my request, she did this on her own. There hasn't been any major drama between us since. We had an open heart to heart.
I did tell her that what I said was true. I wouldn't have asked her out if I knew. And I told her maybe it was a good thing she didn't tell me, since we do have a wonderful life together. But that doesn't mean her being dishonest was a good thing.
She and I decided to put this behind us. But I did tell her that if she has any more secrets like that, she needs to tell me right now, and if I ever found out something about her like this, we're done. I also wanted to address one little thing..Some of you all were like "No wonder she didn't tell you! She knew you were an insecure ahole!" Or something like that.
So.... are you all willing to marry aholes? Seriously, I don't comprehend this logic. It's not like I forced my wife to marry me. If she knew I was an "insecure ahole" why exactly did she decide to marry an "insecure ahole." What? Would you marry an ahole as long as you lied to them to make sure they never find out about your past?
Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:
SirAbleoftheHH said:
You had the right attitude and were being honest. If her behavior is truly in the past good on you for forgiving her.
HeisenbergCares said:
Bro, I'm not going to stake a claim to what your beliefs should be, but if your first response is revulsion, you might want to reconsider your decision. You are subconsciously never going to get over it, and be embattled about it for years to come.
maylena96 said:
This sounds like you're going to hold this over her head forever.
Cybermagetx said:
This marriage is over. You just don't realize it yet.
Heaven19922020 said:
You clearly have a holier than thou attitude, and hate her. She should have kept the jewelry because you’ll find a reason to leave her in the future. You don’t like, or love your wife.