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Man comes to horrible realization after having a heart attack; 'My wife isn't who she says she is.' AITA? UPDATED

Man comes to horrible realization after having a heart attack; 'My wife isn't who she says she is.' AITA? UPDATED

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When this man is so upset about his wife, he asks Reddit:

"I just realized my wife isn't who I thought she was. AITA?"

Today I came to the realization that my wife is not the woman I married. She does not love me. She said she does but her actions over the years, show that she doesn’t. She loves the life that I have given her but not necessarily me. My wife is a lovely person, whom I adore and treat like a queen.

She had been working up until about 3 years ago when she was diagnosed with a disease. She would at times help with household chores when we first were married but doesn’t help with any daily housekeeping.

She doesn’t clean, vacuum, wash clothes, do yard work, she pretty much just does the dishes and that’s it. She doesn’t make much money now that she is on disability. She contributes little monetarily.

The amount she contributes basically covers her cellphone bill and cable TV bill. I pay everything else each month. She does treatments every night but goes to bed around 2:00am and wakes up anywhere between noon and 1 pm.

There were many times where she wouldn’t do anything for my birthday or Father’s Day. I am giver and shower her with nice gifts for special occasions and gifts just because I love her. I mean I’m talking Louis Vuitton purses, bags, diamonds and nice shoes.

Sex is none existent and I’ve always had to initiate it. She would almost always have an orgasm and if I shot it too quickly, she would get bitter and I better recover quickly. She said she doesn’t have sex drive but to be honest she doesn’t have drive for anything that requires effort.

A lot of those things I could probably overlook. The thing that really has been in the back of my mind is something that happened last year. Last August I had a heart attack.

I was feeling bad when I went to bed and woke up at 4am with really bad chest pain. I went down stairs to find the blood pressure cup to see what was going on. It’s was really high.

I started sweating, had a hard time breathing and sick to my stomach. I sat down for a few minutes. I looked up signs of a heart attack and I had them all. I drank some water and felt a tiny bit better. I decided to drive to the hospital.

I know it was stupid but it’s a fairly straight shot and it was early in the morning. I got to the hospital and they fast tracked me through and started running tests.

My wife woke up at 11 and noticed I wasn’t home and tracked me on the find my iPhone app. She texted me and I told her I was in the ER and they thought I had a heart attack and I had all the markers.

I was taking nitro and they gave me bunch of other things, which helped She came up to pick up the car and dropped off a couple of things. She then left and went to dinner with her friend.

The next day I’m still in the hospital and I was hurt she went to dinner when I’m in the ER. I told her not to come up and well she didn’t. She only came up to pick me up to go home.

She’s been in the hospital about 6 or 7 times. I would visit her every day when she was in the hospital. I would bring her flower and treats. I would wait in the ER every time to keep her company. I only missed 1 day and that was because she was supposed to be released and I was waiting till she was sprung.

This has been sitting on me for the last year, it’s not getting better. We had a fight that I instigated today. I told her how hurt I was and she said my feelings always get hurt. I asked her if her mother, sister or grandfather was in the ER with a heart attack would she go back home to be with them and she said yes.

After that answer, I knew she isn’t in love with me, just loves what I give her. She doesn’t understand that she isn’t giving any back in return. She is like a roommate at this point. A roommate that doesn’t pay rent or help take care of the house or do much of anything to make my life better.​​​​​​

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

anonpinklady writes:

I recently heard this experience described as "fish love"-- aparently in some cultures they use that phrase to describe how a hunter loves the fish he catches. He loves it only because it tastes so good.

That is to say that many people dont love you as a person but love you as an experience like eating a good tasty fish, you're pleasurable to them and their senses but your own life and feelings dont really exist to them.

They don't seek to love you truly, they seek to consume you, to take from you, to indulge in what you give them. I had an ex like this and ultimately I couldnt take the gut feeling I had that our relationship wasnt genuine and his side of it was built on highly selfish motivations.

To this day I'm deeply afraid that any guy interested in me only seeks to use me for sexual gratification and arm candy. And I'm convinced I'm not even anything to look at at this point, just a preheated pleasure toy if you catch my drift.

All that is to say I know how to you feel and this sense of emptiness can be so painful at times I grow doubtful that any love is real. It's a bleak notion. I promise you real love exists though.

nogoodkittykat writes:

My husband had a stroke at work while we worked together. He was the manager and I was basically his assistant. I was so upset that I had to basically take him to the ER and then go back to work.

I was freaking out the entire time and wanted to go to him. Once the afternoon shift came in, the morning shift already knew what was up. I asked a morning shifter for a personal favor to stay for a long shift so I could go to him.

She said yes, and I had to double-check everything was ok, before I could go check on my husband. We quit shortly after that.

lateselection writes:

I agree, she’s not being very “wifely” to you but if I may… she lost everything that made up her identity. Her illness, depending on what it is, took away all of her independence.

She lost her job. She sounds depressed to me. You told us she doesn’t contribute enough financially. She can’t. Your love language is buying expensive things for her, she can’t do that for you. She may need some therapy. Couple’s therapy may help too since you seem not to be communicating to me.

She tries to clean but her energy may be zapped after doing dishes. My husband knows I hate doing laundry so that’s the first chore he does for me. I appreciate that one thing so much.

Sex after illness is complicated plus your sex life in general isn’t anything I can comment on. “She almost always orgasms” if you say so, we have to believe it. But you admitted to finishing early on occasion.

I’ve felt like the only thing I’ve contributed in a relationship is sex and my needs weren’t met so I faked it to end it and not hurt someone’s felons. If she’s sick and trying but you’re frustrated, kills the mood. We can tell.

You got up and disappeared at night, didn’t tell her. DIDN’T ASK your wife to take you to the hospital when you thought you could die. If my husband did that to me I’d be devastated. Id confide in a friend. Then you tell her NOT to go to the hospital after you did that? I’m not surprised she listened.

Do you love your wife at all? It seems like you don’t talk to her at all and you resent her for being sick. I feel sorry for her. Maybe I relate because I had a really bad chronic injury that changed my life, my husband was completely different about it. Marriage is in sickness and health.

He took care of me when I needed it, I went to therapy. I learned pain coping skills and now he’s my absolute favorite person. He took care of me when I needed him. No one ever put my needs before theirs and now I would do anything for him. Even if the relationship is one sided every now and then, it’s life.

It can’t always be 50-50. She’s probably very lonely, if you want to divorce your wife and you know you’ve done everything you can, do it. If deep down you really can’t see the world through her eyes or if it’s how you say and she doesn’t love you. You deserve to be loved in this life, leave.

communistorgy writes:

This is a horrific realization, and I’m so sorry you’ve had to come to it. As someone who’s chronically ill myself, I still do whatever I can for my husband to make up for how little I’m able to financially contribute.

I do have to fight through the pain, but I still try to make us dinner, do our laundry, take care of the cat (food, litter box, and medication), and keep things overall as tidy as possible.

I’ve always been afraid of what would happen if my husband got sick and ended up in the hospital, but the only reason I wouldn’t be in that room with him is because I’ve literally been admitted myself.

My father’s illnesses compounded last year, and I managed to fight through the pain to be there to take care of him (despite us having a very complicated relationship). I know I would do the same and more for my husband if he was in the that position, because he’s done it for me. You deserve the same.

gnosys writes:

Wow… that’s heartless. I’m so sorry. To feel like you couldn’t even wake her to have her drive you to the hospital in the first place speaks volumes. If my fiancé as much as gets up in the middle of the night I’m wide awake with him.

And when he had to have surgery on his kidney I didn’t leave his side except to check on the dogs & make him food (hospital food sucks). I technically wasn’t allowed to even stay the night but talked with the nurse and she allowed it.

Even if this wasn’t my boyfriend and ‘just’ a friend I’d do the same. Hell, even a stranger in clear need of help. It speaks on her character more than her compassion (which sounds like she has none).

Relationships are all about being able to lean on one another when it’s needed. Supporting each other as best as possible. It sounds like you guys need couples therapy, or to leave the situation altogether. I hope things work out for the better for you.

And now, OP reveals details about his wife's health in this lengthy update:

I agree I believe she is depressed and I asked her to talk to a therapist. She has kidney disease and she’s been on home dialysis for 2 years. I honestly couldn’t care less about the household chores.

We’ve been at this house for 20 years and she has never run the vacuum. I’m okay with that. I’m okay with doing all the laundry too. She has been putting up the sex roadblock for 10 years.

Long before she was so far along in her kidney disease progression. It’s probably been 3 years since we’ve had actual real sex. I get the fact that her sex drive is probably next to nothing.

I initiated sex last week and she got hers and was like that felt awesome and proceeded to roll over and lay on her side. I’m sitting there think. uh hey what about me.?

Heck I bought here a toy on my birthday 5 years ago and she used that toy and then was too worn out when it came to me. I’m not expecting her to have sex with me nightly or even weekly. But once or twice a year would be nice. Like there are things I don’t want to do but I do them because I know I have to.

As to why I didn’t tell her. I was downstairs and it climbing up 2 flights of stairs didn’t seem like the best option for my survival. If I would have gone upstairs, it would take her 5-7 minutes to go through the dialysis disconnect procedure. Time I didn’t know that I had.

She has dialysis and people can live on it for 30 years. You can’t give up life and just do fun stuff until you get a transplant. Our neighbors are both on dialysis, guess what?? They both work.

They both get up everyday and go to work and work out and do stuff around the house. They are also 10 years older than her. It’s because she is a woman you’re saying that.

If the rolls were reversed you wouldn’t say anything. Btw when I found out a was having a heart attack and they stated treating me right away. I was having scans and they were treating me. It wasn’t exactly time to start texting people.

I called her on the way and left a voicemail. She didn’t listen to my voicemail. I didn’t text her but I still communicated. But I guess the fg benchmark for love is texting someone.

We tried marriage counseling way before she went in kidney failure. She bailed on it saying I was manipulating the therapist. I do think she is suffering from depression and I asked her to see a professional. I gave her a list of therapist and she declined. I asked her again to go back to therapy and she did finally agree.

So me having a heart attack is overruled because she has kidney disease? Ah right. You’ve obviously never had a heart attack. I was fighting for my life and she is out with her friends.

Free pass to do whatever you want when you have kidney disease. Did you read where I asked her if she would go back to her parents home if they were in the hospital?

So kid kidney disease pass for that. Because she has kidney disease she can jump on a flight and fly home. Well she did it back in September when her grand parent had pneumonia.

Free pass cause kidney disease. Also her doctor wants her to do more activities and not laying around. After my heart attack I was supposed to take off at least 6 weeks and take it easy. I returned after 2 weeks because I have to support the family.

I’m not dismissive of her kidney disease. Im the one that does all of her set up and and breakdown.

I lug up 2 36 pound boxes each day. I set up the machine for her. I’m the one that monitors her treatment and wakes up each time the machine alarms out and fixes the issue.

Then I dump 8 gallons jug of fluid every day. She walks up and then hooks up disconnects and walks away. I wasn’t dismissive last week when she had a bunch of bad treatments because the machine errored out.

Then she wanted to take the night off while she waited for a new machine. Except she can’t take off time so she blew up at me for trying to take care of her. But because she has kidney disease free pass!

It’s because I’m a man and she is a woman. If the rolls were reversed, I’m sure you would be like dump him girl…

There has never been cheating from either of us. That I am 100% sure of. Everyone on our family plan has apple devices linked to find my iPhone. I can track my kid’s devices too.

She has kidney disease and does daily home dialysis. Sex is part of it. I can’t remember the last time we had PIV sex. It’s been at least 3 years. She’s been on dialysis for 2. Everything is so lopsided.

I’m not suggesting we have sex or every day or even weekly but yearly would be nice. She has no sex drive. I get that. I initiated orally the other day, she had a couple and then rolled over on her side and was done.

I was like hey what about me. She said she had an appointment that was in a couple of hours. I was like okay. So she may not be in the mood but has no problem enjoying it when it happens.

I fully blame myself for the mess that I’m in now. She didn’t have great upbringing and I wanted her to have the best of everything that I could provide. I’m fawning all over her, hugs, kisses, touching, handholding and cuddling. She doesn’t initiate any of that with me.

She will kiss me when she leaves but that is about it. There used to be a time long before she got kidney disease that she would kiss or hug me out of no where. every time I see her after she wakes up I walk over and kiss her and give her hugs and say good morning beautiful. I’ll have to research love languages.

What do YOU make of OP's story? Any advice for him in dealing with his wife?

Sources: Reddit
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