Man horrified when he meets fiance's cousin's 5 yo son; 'Could I be the father of this child?' UPDATED 3X

When this man is worried that he may have fathered a child that he didn't know about, he asks the internet:

"I (30m) think my fiancée’s (27f) cousin’s (34f) child is mine (Final Update)?"

My fiancée, Sara, and I have been together for 3 years. She’s actually my first serious gf since middle school. I will honestly admit I’ve been a complete piece of shit with women for most of my teens and 20s and pretty much used women. I’m saying all this to explain how promiscuous I was in the past.

Sara knows about my past and she’s grown to accept it. We met at work and she hated me because she saw right through me and after pursuing her for close to a year she finally agreed to a date and the rest is history.

We’ve been living together for 2 years now and I’ve grown incredibly close to her parents too and she also loves my family. Past 3 years have been the best of my life and I’m so excited to spend the rest of my life with her.

This weekend her cousin and her family are in town. She’s really close with her cousin Lauren (miracle I haven’t met her yet, I was always busy for one reason or another the few times she’s visited in the last 3 years).

So I finally met Lauren and her husband for dinner at Sara’s parents place. She immediately stares at me a bit wide eyed and I can’t help but think she looks familiar.

We’re all being introduced to each other and Lauren for the most part seems to be acting normally but she’s still staring at me whenever she can. Sara’s parents then come in with Lauren’s little boy who’s 5yrs old.

I’m looking at this kid and Lauren and the only thing I can think of is that this boy looks like a carbon copy of me at his age with some Lauren mixed in. I’m suddenly starting to remember that I took Lauren home from a bar close to 6 years ago.

And I also remember convincing her to not use protection after I showed her my blood work. I’m just a sweaty nervous mess for the rest of dinner and I think Lauren realizes from how she looked at me and the boy that maybe I realized too.

And an even more fd up part, I think Lauren was visiting Sara the weekend I took her home. They probably had a girls night out that weekend with their friends and I took Lauren home. So Sara was probably at the same bar that night.

Sara asked me if I was ok and just told her I wasn’t feeling well. I didn’t go to work yesterday and today and just took sick days. Idk what to do. Lauren obviously isn’t saying anything.

I have no clue if she was married at the time and I don’t want to ask Sara because I don’t want her getting suspicious about me asking. I don’t even know how I feel about possibly being a father (I’m 95% sure this kid is mine, looked NOTHING like the husband).

Do I just shut up? I never cheated on Sara obviously but she knows how much of a player I was and it took her a while to get past my number. I don’t know how she’d react if she knows I knocked up her cousin years before knowing her.

This is vain and superficial about Sara and I love her to death but she absolutely hates if something is considered “trashy” or “low class”. I honestly think it’s possible she’d leave me if I knocked up her cousin. I can’t lose her, she’s literally the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Let's take a look at Update 1:

RELEVANT COMMENTS FROM OOP

OOP: "My only goal is keeping Sara. Honestly in my state of mind the last few days I don’t care about anything else"

"My ideal situation is Sara doesn’t leave me, that’s all that matters and I’ll do anything to make sure she stays. I don’t know how I feel about the kid, he seemed happy with his parents. They live several states away. Sara wants kids in the future, maybe 3-4 years."

"Searched Sara’s calendar for the kids birthday and the timing works out. "

RELEVANT COMMENT: I’m guessing a lot of the commenters on this are men. I’m a 52yo woman. The #1 most important thing in a relationship for me, and for all of the women I know, is trust. Honesty, trust and having each others’ backs. This is why women sometimes can’t forgive cheating. It’s not the sex, it’s the breach of trust.

If you were my boyfriend/husband, I would want you to put me first before Lauren, meaning, literally, come to me first. Like …. “I have to tell you something that’s really stressing me out. You know how I told you I had a lot of irresponsible drunken sex a few years ago?

When I met Lauren the other night she looked really familiar. I am so ashamed to tell you this, but I am pretty sure I hooked up with her in of . I’m not sure if she recognized me but I think she might have, I felt like she was looking at me strangely. I was so stressed out about it I lied to you and said I felt sick.

Well that wasn’t really a lie, because I wanted to puke, and I’m still completely sick about this. I can’t bear to lose you but I can’t lie to you and not tell you about this. Please help me figure this out, what I should do?

Then let HER go through all the stages of figuring this out with you. Let her say “OMG… is that your kid” while you put your face in your hands and moan. If you do what all these guys are suggesting, and try to do damage control, and go talk to Lauren behind your gf’s back , you are completely fd.

It’s not the crime, it’s the coverup. If you talk to Lauren, figure out you are the bio father, and then drop the whole story on your gf, there is no way in hell she will ever believe that you just figured this out now. She will feel doubtful about what you knew, when you knew it, how you feel about Lauren, when you last slept with Lauren, etc, etc.

If you want a life with Sara, go to Sara and ask for her help. If she dumps you, she is only dumping you for something you already told her about (your past behavior), and if she got over it once, she might even get over it again. Right now you are in the most forgivable, least guilty position possible.

You have never lied to Sara about your past and you aren’t going to start now. You did not turn your back on your child, or the mother of your child. You did not know. If this kid was your baby, you weren’t informed at the time.

If Sara and Lauren are close, and Lauren did have a pregnancy and conceal it from the bio father, Sara may know all about it and may be aware the bio father wasn’t notified.

Oscar Wilde once said… “Ignorance is like a delicate flower. Touch it, and the bloom is off.” Women are insanely perceptive of microexpressions on their partner’s face. If you find out anything, and hide it from her for 24 hours while you think about it, she will already feel in her bones you are lying and don’t trust her. She is probably still wondering WTF was going on with you at the party.

If you do anything else besides go to Sara FIRST, you are most likely done for. Trust that your partner can love you enough to get through this with you. Tell her ASAP before Lauren comes forward and says something.

If by any chance Lauren is passing your bio kid off as her husband’s bio kid, she may try taking some defensive actions, who knows what. Or maybe Lauren will tell your gf it’s you, and that’s why you acted sick at the party. OMG. Don’t roll the dice. Go to her, throw yourself on her mercy, and ask for her help.

(Like others have said, if you and this kid share some DNA, the chance of him figuring this out in your lifetime is extremely high. Rip the band-aid off and deal with it NOW.)

Update 2:

After 3 days of staying at home and feeling sick to my stomach with nervousness about this I finally told Sara late last night after my last post. As embarrassing as it is I cried from beginning to end telling Sara and pretty much told her I don’t want to live without her.

She held my hands in bed and patiently listened about how I recognized Lauren, remembered our night, and how seeing that kid mentally broke me because I saw my future with Sara jeopardized as soon as I saw him.

She told me she’s upset I didn’t tell her as soon as we left her parents place and to never keep something like this from her again but she understood I was scared. She said she’s not leaving me because I never betrayed her in the last 3 years we’ve been together and we’ll figure this out too.

And she said she’ll reach out to Lauren herself and figure out what’s going on because she’s been with her husband for 10 years now and if she’s my ONS from years ago she definitely cheated.

We then had an even more uncomfortable about the type of things I’ve done in my past and wanted to know if there’s any more surprises she needs to be ready for. Said she knows I was promiscuous and a bit of a reckless idiot but we kind of swept everything under the rug when we got together because we both agreed we wanted a fresh start.

And after this fiasco that might’ve been a bad idea so she wants to know everything in detail now but we can have that talk another time. I don’t feel great about this but I’ll deal with this hurdle when it comes up.

Sara has been home with me trying to get in touch with Lauren since morning and has been getting completely stone walled. Finally Lauren texted her to “please just let it go”. Sara asked her again if they could just have a quick chat or even if text is ok but Lauren insisted to just “let it go please”. I’m guessing Lauren realized I told Sara everything.

We don’t know how to proceed from here on out. We’re deciding to just respect her wishes and not pursue this further. Lauren also just changed her response to our wedding invite to a no show. Sara is kind of upset by this but honestly I’m fine with this outcome. We always planned to leave the US in a few years anyway.

I got a lot of messages asking me to just shut up and I was honestly ready to go that route but I think the worry was actually physically making me sick. Anyway, thanks everyone for the advice, much appreciated.

RELEVANT COMMENTS: Now you are thinking about this correctly. What is best for everyone involved. You have competing moral imperatives here: the right of the father to know the truth and the wellbeing of the child (not in the sense you are responsible for the kid, but in the sense that you know your choice will affect the kid).

I do not know what is right to do here, but you are not wrong to think that the kid having a better life if you never say anything is a relevant consideration. Does it outweigh the husband's right to know? Not sure.

But ignore everyone telling you this is such an obvious decision because the father's right to know is clearly the only relevant factor (and he IS that kid's father, although he would also have the right to stop being so if he found out the truth).

The best case scenario for the kid is that no one else ever finds out. Trying to achieve that best case scenario is a reasonable option.

OP:Thank you for your post, this is how we’re trying to look at it too. Terrible situation but trying to make our decision with the kid’s best interest in mind.

Commenter: You will drop a nuclear bomb (and literally life defining moment) on this kid if you ever bring this up to the husband. Don’t listen to any of these posts telling you to do this. It’s beyond selfish and moronic.

Infact, it will cause a complete family implosion (and extended family implosion too, Sara’s parents will never look at you the same). Last thing you need is to expose all of this over a “hunch” you think this child is yours. Reddit seems really interested in you blowing up multiple families and a kids life over a “hunch”.

I’m going to break it down for you. You DONT know that you’re the father. You are just thinking you might be. In reality, you don’t know that yet.

This is 100% on Lauren. You did your part, Sara now knows. There’s no secrets between you, and she can use this information how she sees fit.

Lauren’s relationship with her child is her business. Maybe she feels she needs to find out, maybe she doesn’t. It’s not your “role” to interject. You are NOT this kids dad. You don’t even know him. Reddit is giving you horrendous advice.

Don’t take it. Can you imagine if you brought this up to her husband, he leaves because he thinks you’re telling the truth, kid is shattered because dad isn’t in his life anymore (not to mention Sara’s family hates you for this), only for it to come out later that you are NOT the father?

OP, you did the right thing telling Sara. Lauren wants to bury the hatchet, and if Sara wants to do this as well, then let it be. Do not confront anyone over this, you don’t have all the facts (even though you think you do). All you know right now is that Lauren cheated on her husband with you roughly 6 years ago. What you don’t know is if that child is yours. Don’t assume that you do.

OP: This is how Sara and I are seeing the situation too. And honestly maybe it’s possible Lauren’s husband knows she strayed and they moved past it and she doesn’t want to revisit. She didn’t really want to talk to us so we don’t know. I’m trying to move past this situation without hurting anyone.

Comment 2: I agree the situation is messed up and I would like to know if my partner ever cheated. But the fact of the matter is this will likely destroy an otherwise happy family.

Both Lauren and her husband are incredibly successful in their fields and live in an affluent area and can provide the best life for the kid. While Sara and I are still building our careers and about to begin our own lives.

And people have been asking whether I care about the kid. Yes of course I do, I saw myself when I saw him. But I don’t even know him. I’m ok with not being in his life and if I’m the future he somehow finds out and decides to find me we can deal with it then.

But right now I’m fine staying at a distance and seeing him through Facebook pics and starting my life with Sara. Hope that didn’t come off as heartless but I’m truly thinking about what’s best for him.

I didn’t pressure her. I requested it and pulled up my phone and showed her my latest blood work. Medical labs email you your results these days. She said she was clean too and that’s it. Hugely irresponsible and stupid on my part but I was a different person back then.

Update 3:

I’ve had literally dozens of people messaging me asking for an update. Sara and Lauren have been texting since my last update. Mostly Lauren apologizing because she won’t be coming to our wedding.

She also sent us some wedding and Christmas gifts which was very sweet of her. Sara didn’t really push her for answers but left an open invitation to talk whenever Lauren felt comfortable.

Few days before Christmas Lauren FaceTimed Sara and told her everything. Her and her husband were going through a rough patch in their wedding at the time. He had an emotional affair with a coworker and they were separated for a few weeks before reconciling.

Lauren met me early on during the separation when we had our one night stand. She told Sara I’m the only one she ever hooked up with during this separation. Soon after she realized she was pregnant she reconciled with her husband. They had been trying with no luck so just decided to raise the child as their own.

Lauren said she’s told her husband and it’s caused some turmoil in their marriage and they’re working through it now. He knew about this nameless faceless man but seeing me in the flesh and knowing after the fact that I’m the one guy has been a bit traumatic for him and he’s feeling very insecure.

So unfortunately he never wants us to ever interact or be in the same room again. I was listening right out of view from the camera but I couldn’t help but ask Lauren if this means I can never see the boy. She just said she was sorry.

She told Sara she’ll talk to her later and that was it. They’ve still been texting and it seems Lauren and her husband will be ok with some time. Now we have to always coordinate that we’re not coming to family events at the same time. Sara and Lauren have already made plans to meet themselves though.

As far as Sara and I, we’re doing ok. We had one pretty bad fight a few days after the last post went up. She wanted to know in excruciating detail everything about the type of guy I was before.

Honestly felt like a cia interrogation at one point. She cried and told me she wished she fell in love with someone else which hurt a lot. She apologized the next morning and we’ve been doing a lot better now. I think we’re stronger now in fact, now that she knows everything. I’m also never ever doing that ancestry testing services all these companies do.

I’ve also gotten a much better paying job that’s fully remote. Sara will talk with her boss to see how she can convert to full remote as well which we think is possible. We might be leaving sooner than we thought.

That’s it. Thanks everyone that provided advice especially after the first post. TL;DR! Had a ons with future fiancée’s cousin resulting in her pregnancy. She wasn’t cheating. Fiancée and I are ok, her cousin and husband are working through it, I don’t think I can ever see the child. We are going to move away.