Man implements a 'you cook you clean rule' with wife; she says, 'This is completely unfair.' AITA?

"AITA for implementing a “you cook you clean rule” and leaving her to clean up her dishes after she made pasta?"

My wife and I switch off cooking, both of us cook twice a week and the days neither of us cook it’s a leftover night or takeout. We used to have the person that didn’t cook do the dishes after the meals.

I clean as a cook, so when it is my night there are very few dishes for her to clean up. When she cooks, I swear she uses almost every single dish or pot for her meals. It is a disaster in the kitchen and takes me a long time to clean the whole thing up.

I have had conversations before about this and have asked her to clean as she goes to reduce then mess. She refuses and claims that is just what happens because she likes to make elaborate meals. She does make more elaborate meals than me and spends a while in the kitchen. I prefer to make more simples meals like stir fry.

I brought up last thursday that I won’t clean up after her cooking anymore. She left a huge mess and I was over it. That I will clean up my dinners and she can clean up hers.

On Saturday ( my cooking night) I made beef tips over noddles and cleaned it all up.Sunday was her cooking night and she made homemade pasta and red pepper sauce. We ate and she didn’t clean up her mess, and later the night she asked me to clean it up I told her no and reminded her what I told her and pointed out I cleaned my stuff up.

This bring me to this morning, I didn’t do the dishes and when she woke up, there wasn’t much room for her to make her coffee and breakfast. She pissed I didn’t clean it up. We got in a huge argument before I left for work .

She thinks I am a huge asshole so I am asking for an outside opinion...

Let's see what readers thought:

featyou7 writes:

YTA. One cooks other cleans is a universal law. It divides labour on any given night so one person doesn't get double the work in one night.

Stop cleaning as you cook if you want a more fair division of labour, and maybe cook something more elaborate. Sounds like you want to cook an easy meal, then have an easy clean up, while you benefit from eating her fancy meals that she will be spending more effort on cooking and also cleaning up.

jo9eytaqnni writes:

NTA - but your approach could use some work. It comes off very one-sided to try to unilaterally implement a new “rule”.

It might have been better to suggest something more along the lines of “hey, let’s try this for a week or 2 and see how it goes” then circle back afterwards to try to address the main issue about cleaning while you cook.

If she just spent a week or 2 doing an hour of dishes 2-3 nights/week instead of the ~10 minutes she’s used to, she might be more sympathetic to what you’re trying to say.

stoiccoi writes:

ESH - That's a gentle, ESH. You guys just need to figure out what works. But in the meantime, neither of you has a very collaborative approach.

My partner and I found a good groove. We take turns cooking as you do, but I'll help him while he cooks and vice versa. Then we work together for cleanup. Our general rule is whoever didn't cook will do most of the cleaning up, but the other will help. So it's like this:

Day 1: I cook, he helps. He cleans up, I help. Day 2: He cooks, I help. I clean up, he helps. This way, it's always cooperative and supportive and not "Well that's YOUR job."

OP responds in the comments:

I agree it would be fine if she just cleaned as she goes, I am not asking her to make elaborate meals. That is all her and I am so done having to clean it up

I had talked to her so many times about this issue. Literally there is still flour and raw pasta bits on the counter and a pill of dishes, even the blender is out. I am so over it. She was also fine not cleaning up my dinner on Saturday. I am so over it

fleeaty writes:

NTA. It sounds like your wife's hobby is cooking, and that's nice! But she doesn't realize it's her hobby; she is still thinking of it as a household chore.

If it was a chore, she'd be trying to get a nutritious (and reasonably tasty) meal on the table with minimal fuss. This is totally doable - I do it week in and week out. But what you don't do when it's a chore is overcomplicate it. Making elaborate meals is a hobby, not a chore.

If it was a chore, and she was doing her best to minimize the fuss involved but just failed to get it all cleaned up in time then yeah you'd be a bit of an AH. But she has a stated preference for elaborate meals. You aren't obliged to clean up any amount of mess simply because she's following her muse.

If tomorrow you discover a passion for carpentry and decide to build a bookshelf for the house, your wife wouldn't be obliged to clean up after you. Even if there's some benefit to the family, the purpose is enjoyment. It'd almost certainly be easier and cheaper to get a bookshelf from IKEA after all.

You owe your wife an equal distribution of household chores, but this is not that.

OP responds:

I have made chicken parm before and was able to clean as I cook. It’s not hard.

maybetnowru writes:

ESH. Some meals take more dishes. Especially from scratch stuff. I clean as I go, but if if I’m also monitoring the grill and the dogs playing outside, plus random kid complaints/requests….the dishes pile up.

And I’m not going to make one-pot meals all the time because it’s boring, and one person in the family doesn’t like most of them.

If I had to clean ALL the dishes after I cook, I would just stop making a variety of foods. Sandwiches and easy oven meals. There ya go. How boring.

There are some easy meals that just take lots of pans. My kids LOVE mashed potato bowls (like at KFC), so that’s - sheet pan for the popcorn chicken, a pan for the mashed potatoes, another for the veggies and a yet another for the gravy. NONE of which that can be cleaned as you go.

swetilivn writes:

YTA - you’ve known she likes to cook. That’s a great quality in a partner and one which yields delicious rewards for you. Her making a multi-hour Sunday dinner is not the same as you throwing together a 15 minute weeknight stir fry.

If you want the benefit of her superior level of cooking, you need to contribute to that end. If you’d rather eat basic, one-pot meals your whole life, I’d say you married the wrong person. Don’t make her resent you over doing something nice that you benefit from and can’t do yourself