Man imposes strict rules after wife cheated, 'she can't go to bars or clubs without me.' AITA?
"AITA for imposing rules after my wife cheated on me?"
My (30M) wife (31F) of 5 years cheated on me last year with her friend when she was out with her friend group. She used to this often, but always came back at around 12:00 am. But this time she came home very late (at around 5:00 am), and drunk, and I didn't press the issue that night.
She was distant, and didn't talk much to me afterwards the next few days, I only found out a couple days later when she confessed to cheating after I kept asking her why she was so cold to me. I was shocked, I never liked the fact that she went out to bars and clubs, but she never gave me a reason to distrust her, until that night.
I immediately grabbed a bag, packed some stuff, and left, she was begging me to talk about it, but I wasn't in the mood for it. I was angry, upset, sad, I know that I wasn't in the right headspace for this kind of talk, so I stayed with a friend.
Fast forward a few days later, and I agreed to talk to her. She said she was so sorry and would never happen again, and that she would do anything to make me stay. I spent the time I was away thinking of staying or leaving, and I hate the fact that I still love her. We don't have kids together, but part of me still wanted to stay.
I gave her certain conditions if she wanted me to stay. The first one is to never see the man she cheated on me with ever again. The second was that I could see her phone or computer any time I wanted without having to ask. The last one was that she could no longer go out to bars or clubs without me. She agreed to all of this.
Over the last year, she's been estranged from her friend group because she can't go out with them without seeing the man she cheated on me with, and she hasn't really made any new friends. I haven't checked her phone or computer either. I know she likes to go out, so I try my best to go with her when I have time, the bar and club scene was never my thing, but I try to enjoy it with her.
Things haven't been the same as before, and I've thought about losing the "she can't go out without me" rule, but I keep thinking of what she did. I've explained this to my friend, and she said I should just divorce her if I can't trust her anymore. I've thought about it, I wasn't as happy as I used to be, she says she's happy with me around, but she isn't as energetic as she used to be. So, AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Sebscreen said:
NTA. You were sincere at the time and made the offer in good faith. Nonetheless, as you've now discovered, it is near impossible to regain the trust...and understandably so. And both parties are less happy than before. It is probably time to end the marriage.
Apprehensive_War9612 said:
NTA. Considering what she did and how it happened your boundaries and conditions were pretty justified. That being said if she’s miserable under the conditions and you’re miserable under the conditions, then end the relationship. You’re never gonna get that trust back.
Final_Figure_7150 said:
NTA, but your marriage is over. If you don't already, you'll start resenting each other soon , you clearly don't want to be going out, and she's lost her friend group. Most importantly, the trust between you is gone, she made sure of that when she cheated.
BaddieonFleek said:
NTA. Setting boundaries after a betrayal is reasonable, and it's up to both partners to agree on terms that make them feel secure. If she's willing to meet those conditions and you're both committed to working through this, it's a personal choice how to move forward. Just make sure you're not using these rules to control her, but to rebuild trust and respect in the relationship.
Plsdontbesosensitive said:
Why are you with a person who you need to create restrictive rules they need to follow? Just put this relationship out of it's misery. NTA. Leave dude.
LongRangeApplication said:
If the trust is lost, the relationship is lost. Divorce her. No amount of love would have me forgive such a betrayal. And I hate to say it like this, but you're lucky in this instance. You have no kids with her, no chance for a broken family. NTA.