Man infuriates sister when he 'secretly' proposes at her wedding; 'It's not MY fault she's a bridezilla.' AITA? UPDATED 4X

When this man insists he had no intention of ruining his sister's big day, he asks the internet:

"My sister is mad at me because I proposed at her wedding. AITA?"

I know that I already sound like TA from the title, but please hear me out. About a month ago, my sister had an outdoor wedding at a gorgeous hotel overlooking the coast.

The ceremony and reception themselves were in the lawn/garden that the hotel rented out specifically for such events, but my fiancée and I also had booked a room in the hotel for the night, which itself was set a short distance apart from there.

My now fiancée (25F) and I (25M) are both very uncomfortable with large crowds, so some time into the wedding, I let my sister know that we were retreating to the hotel for a short breather. We had discovered a small terrace in the hotel the previous day that had an amazing view of the sunset, and we wanted to go there to have 10 mins to ourselves.

We are both huge romantics (seriously, we will make you retch) and LOVE the ocean and the sunset. For our first date, I borrowed the keys of my friend's apartment building's rooftop and set up an picnic and a playlist with a sunset view. Literally every anniversary of ours has involved a private place to watch the sun set over the ocean.

The view from the terrace was absolutely spectacular and the moment was so perfect that I couldn't help myself. It was completely spontaneous. I didn't even have a ring. I just got on one knee and asked her then and there to marry me AND SHE SAID YES!!

No one saw us. The terrace was empty and the garden in which the reception was held wasn't in our field of view. We were both buzzing with excitement but we both agreed to hold off telling anyone else because this was my sister's special day.

Last night, we had dinner with my family, and my fiancée and I broke the news to my family that we were engaged. Everyone was obviously delighted and asked us to narrate the story of how I or she proposed.

My sister was FURIOUS to find out I had proposed during her wedding. She pulled me aside after dinner and completely blew up at me. She accused me of trying to steal the attention from her wedding and I told her that we had intentionally kept the news to ourselves till now to avoid doing exactly that.

She said it didn't matter because now everyone would remember her wedding as the day I proposed anyway.

I honestly disagree because no one really witnessed my proposal, so it wouldn't really be part of their wedding memories. I feel like my sister's being a bridezilla.

We didn't tell anyone we got engaged till now and I don't really feel that anyone will associate her wedding with our engagement at this point because by now it's been long enough that they should feel like two separate events. My sister doesn't see it my way and has refused to speak to me since last night.

Privately proposed to my fiancée during my sister's wedding and kept the news to ourselves. Revealed our engagement a month later to immediate family. Sister now furious with me.

Because people seem to be misunderstanding, I am repeating here. I did NOT reveal our engagement to anyone until last night which was a MONTH after the wedding, at a private dinner with my parents, sister, BIL and fiancée. AITA?

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

crammm writes:

YTA. I think that people have become extremely selfish when it comes to weddings, but it was her day. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to be mad that you not only snuck off, but you’ve basically hijacked her wedding story and made it all about you. Whether you intended to or not, you made her kind of an afterthought, and I think you should apologize.

jentlefolk writes:

NTA. I can't believe the way some people are responding to this lol. It's like they heard, once upon a time, that it is the ultimate taboo to propose at someone else's wedding and are now running with that information with zero regard for context.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. No one saw you propose, no one's attention was robbed from your sister because you proposed, and no one even found out about it until a month later. Your sister is being ridiculous.

NO ONE is going to think back on her wedding day and have their memories of the wedding itself overwritten by the knowledge that somewhere, unbeknownst to anyone, you got engaged at some point during that day. That's just not how memory works.

vue221 writes:

NTA. You handled it fine. If this had been some elaborate planned public proposal in the middle of the ceremony or reception, I would have crucified you for it. Nothing could be further than the truth . You had a sincere unplanned moment, then kept it under your hat from everyone for a month .

I guess it’s possible your sister was upset because your attention wasn’t fully focused on her ... but .... in your story, she was furious and said she was worried that people would think of it as your engagement day instead of her wedding day. She had no problem with you two taking a break from the reception or she’d have been mad before.

She wasn’t. Her wedding is over and “people” aren’t going to be walking around in this world thinking about it and talking about it all the time , trying to decide if they want to think of that specific day in time as her wedding or not. You said you’re not sharing the story.

Sure go ahead and apologize to your sister but know in your heart she’s kind of being a Back in Time Bridezilla about it. Her wedding day is over, she needs to move on now.

You might point out that she just blotted your happiness in sharing it with your family a month later but you’re not going to take it out on her.

gypseelypse writes:

YTA to your sister AND your fiance. Like you didn't even get a ring for her and put no thought into it. It's like you didn't want to be left out and just did it because your sister got married.

Whenever she has to tell the story of the proposal, she will have to say it was during her SIL's wedding. The day is supposed to be about your sister and BIL's love, and you didn't give your fiance her own date and memories, just tacked it on to your sisters.

It's better that it was in private and you didn't tell anyone at least, but it's disrespectful to your sister. You couldn't focus on your sister for one day and be happy for her, you had to sneak away and do this big thing.

cram6 writes:

YTA - If you have to lie and hide it for a month from people involved maybe it's not a good idea?

Just don't propose at other people's weddings man. Just don't. Geez, there are 364 other days in the year and you couldn't be bothered to figure out another day?

I'm honestly wondering if this is a troll post intended to see if you could find a technicality to get around the "don't propose at weddings" advice.

It doesn't matter if you didn't reveal it to anyone. You still took advantage of a day that wasn't meant to be about you.

whitelord writes:

NTA. Nobody will remember your sis wedding as the day of your proposal because that NEVER happened. It happened outside of her wedding, only between the 2 of you. Nobody at the wedding knew about it, so nobody attention has ever been caught away. Proof is: if you didn't tell she couldn't ever have known.

Your sister is making a drama just on a misinterpreted and out of context principle that you "don't propose at another one's wedding".

Every rule has a context: that rule has its reason to be on the fact that you can't put yourself on the show on someone else's special occasion, should it be a proposal on a wedding or whatever else. It's not like a superstition thing "don't do it on that day".

It's "don't tell the big news on that day". Absurdly if you proposed another day but revealed everybody during the ceremony, that would have had the same effect of ruining the wedding day, but should be permitted following your sister logic to the extreme.

You never stole her the stage, so no reason to complain. She's being irrational.

sensie writes:

YTA. Very obviously a selfish asshole to be specific. Even in your edits you clearly only care about yourself and your girlfriend.

Its actually a good thing that you plan to keep this wedding and your lives private, no one should have to deal with two people who are so stuck up their own asses they don’t realize how douchey they look.

Getting all giddy about your engagement to a bunch of strangers on the internet who are calling you an asshole just proves you didn’t care about the judgement at all, you just wanted to share that you got engaged.

lucybluth writes:

YTA. Oh my god. This is like the fifth post I have seen with dudes trying to justify proposing during or immediately after a wedding. STOP PROPOSING DURING WEDDINGS AND WEDDING WEEKENDS.

It’s not romantic. It’s tacky and lazy. You didn’t pick the proposal venue, the couple did so you’re just riding their coattails for convenience and it’s lame. No matter how much you justify it, your proposal story IS intertwined with the wedding.

So great job, now the bride feels upstaged and you’re stuck having to defend your proposal to everyone. Why anyone would invite that kind of drama around their proposal is beyond me.

parthouse writes:

Man, I am sooo late to this, but I am sooo upset about this thread. NTA. Come at me. First, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR PROPOSAL AND UPCOMING MARRIAGE! Second, f anybody who judges you for how you proposed, ring/no ring, wedding/no wedding.

2A. Example: Me and the spouse had talked informally about marriage, but we had an idea of when/where. It came down to 3 months before the date we discussed, and the convo was kinda like this:

Me: “Do we do this? A wedding needs maybe 3 months to plan. Not sure about doing it in less time.” Spouse: “Eh, sure, why not.” Me: “Well, I don’t want anything big. I wish they had Vegas-style wedding chapels here. In, out, on our way.” S: “Why don’t we do that?”

M: “Ooh. One has a DRIVE-THRU!” S: “Yeah, neither of our mothers would agree to that.” M: “Even with a really big limo?” S: “No.” M: ‘Don’t worry about a ring. I inherited my grandmother’s solitaire.” S: Okay. Book the wedding chapel.” M: “Yes, book the whole thing then let everyone know where to show up.”

That was our proposal. The ring came later and cost nothing. The wedding was $255 and 15 minutes in Vegas. It was one of the least stressful and fun experiences of my life.

We also happened to do all this the week before my best friend’s wedding. We kept the news to ourselves until the morning after her wedding, and we only told her and her husband.

They were congratulatory, and because they are mature and decent people, told her parents and family, and there was a double celebration that day. I just let her take the lead, and just wanted to let her know. I don’t think I even wore my engagement ring to the wedding.

Third, you do you. Courthouse? One Month? F YEAH. Many happy years to you both! No ring? Did either of you care? No? Then AWESOME!

3A. Example: One of my longtime friends was married in BLACK (including a black veil) in her living room. My god, the photos were gorgeous.

Fourth (and finally), CONGRATULATIONS!! I wish you all the happiness in the world, and more love than you have ever known.

And now, OP's update:

I did not realize that my sister might be upset because she lost my attention on her wedding day, even if she didn't lose anyone else's. That day was supposed to be about her and I understand how she might feel abandoned in a way. First thing tomorrow, I will be calling her to apologize.

My fiancée and I also discussed it, and we agreed that we don't really want to share our proposal story with anyone else anyway. We are both very private people, and it feels like a very private moment to both of us.

The only other people we will be telling will be her parents and sister. We are happy keeping the knowledge of what happened between our families, and hopefully this makes my sister feel happier about this too.

As for those people judging me for not having a ring or a plan, well.... The only person's approval I really care about is my fiancée's, and she told me she was delighted that I finally did something spontaneous because I'm usually too meticulous and cautious. So..... I guess, mind your own business?

Update 2:

Oh my God, things are happening fast. I was talking to my fiancée about how neither of us realized that this was such a big deal to so many people, no matter how private we kept it. It's completely crazy to us, I guess mostly because neither of us has really cared for any sort of attention from other people whatsoever.

The conversation turned and the more we talked, the more we realized that neither of us want a big wedding with all the planning and the headache and the guests. Like f, we'd be running away from our own wedding.

So we decided to save all the money we would have spent on our wedding for our honeymoon and just go to the courthouse and get married NEXT MONTH!!!!!

I'm so exhilarated right now I can't even be sure this is real. The only reason we decided to wait till next month is because we want to wait till we can take time off work and have our honeymoon right after we get married.

We can have a small dinner right before we leave with both our immediate families but HOLY F I'M GETTING MARRIED NEXT MONTH.

Update 3:

Since it's apparently unclear to most people, the "mind your own business" is for those telling me I suck for not getting a ring. It's not what I asked and it's so subjective that pretty much the only person who's opinion matters is hers. I would have thought this was obvious......

On a brighter note, THANK YOU FOR ALL THE CONGRATULATIONS!!! I don't think I've ever been this exhilarated in my life. We're both going to try to sleep now since we both have work tomorrow, and once we've spoken to my sister, were going to PLAN OUR HONEYMOON OMGG

Update 4:

This is the last one, I promise. We just finished speaking to my sister and BIL. My sister dodged the first two calls, but persistence paid off. I apologized to her and told her I understood why she felt like she hadn't been a priority on her wedding day, and it was never my intention to make her feel that way.

She apologized immediately after for blowing up, and said that I did nothing wrong and she shouldn't have taken out her hurt feelings on me. I think she's feeling a bit guilty now, and I felt a fair but guilty too, but overall we've patched up pretty well, and both my sister and BIL are very supportive of us getting married in a courthouse next month

(we're going to need their help when we pitch this to my mom, lmao). We both got to scram to work now, and this day is going to fg crawl until we're back and getting started on our honeymoon plans!!!

We both just want to say thanks sooooo much to every congratulatory and well wishing comment. I wish we could respond to each and every one of them, but we'll settle for leaving it up here.

Thanks for the well wishes, we think you're all amazing and we're really really touched!! We solemnly swear we shall always be up to no good in the future (yes we both love HP.